CONSTRAINTS

It was surprisingly happy, a christmas that I expected to soaked me into a lonelier situation, is apparently happier than I've expected. It was simple but meaningful...making me realized how important it is to be with loves ones especially this holiday season... but there are constraints beyond my control.. like not being able to get in touch with other relatives like my auntie's and cousins at my father's side, financial limitations led me to just stay at auntie's house for the whole day... not that I'm running away from my yearly obligation to my god children, it's just that aside from what I can afford to give, I can feel I don't have the energy to go out and greet everybody....I wonder if I just focused so much on the void that I feel, that I can't have the luxury of time and energy to reach out. Or am I really beginning to enjoy my solitude.... 2005 is really a life of too much constraints, pains, and all things that still makes me feel tired....I want to be myself..... I want to be free..... I just hope love ones can understand my situation in case I really can't get in touched. I'm so tired.....My financial status is still a problem, I guess I need to hold on to what I have now coz next year can be a harder year....and I'm all alone....not visiting them would not mean I care less, I just need to consider myself first above all....This is the time when I know I can't sacrifice. It's about time to consider what I know can make me happy.....inspite of constraints....

Solitude

Again I chose my solitude....this is the kind of mood that I seldom feel when even if I want to I can't seem to bring back the jovial mood that I usually have... anyway I decided not to join the group,even at some point in my heart I know I should join them, but hearing what they're talking about, maybe it's better that I should just stay here in my lonely corner....

I'm trying to recall my dream last night or this early dawn, I can't remember it but I know I woke up because I was at the point of crying again.... I can't tell of the reasons, it can be any of those major setbacks in my life.... My parents who left me for a better world, and a special someone who just turned his back on me. Major events in my life that I tried not to affect me....but those sad dreams can be a reflection of what really pains me in my subconcious mind.... but happiness that I expressed prior to my present mood now, were never pretensions... I really just don't feel good.... it can be a holiday fright, because whether I admit it or not, I will be celebrating the loneliest christmas of my life.... too many losses.....parents and even the lost of insignificant other.

All of those I tried to ignore because I believe there are so many things that I should do first... This is my busiest christmas season. I am always in hurry, sleeping to sampaloc then return to Marikina, always rushing to buy something for christmas parties and family reunion, I was even assigned to collect raffle prizes from one office to another. During this season also, I allowed myself to get overwhelmed by material things...by the gifts I recieved which completed majority of my wishlists....

Maybe everything was set for me in 2005.... on my first christmas without mommy I have my closest relatives with me who demand my presence during all the holiday celebrations....

At this moment if you would want to know what I really want to do... I want to go home to Marikina, coz I'm missing my doggies already....especially my Peso....

Blocking

Anything with a hole, should be blocked. But depending on its purpose in your life, blocking may not be really that necessary. This hole in my life is about the void that I sometimes feel. I know my life is happier now..... realizing I can go on after he turned his back on me. That surprisingly, I was not as hurt and bitter as before.... I feel pain yes but it did not dominantly rule my life now... suddenly other things matter the most.... I am happy with the development in my job, I'm happy with my friends and relatives, and I now remember laughing hard again coz I can't remember the last great laugh that I had.....but sometimes in my happiness, there's this one corner that pinched my fancy, enough for me to remember him, how I used to consider him first above all things.... I always ask myself if I will be happier if we're still together, or will I still ache to his overwhelming rollercoaster affection....then I will miss him....when I miss him recollection follows, how we were before, how his love brought clouds all around me. But to stop the missing him symdrome, I honestly tell myself that we no longer feel the same anymore.... that I'm the only one missing him, and it's next to impossible for him to miss me....that he never really loved me, that he is just good in pretending. Those things help me not to indulge in loneliness of not having someone. Maybe when a relationship is meant to end, even in the presence of love in your heart, you will let go, no pulling of sleeve, no need to ask why, no need to talk about it.... I never really believe in formal break up.... but I know it's over...no matter how fool you were just to please him, if it's over it's over. It's becoming my habit to block anything that will lead me to miss him.... it's about time to protect myself from pain... I know I have suffered a lot, now I deserve to be happy. I don't really wish for another hero to uplift my once breaking ego.... I don't believe I will need one in order to forget one.... I know I will be happier, even without men in my life.... and that independence will be my asset to attract the right person, if God permits.

Changing the Meaning of Christmas

Now I understand, with the present economic situation in the Philippines, some part of our lives will experience some great effects, including the way we see Christmas... I don't intend to take some things seriously, but this is just a comment, my own opinion base on what I observed since childhood days, and my own interpretation of the judgements of others, just like looking at things in a different light... Christmas is always the happiest times of the year, and the Christmas decorations add glitters to the festive moods... here in the Philippines, the Parol or Lantern is the main decorations followed by Christmas lights..... this parol is normally hang on the window, outside the house, some to the highest part of the house etc... actually not only the "parol", all christmas decors are normally place on obvious locations, even christmas socks for santa, the christmas lights on the wall, the misletoe, and everything....the star which is the normal shape of a parol, does not only mean a "star", it is a symbol....on the day of Jesus' Birth, the three kings were guided by a Star... that is why the, the Parol is hang or place in the highest part of the house, coz it's a symbol of guidance, a symbol of Christmas.....I have never seen a parol placed on the floor, if that guiding star was on the floor on that first christmas eve, can it guide the Three kings to the Manger? so why am I writing this, my reason can be superficial, but this is just my opinion, and I'm free not to agree on judgement coz by initial excitement....Yes it is exciting enough to see a human parol, they're unique and creative but if they are on the floor, they are less impressive.. How can they symbolized christmas if they are on the floor, A parol is meant to be seen, coz of its obvious locations. So how can a christmas decor win when no one can't seem to see it, unless curiouse people will go to them intendedly.... unless originality is the key to the contest plus the effort of the participant to lie on the floor, maybe they really deserve to win... but if I will base it on reality, I guess they forgot to consider the real purpose of the parol, and how they are being displayed traditionally, I don't think they are really above others. Unless I'll base it to our economy which is always down, maybe that's the way the christmas decors will be in the future.... on the floor where nobody can see, only those who can afford christmas can see it....

So in case we use mistletoe here in the Philippines, this is what we're going to say "hey you're above the mistletoe, you must kiss" or tell our children, "Santa will give your gifts bring out your socks and put it on the floor", and lastly "hey, nice lantern, it fits your floor, where did you buy it?"

Again, opinion lang po, walang personalan

The Dead End

Being in love can never indicate one's happiness... there's this one corner of my life that brings out various pains in me but I don't seem to realize it. Now the tyranny of that corner is beginning to fill the air again, and I'm having a hard time to breath... it's so heavy.....it's sad really....that after devoting years of loving a person, after neglecting my values, I will only realize that the one I love can't even love me back...of course I don't really ask for 100% return,what I only wanted is a simple affection that I used to feel.... I know deep inside I am not happy anymore...but it does not mean I have run out of love....and that's the saddest part, no longer happy in relationship but still so much in love with the person...so I can't let go... and though right now I admit I am just waiting for him to damp me, I'm beginning to prepare myself for it.... I can only move on when he tells me in my face that "it's the end", I can only move on when he tells me....It can never start from me.....coz I'm not so sure if I can stand firm for it.... but then maybe we don't really need to talk about it.... It's obvious... I can feel it... only the one who never loves can hurt somebody consciously.. He knows I will get hurt but he never ceased to do things that can hurt me... and it's becoming so unfair coz I am not allowed to talk it over to him...he'll simply damp me.... now I decided, I will just try to stay away from him..if he didn't call I won't ask anymore....I will never get in touch...I'll bear the longing as I bear all the pain he gave me...I will just disappear in his life...instantly...no more talks....no more notes...it's simply the dead end....a lesson learned, "I will appreciate all people who express their care and love for me, that I will always tell them and remind them that they are very dear and important to me no matter how seldom we get in touch"... coz now I know how it felt to care for someone, and that someone simply doesn't care if you care...does not care how you feel...does not care what you did for him....I know friends will ask me why it took me so much time to realize all these...my reason is simple, when a person made you fell in love, you'll never realized his bad side, but when the time comes you discovered it, you already learned to reserve allowances, like he's not perfect and everybody has its own imperfection...but then love is a two way traffic...love is give and take......love is making you feel love, love is accepting everything about you, including your pets...love is trying to reach your place no matter how the neighbors look at you...love is thinking not only of yourself but also of others...love is waiting and believing....love is trying to make your love ones happy, love is not having tantrums when you don't get want you want....love is not for sale, you don't spend just to have it, the same way that you give it and not sell it.....all of these I don't see or feel anymore.......if you don't know me enough....you might think that I am probably in love with the best person in the world, coz it looks like I have exchanged everything for him..... the truth is, it's the other way around....I may not be the best woman in the world but I know he was the one luckier when I chose him above others...I guess my love for him made him think he's worthy of everything..... I know soon he'll regret this.....but dead end?

Latest about My Peso

Peso never fails to make me laugh and surprises me by his witty gestures. Just last night he imitated me. I was rushing to watch my favorite "Engkantadia", and to make myself more comfortable, I went to my bedroom to get a pillow, Peso followed me, as if he is rushing too... so I went out of my bedroom bringing my pillow, and when I looked at Peso he was walking right behind me bringing his favorite stuff toy, ratty. For those who do not know, Ratty is Peso's favorite toy...It was mommy's gift to him 2 christmases ago. Peso also assumed that my bedroom is also his bedroom, so Ratty is always in my bed because Peso never sleeps without Ratty by his side. So finally Peso is in his playful mood again....he was restless for the past two weeks amd I'm glad it's over...

Red ink pen

RED INK PEN, normally used for the purpose of correcting one's mistake,for checking one's advantage...It is Red because, it can stand out, and the one involves can easily realized his mistakes and how he did it...It's a good thing that I have a blog that can absorb all my complains no matter how irrational it can be....if I told the person directly everything that I said in my MAZE Episode, we are probably not in speaking terms these days....Not all that my mind told me is true, it was my heart dictating my brain..you know when the heart thought it's in its way of getting broken, it pours out unreasonable thoughts...foolishly hurting itself by thinking how the others neglect them just like that...but it was proven untrue...and I ended up laughing at myself...so this blog is a Red Ink Pen, Intendedly written to correct some words that I've written in "MAZE"....Life is not really that bad.....that I am not as neglected as I thought I was..that I was missed and eventually important, on what level I really don't need to know....but the point is, some thing must be corrected so hope this one serves...

MAZE

job, call of duty, what a good excuse to leave me slowly.....and do you think I have rest while you're gone? some have a notion that you volunteered to be assigned there coz it;s more practical....you spend less fare, free lunch, merienda and dinner....and I was told even pressure is lesser there....plenty of things to do but with much less pressure....all those conveniences in exchange of my presence in your life... and you can't even call me....a friend told me how uncomfortable it is to use two telephones for personal reasons, and besides it's too crowded there, and so many bosses too....so at least you have another reasons not to get in touch.... what a good excuse to avoid me....of course you can text me in your own free will.... but you never text me....life is hard, 1 peso is too expensive to inform someone of your present activities, is it really too expensive you can't even tell me that you miss me too...or at least give me a hint that you are also in the dilemma of not having me around??or just plain tell me the truth? or really those conveniences are everything for you.... again you are making me feel like the least important person in your life.... what is this? is this another hint of letting go?what are we afraid of? why am I so afraid of not having you around when most of the time I doubt your love for me.... will I again convince myself of this foolishness that "at least I love you, you don't have much time so I will always make time for you." (sigh) Funny you don't seem to realize things that I do for you.... so what am I doing here loving you.....damn it.. you don't even need my love... why do you always return to me after a break up...why can't you decide with all your strength? again I am thinking of forgetting you... to be away from you permanently... why am I loving you when you don;t love me enough.... why can't you get in touch when you know you have me....don't you want me anymore? or you want to get the best of both worlds, pleasing the other, while still having me and yet making me wait until the situation gets cold...so while you're there happy and comfortable, I am here sad and alone with no idea of your intentions....and you are there in full confidence that I will always accept you, no matter how often you hurt me....you did it before....why not now....again, where am I? MAZE? with directions from left to right to front to back where am I going? It's fun inside this Maze, but the fascination in it is superficial,it gives you a sudden high, but will pull you down in a wink of an eye, it wears off easily, just like anything that melts under the sun... Have I lost my sanity that I can't find my way out....or is it me really, putting myself into this trap?

adjusting.....

Just learned a lesson.... well I knew this but I didn't apply it to my life....anyway, I have learned the importance of flexibility in this ever changing life....that comfort zone should not be treated seriously.....coz once you became so attached to it, your initial reaction to change is another form of exaggerations...and you can never believe how unreasonable you are....I am so unreasonable coz I can't stop my annoyance to changes that just affected my life.....I cannot believe it....Gosh for three months....or more.....with limited communications....Ok Ok there's nothing I can do about it..it's the job that matters here.... now I'm beginning to teach myself how to live alone again....I mean it's just a temporary thing in our lives, but I guess practice is necessary. I really feel so uncomfortable with the situation that if I don't control myself, I will make another drastic move that can mean a disaster to me... there are so many things that I should do.....i'll bear the pain....the void.....I will be used to it I know.... but for the mean time....I wish I can express what I feel.....(sigh).....wish I can communicate through my productive mind......and may the one whom I wish to communicate with me feels the same intensity......time to apply the lesson...I have never learned......refuse to learn? whatever...."Miss you Peso peso wish you're here beside Ate..."

Slow dance

A day before my birthday, I was given a hint that I can never expect a happier birthday... Sad as usual. I really feel so sad...hopeless....making me feel like my life is a slow dance....dancing to the tune of equally slow and eerie music, no one knows when will it stop....I can feel life as a long dark tunnel of sadness...and I am so alone in the dark....love ones left....some dreams gone...there's this one who provided light when everything seems so dull and dark...time has changed, situations followed, I just woke up the following day realizing that the only one whom I thought provided me light,can't even flicker for me....he is there and I am left with mixed emotions...in total darkness.... it pains me...slowly....like a slow dance...I'm not even sure what can calm me down....it hurts missing everybody when there's nothing you can do but to just think of them....and memories prolong pain, agony...life is really a slow dance for me...too slow it bores me....poor Peso, poor Pissy....they didn't know what Ate's pain, coz' when she's with them all she does is shower them with love and care...what will happen to them if Ate will give in to this slow dance....I don;t want them to feel what I'm feeling...don't want them to join me in my slowdance....

My Peso Story

My Adorable Dog

I called him Peso....the love of my life...he's a God's gift to me...a stuff toy brought to life.....my guardian angel in disguise....a younger brother that I never had... I'm proud to tell the world, I have a dog like him... when he sleeps he is like a baby.....he loves to lie down on a soft cushioned bed, couch and plenty of pillows...he preferred the electric fan on....

I always love to spoil him....

and when he eats...he knows his place in the dining table...and you will know if he likes what you're cooking...even if you don't call him, you'll see him on the dining table sitting on his favorite chair...waiting to be served....well years of talking to him made me believe he understands everything that I told him...2 christmases ago, mommy gave him a gift, a small ratty stuff toy...so I named it ratty..

Ratty is his favorite toy....he normally brings it out from our bedroom when he likes my visitors....sometimes..he just love showing it to children of our guests, but never let them touch it..... but before ratty came to his life...Peso loves to play ball.... I even call him my MVP... his ninang betchay gave him a ball on his first christmas....Peso used to love balls that he thought all the balls that landed in our garden is his...he even went to one basketball court in our subdivision...thinking that the group of young men were playing with his ball....I believe as a basketball player....Peso is a good defensive player..


he really knows how to protect his ball....

When not playing...peso takes care of ate's other dog... Pissy...Peso-peso is really a very good dog who hates to take a bath....but still ate loves him very much


well...that's my peso.. (My better version of this is more colorful; supported by pictures that help narrates the story)

I was Born in the year of the Rooster

Yes I was born in the year of the rooster...this is supposed to be my year....12 years ago, 1993 It was the happiest year of my life...until now I can't remember a year that surpassed it's happiness. This year 2005, is my year.....it is also the worst year so far....twelve years ago I look forward to this year, thinking that something good will happen again...but I was wrong......this is the worst year of my life, and I hope nothing worst will happen to me in the coming years....aside from my financial problems, I lost my mother....and until now I really don't know how to cure myself. I still cry when I remember her....then I decided to lost something, maybe it's bad but it was my choice....one of my support system ended, again it's another blow to my ever dying financial stand....so i was forced to apply for a GSIS salary loan. It was more than a disaster... it was a huge loan and yet I got less than what I've expected....too many deductions some were caused by their (inefficient records ..now tell me who's to be blamed)imagine charging emergency loan balance which I have paid in full last year...they deducted some of my loans with over over interest...and yet they are too slow in refunding what they charged me...what a nice Bday gift....then the promotion..of course I did not make it.. what's new......then there's this problem with sweetheart...though were ok now... well I don't know what's next.....3 months to go to end my year of the rooster...funny....hope I'll have a better year next year.... better year, meaning I'll be leaving PMS, I'll be having higher income and most of all i'll be having a baby??I hope I can afford it all next year...

CALM DOWN

Now I know what I should do, whenever I feel I can kill somebody because of too much hatred, grudge,,fury...I'll just look at my two loveable doggies, and let me remind myself that I am more of a loving person, that just like my dogs "I don't bite unless I am threatened". I hate my neighborhood...I hate most of the tricycle drivers there...I guess because of hardship in life they became mean to some whom they think is a big threat to their source of living....OK I should understand them...you know, hard life, lack of education, no enough values acquired....but then I don't believe hardship or lack of education can be an excuse for being impolite to others...in fact even those with complete college education sometimes acts as if they've never been to school eversince..I'm one those... and I recognized that mistake in my part...why should I stoop down to their level? OK they are so proud... you're at their mercy....there's no other way to reach the subdivision but just the "tricycle"...I am not rich enough to take a cab everyday. Boy they just ruin my day.... how can they be so proud...is that a kind of depense mechanism....? I hate them all, some of them I have cursed before...so at the height of fury, it's then I realized the need for prayers...Forgive me Lord for the kind of hatred I have for those people...give me strenth....help me calm down....don't allow blood to flow in my hands...please guide those people...please enlighten them....hope one day they'll wake up knowing the importance of respect for fellowmen...."" I really love my dogs....They're the positive aura in my life..

I envy Peso when I watch him asleep

(This is just a revival..I published this December of last year...Just saw the picture and realized that it fits one of my blogs...honestly that's not where peso really sleeps. it was just one of his afternoon naps. Things have changed...mom died last may...so some of the things here were not updated anymore,I changed one word in the title)

It's a routinary scene everynight...when I prepared my bedroom for I sleep. I sprayed insect killer and Air freshener, turned off the light to open the lampshade, then turn on the electric fan...But I'm not going to sleep yet...it's peso who's ready to fall asleep, and he knows exactly when it's time to enter the bedroom. He knows his place in the bed and he assumed that the extra pillow is his....he has several positions when he is in deep sleep, the cutest are when he is lying flatly on the bed and when he leaned his head on the pillow, I enjoyed watching him not only because of his adorable cuteness, but also because of the peace that I see in him. I guess he never really had the so called troubled sleep... a kind of sleep common to emotionally disturb people. He is a picture of confidence to a brighter tomorrow, that I will always be around to feed him, bath him(no matter how he hates it), to take care of him and to love him as if he is my baby..... I can't remember the last time I slept that way....I guess it was more than a decade ago. When my father was still alive and my mother was still as dependable as ever...I guess when you accept your responsibilities and roles in life, you'll have fewer sleep. When i worry with my mom's health, I have little sleep...When I remember my other debts, I can't really sleep...But at least I'm thankful I still have my mom around, I'm thankful of my two loveable doggies, and most of all I'm thankful I was able to finish one episode of my life when I thought loneliness could kill me....at least my sleepless nights are not all worthless....coz I dedicated it to those who deserve my unconditional love...

I hate......I hate ...I hate...!!!!!

Peso is not happy there..he is mad and annoyed....what I'm feeling now is similar to that.. or even worse....yesterday was a holiday and I was not happy for that....holidays are for the rich...not for me...I'm expecting my salary on monday and the Government declared the holiday late....my situation then was close to pathetic and I hate the world for it....I have no more budget for monday....I almost beg coz I need to feed my dogs and myself as well....I have so much hatred deep within me...I hate the tricycle drivers at our neighborhood, I hate one neighbor, I hate those who never understood what it felt like to have nothing to spend for simple basic needs....I hate those who don't consider my comments...I hate to celebrate somebody else's departure... I hate to join them in party.. I hate people who excanged their principles for money.!!I hate being told that I should befriend May Manauis coz someday I'm going to need her...damn you all!!!!

"why dog's picture in my blog post?"

He is no ordinary dog...he's the dog of my life....my adorable dog...a younger brother that I never had, my guardian angel in disguise..... I called him "PESO"....a name no one can forget...

From now on Peso will be a part of my blog, as he portrays a big role in my life....so why him?he is the positive aspect of my life. He represents the loving part of me....He is like a friendly soul sent to me by God, so that I can always stand up after all the sorrows I've encountered in my life...Peso made me recover faster when mommy died....he sees me when I cried, he's the very first man ever to see me naked(hahaha), he always follow me wherever I go....and he never sleeps without me....so we are really inseparable unless I'm in the office.... Now that I'm all alone, I depend a lot to Peso....Passing all the responsibilities to him when I'm not home....I guess of all the dogs I had, PESO will be one to stay with me even after this lifetime...

Why I blog.....

I blog for one and only reason...And that is to "write"...blogging allowed me to express my writing itches....my sentiments....my unexposed world....my guardian angels that bark...my inspirations...my love....blogging enhances the creativity hidden at the depth of my innermost persona. Now is the proper time...let's one prolific mind be cultivated....

Wait a minute....

< Well I'm not done with my dogs episode yet...I mean..Peso is not my only dog....I have a 1 year old girl and I called her "Pissy", short for Piseta, which means another Philippine Currency or Peso counterpart...She is not as smart as Peso but she has her own talent....well she can stand up and balance for a longer seconds or minutes...she does not understand everything that I told her but her playful attitude and sweetness made me very very fond of her..just take a look...she looks wild but she's really sweet and polite..

Relationship in a higher level

I've been in a relationship for years now...and it's only just now that I realized how deeply I got involved in it....I am in a way happy..but I have fears....now that I completely committed myself to it, now I realized all the possibilities....now I am beginning to feel so depensive of my being...that my parents' raised me well, that whatever choices I made in my life it's my own personal decision and I'm the only one to be blamed...That I am once a good girl and this choice that I made is the only blemish in my being....now I'm one of those that I used to observe...now I'm one of those who decided to live with a wrong decision in exchange of pleasures that only heart can recognize....but i don't regret what I did...I am just beginning to accept the new me.....the me that my love ones never knew exists....I guess it's really saying goodbye to the old me..including my values.....but I swear not to be that different to my old me....I will always try to maintain and set my limitations....and try to be extra careful....I mean I pray for God's guidance... I know how I disappointed him...I know he did so many things so that I can always maintain the old me...it was me really....

Yearly sentiments

Now I realized,,Spiderman is right... no matter what you do for them, at the end of everything, it's all your mistakes that they remember....I guess I'm a victim of that fate...and I guess I am left for no other choice but to temporarily stay to where I am, no matter how bad they made me feel, and how they bring out the worst in me....I believe I can always do better, but I don't think I can survive in a surrounding that nobody trusts me....nobody trusts me that I can do it, or they just can't accept the fact maybe that an admin assistant has a potential to be like them, or shall I say....I am maybe in a very wrong world, and it's only me insisting that things will soon work out fine, that maybe I never made the worst decisions of my life....Sometimes even I don't know what I can do to PMS anymore,that I've no choice but to search for the root of everything..where shall I start? did I make the first wrong decision after highschool? choosing the wrong course, It should have been journalism not broadcasting?fine arts? is it my backing out from a computer science course at St. Paul's Manila? or it's not the course..it's the kind of job that I chose to start, where eventually i did not survive....it's the wrong notion maybe, that everything has it simple beginning, that it's a natural thing that I started as clerk or as a secretary. I should insist on my potentials....or maybe it's not the job...maybe it's the culture that I have seen from the start...that the technical staff is always above superior than an admins staff....technical staff has more potentials, it's what they will always feel that comes first...never mind about what an admin staff feels...ok....maybe I'll just accept I have an attitude....I'm so outspoken and I say what I want no matter who you are.....but I'm just defending myself coz no once gonna do it but me....but helllo am I the worst person in PMS? am I the most inefficient?(though I don't accept that I am).

missing mommy

I was riding a tricycle from our subdivision to FX station when I suddenly remember mommy, and I can't help but cry...I miss mommy so much, especially at this time when my finances is in danger again. at least before even if mommy is sicked, still I am not alone...I really feel so alone.....I often dream of mommy..I know last night I dreamed of her.....but i can't remember what it's all about....

Again?

Four years ago of January, Erap was faced with various cases which led to his exile....now its GMA's turn to taste the bitter part of being a President. When some of her trusted cabinet secretaries turned their backs on her, requesting her to resign...again we are waiting.....again we will welcome a change in government..maybe again we will welcome another PMS Head.....ay naku puro simula....

Not yet adjusted

I'm still in the office right now...overtime....it's SONA month for those not too familiar, it is "state of the nation address" of the president..yes we're working to death inspite of all the controversies.. trabaho lang....well me i'm still not adjusted to my new situation now coz I still go home early even if it's only peso and pissy waiting for me...I still don't go out on a gimmick. I know I should now make a move to point myself to a new direction...I should strive for improvement..or shall I say higher income. Well I know I can't do it right away...I still have so many things to fix....gosh my leave credit is pathetic.....almost nothing left to my salary...the good thing is, I don't worry much now if I have only a hundred in my pocket...the advantage of missing mommy, I don't worry anymore for her medicines, and more delicious food. I can survive with anything with my dogs...hehehe, but you know I believe that God provides.....i can feel it everyday....hehe

Recovering

I'm beginning to live a normal life without mommy, doing the same things that I did before mommy died....the difference now is I take care only of 2 dogs...and I'm the only human being in my home...deep inside me, I'm still very sad, and I feel it still so unfair not to have my parents,when I still don't have my own family,..yeah I do have a relationship and a someone but, it can't cover up for the loss...I mean....I'm thinking on putting an end to it coz' aside from the fact that it does not have a future, it just don't make me feel for the joy that I used to feel... Maybe I should really start a new life alone....and focus on thing that I really need (money) and those that I really love (my dogs)which stays with me in my home and waits for me when I'm out for work... I know my relatives and friends care for me but they are not with me when I'm home....my dogs are few of those things that I can call my own....they are my companions, and they are with me when I sleep and they wake me up in the morning...I guess it's a wise decision to go back to my own house...

Tuesday morning irritations

As I walk my way going to office, all that I have in mind is the annoyance I felt for some people... I was thinking of Marissa, it's almost payday and I don't know how much should I pay her....will I pay her less than what we agreed when mommy was alive? I know it's not fair to pay her the same amount considering her performance..she seldom showed up and she never really stayed long in the house...and considering the amount the I gave her each time she went to my house to feed the dogs,most of my money went to her transportation when it was not my problem before when she went to my house to take care of mommy....I really need to talk to her.....then a few walks away from PMS I saw May Manaius... not a good sight to start a day....I really hate her to the bones....I rather not see her....then I realize I'm also carrying a heavy heart for PMS. Hina ko talaga sa kanila...Imagine some units were not aware that mommy died...buti pa si Sec. Tiglao and Asec. Edna kahit di ako kilala personally, nakaalala...

About mommy pa rin

Si mommy she's always on my mind, every improvement that I experience in my life I attributed to her death. The sad thing is why can't I have these improvements when she is alive..I guess that is one of my unfulfilled dreams. It used to be my obsession, living comfortably with my parents..yung bang life is so comfortable and stable that I really don't need to leave the house for work, but to just stay home and take care of my parents,have good times with them, spoil them... now they're like shattered dreams for both of them have gave in to our Lord's calling... and I'm alone....if luckier,mommy's pension can be transfer to me, coz I'm single and an only child....looks like they're the ones taking good care of me even if they're gone...

Changes after mommy's departure

I'm in my first week of living my life without a mother. I mean she's completely gone after I sent her to her last home...with my father. Life is conveniently good...I am not rushing to go home....when I reach home which is not my home...(I'm temporarily staying at tita norma's house,,very few memories of mommy, no peso, no pissy but with Internet which I can use comfortably hehe). I don't rush home to cook and I have no one to care about whether she likes to eat or not...at my tita's house somebody cooks for me, do the laundry for me, buy something from the store for me... all I need to do is watch tv and mind myself. all for myself...very very far from what I was many years ago....for the first time money is not an issue in my life....and I guess gone are those days when,when I am always in need of money, taking all the loans I can get to survive my everyday expenses and to survive life...Thank God, my cousins are supportive...some are generous....in other words, I see positive life ahead.... but in exchange of all those things is my mother...at the end of the day, it's my mommy that I miss and everything that I regularly do for her....I never really regret that I have turned down several gimicks for her...she's not really the reason, I really just don't feel like going out...I may find freedom when she died but God knows I never prayed for that kind of freedom. Up to the last moment I was fighting for my mommy's life...no matter how many invisible visitors were there waiting for her...but mom is so tired...she deserves to rest...before I sent her to the hospital I overheard saying "pano si Maricel" it was not clear in fact I just thought she called me. Maybe she was talking to my father...maybe he was trying to convince mommy that it was time to go...maybe it took one week for mommy to decide.. and I guess they believe I'm strong enough to be alone... para talagang pelikula buhay ko...only child na nga ako naulila pa...but still...GOD thy will be done....

Two Weeks Sorrow

I'm out of the office for two weeks now....and I am still not going to office next week. I brought mami to hospital on the 15th of May 8 pm, stayed there for 1 week, and died on monday of the following week. If somebody would ask what am I feeling these days...it's unexplainable.....the sorrow is so deep that I really cannot cry anymore....I had difficult time on my mommy's final week. the effect is more on the emotional side. pain, fear and guilt combined...pain of seeing mommy suffer,pain on knowing mommy really wants eternal rest, and pain on the reality that I can never have her forever...fear for i believe she's all I have in this world...fear for lifetime solitude, fear of the changes waiting for me ahead. Guilt because I don't think I have served her enough...guilt for not telling her how I value her in my life and guilt for what I told her when I had simply gone mad....

Now I'm about to face the new chapter of my life....the changes are so overwhelming, that I really don't know what to do first. Initial effect is my temporary separation from Peso and Pissy...Most especially peso....God knows how I desperately told him to look after mom and house when I'm out for work, and he had done his job well. He's a younger brother that I never have... and I terribly miss him. I have lost mom...and I'm in the process of knowing how it feels like to be alone...without a mother... I have never imagined life without her...but do I have a choice...she suffered a lot...and I regret for not being completely attentive to her health...never thought of the possible comlications...

On the lighter side, mom's death brought back something that I used to own...it's the love I have for my relatives, something I thought I have lost more than years ago...the beauty of what my fellowmen have, and the patience for everything. Before mommy died I was thinking that If she would leave me at that moment, I will never have a life in a stright direction, hatred all over...etc...maybe the "thoughts" made her stay more eventhough she's in the state of dying... anytime. Now I'll be working on fixing my life... alone without parents... too old to be an "Orphan"... With God's help...with relatives/love ones' help...I know I'll never fail...

To my friends who spent time reading my blogs

Dear friends, thanks so much for the time....I mean in our very busy world I guess this is the only way for you people to know the latest about me....whatever your reactions maybe, i would like to let you know that the intention of the blog is to entertain you. In case some matters here aroused your curiousity, you're always free to comment or you can talk to me privately...again thank so much for travelling along the wonderful paths of my life...you're a part of me somehow for you are reading my life....and to read my life is to know me, and to know me is to accept me, with all your heart. Again thank you...I am a nobody that you put in a pedestal...that's how I describe my feeling knowing you're providing your precious time on this.

Writing that leaves a mark

Too much blogging made me neglect my creative inclinations...my word combinations are those I ordinarily have in mind....I would like to believe that blogging regularly will enhance my gift, well in a way it does but, blogging is so cool that I no longer care for the impact of the words that I combined..blogging does not have a focus. To impress the reader is not the outmost concern...it unconsciously becomes an open diary maintaining stories of everyday life. Maybe I should add more intensity to my write ups here in blog....and it's what I always want...a write up with Legacy.....the one with a mark....

Love Life

what is life without love?...foolish question...but what I'm going to write here has nothing to do with the question..for I never question life when I don't have a lovelife, the important thing is I know how to apply love not just to one person but to those who touch my life.... My relationship with my someone is surprisingly smooth sailing for the past 2 months... we are together for almost five years excluding those times when I believed he was not as committed as he was today...but moving on...inspite of the complications in pursuing this relations, I can say that I am more at ease nowadays... Maybe I have matured, and him too.... I have realized our limitations, and just enjoy life.... I'm happy going home with him after office, I'm happy going to gym with him too. I guess aside from intimacy, a friendship bloomed deeper ....I guess that's what I like in a long term relationship...you're closeness is more meaningful, and you're no longer conscious on your appearance in front of each other.... It was a learning experience falling in love with someone like him...it's a destiny's game when I met him and accept him in my life....there was even a time when I thought, I have ended a chapter of my life on him....but just like harry potter and lord of the rings, it gave birth to its sequel, not knowing where to stop... it may not be as magical as the two popular movies, but the magic that I feel when I'm with him lasts...the kind the give me strength somehow...who would understand me? well so far I will just enjoy the magic...

Good time with my younger friends

I had a great time last night with Marisse and Mark...yes at last the gimicks that we planned 2 months ago were fulfilled last night and it's worth the wait...well I was always the reason why it didn't push through, I have plenty of reasons...but their eagerness to be with my company overwhlemed me so finally I gave in... So for the first time I go out with people younger than me....younger but more mature than I when it comes to some part of life where maturity is required... Honestly I feel so happy to have friends like them....first time ko to go out with friends na ako ang pinakamatanda and imagine the age difference, parang it's like going out with my younger counsins Ralph and Hiyas....

Paranoia during my one month and a half delayed period

I know it's impossible, but at those times when my period failed to come on time, I was worried...I'm not ready...I'm not financially stable...I'm thinking, if it's meant to happen it will happen. Some friends encouraged me, they said it was a blessing from the Lord....hidden deep inside me is a feeling of longing to have it too...but I have fear....I was about to accept things as they are, trying to plan the next steps that I should do, just in case..... when it finally arrived, At last.it was extra heavy maybe trying to make up for the lost time....and when the paranoia is over, all I have to say is "sayang"...

Very touching

everything about my mom really touches me... and when I encountered person whose concern to her is more than I expected, it really melts my heart... Sang called, she said, she would like to have early lunch with us, but need to leave at exactly 1pm for a meeting. She works somewhere in clark and she's in Manila for a meeting, I was sending her to where she can get a cab when she handed me something....and when I looked at it was a 1000 bill, she said "it's for mommy,buy her fruits or anything that she needs." I just can't thank her enough... it's not the money (it's 2000 pala)it's how she remembers my mom. I mean Sang is always like that, I can always say that she's really one of the angels in my life, she always arrived in a perfect timing, at times when I'm in need of a company of a friend. Yesterday I just solved some of my financial problems. I never ask her for it but she's giving it with all her heart. trully I'm bless with real good friends. Friends who remained their feet on the ground inspite of what they achieved in life....
(This was written on April 2005, just last year, it feels like a couple of years ago. I'm reviving this for Sang's Birthday, really don't know if she was able to read this before)

Uncertainties

My delayed menstruation is taking my sanity.. why? becoz it brings me back to my younger years when it was normal for me not to have my period everymonth..I remember how I got disappointed when I thought it was coming but it did not.... I have a noticeably delayed period starting February of this year, i expected it on the 5th of the month but it arrived Feb 13 or 14, then in March it didn't arrive at all. It's now April 13 and I'm still waiting anxiously for it. I wonder if all the strenous activities that I did and will do can make it flow...a crazy funny thing I entertained in my mind is now frightening me....It's impossible I know...but I can't relax until I have it....

About Pope John Paul II

Pope's death reminded me of him in my childhood days...I can't remember the exact year, when he first came to Philippines as Pope, but as far as I remember, I was not even in my teenage years then...Then I remember my father who is really a catholic at heart. He was the one who encouraged me to rejoice the Pope's visit, my father made me develop a fondness for Pope and how significant is his role in the catholic religion...then, 1995 the dear Pope visited again, This time with the Theme of "World Youth Day". For reasons that I can't recall, I didn't exert much to see him. I never really had a change of heart, I guess I was just so carefree and so rebellious that in my immature mind I said, "the Pope, he is so Holy and yet only influential and rich people can freely greet him and ask for his blessings"...I mean just like our Lord, Pope has tremendous love for everybody but I was so jealous then of the rich people. See, who was with him at the stage? former Pres. Cory Aquino and other personalities. And then I feel that in his holiness, there's this dying cure for discrimination....but of course It was not the Pope's fault...then I also realized, if everybody can come to pope at that moment, there will be chaos...it is just so hard that in order to practise descipline, it's the common people who got eliminated or controlled....but that never changed my respect for pope... I may not be actively patronizing him but he has a spot in my heart for I remember my father in him...In his death I felt sad for not thinking too much of him when he was alive...but then I am happy for it awakens a feeling in me, and that is to go back to praying...slowly....and ask for guidance and forgiveness...though I am still remote to change.....I tried to witness his burial via television...at least for the last time, I spent time for him, somehting that I should have done before....

while waiting for the time

I decided to blog while waiting for the time....it's close to 730pm, still in the office waiting.....maybe 10 minutes from now I'll leave, making this blog a history just like the rest....Wish I can be more intimate with blogs, wish someday my blog will be noticed just like the rest that I just browsed...can't they find "Life at a glance" as a striking title..?I hope not coz I want to talk about life in general...and my life too....

Some experiences are not meant to be shared

Hehehe If a particular experience or event in your life can't be shared, it could only mean one thing....it's a secret....a kind of secret that you wish you can share with your friends....but it requires proper timing...anyways it was'nt a worst secret naman,in fact in a way it provides me happiness in this sometimes mean world...yes I am happy though for some its more of a destruction than happiness...but I don't mind...it's not my problem...I have enough problems to consider and I decided to focus on them...Mommy's health, financial mismanagement, career...My secret is not a problem...just additional knowledge...puzzled?

My Blogday

2 weeks before the end of march, I realized I didn't blog that much...my blogday friday became inconsistent..I became so busy and I took it seriously....well last night, mom and I just watched TV, at channel 22 Cinemaone. Old films by Vilma Santos and Sharon Cuneta but we enjoyed watching it as much as we watched it before. what I enjoyed most is the bonding among the four of us..including dogs...I really feel at home...I forced myself to sleep at around 2:00am.

Manic Monday

Unlike the title my Monday's not so manic..I started right...I really feel fulfilled when I left the house with confidence that I was able to feed mommy and the babies right, when I know mom drunk all her medicines and finished her high protein drink...when I reached LRT station he was already there....I am always pleasant to him inspite of all his shortcomings..and I blame myself for being too soft when in comes to him...and my Monday became manic.... and it's all because of the war deep inside of me....but I chose to work seriously...and try to find an answer at the back of my mind....when will I say goodbye....I just feel so sad being with him.....but i can't say goodbye....

So far so good

Life's ok so far....I guess life's really like that... that I should expect good to worst and worst to good....I've been very busy with my job....oo nga pala..I'm working for the President, I mean we're working for the President, and considering her workloads, how can we complain....the whole nation on her shoulder, well at least we have our shares of whatever moves she made for the good of the country. Do I sound like I'm her loyalist? of course not...I'm still the same person who dislike politics. and hey she's not the first president of my life.. I mean as far as career is concerned, I started working with FVR,then ERAP and now with GMA....quite prolific past in a way...how glamorous....pero I need cash...hehe. joke lang...

For how long?

I've never known myself as someone with endless patience....until I met this person, but It took me years to realize it. I thought I was just giving him another chance....I thought I just demanded too much....I thought he loves me....I thought he didn't mean to hurt me... yeah I guess I think so much....or expect too much.....not because I've known him long enough, it would not mean he is not capable to do things that really would hurt me so much.... Now I'm hurting because all those years I've spent with him, I realized he only changes for worst.....for how long will I take a person who only listen to things he only wants to hear? For how long will I take him when he never knows what's inside of me?and when I initiate to talk about it he refused.....For how long will I make a fool of myself.? for how long will I resent his unfair treatment to me....? For how long will I hate him but too coward to show him....How come I run out of striking passages to make him realize how unfair he is... and selfish too...I don't want to reach the point of hating him to the point of almost cursing him.....for how long will I take him......I want to forget him.....but one thing is sure..someday you'll cry too because of me....

can't blog tomorrow

well it's only thursday today, and I'll do my friday blogday in advance because tomorrow is a holiday Feb 25. EDSA Revolution...but obviously i'm overtime, helping mark to fax all those memo to all gov't agencies....yeah i will have a long weekend but I'll work to death on monday....need to follow up those that I faxed, and gee I need to make an attendance, meeting is on wednesday, Mark will be on a meeting on monday,no ones going to assist me.. and my boss, she's expecting me to finish the list of updated contact numbers of all Presidential Action Officers....andami kong backlog.....this is really a prosperous new year ha...I'm not complaining....at least I'm useful....need to fix my things I'm going home na and my shuttle service is waiting..

My busy blogday friday

can't really blog today such a busy day and it's almost night, i'm preparing to go home

Post Valentine Comment (in fairness)

well It was not really a sad valentine at all, at the end of the day, I recieved a valentine card from someone. Obviously he is not so comfortable in giving cards and write some mushy thing on it....so opposite of my persona..but in a way it's ok....i guess it's the best valentine ever, no celebration but we were together on our way home....

My Valentine's Day Episode

Valentines day always come to my life like a wind. it just passed me by...but with or without a special someone, my previous valentines were all memorable and special...My 2005 valentine is equally memorable, but it is sad...I am not sad for the reason that I'm still unattached. I am sad because I know I am not really that unattached. But the person I'm attached with has somehow lost all his remaining romance in the world...can't even write me a note, can't even spend a hundred peso or even less, and it's almost 9:30am, is it asking too much if he would just call and greet me? really am wasting my time....

Pre Valentines' day Blogday Friday special

Just last Friday I am in a different mood, at least now I'm ok.... Gosh I'm having a hard time losing weight....I'm not so eager to exercise. Am I really getting old? so valentines day is nearing so what's new...unattached as usual....si Peso pa rin ang valentino ko. no regrets, I love him naman eh...

Friday Blogday, My first for the month of Feb

How about a sad start for the month of February....really hate myself for allowing him to make me feel like this....you'll have your day boy!...someday you're going to pay for this!

Last Friday Blogday of the month

Hey I almost forgot to blog today...what a busy week...I mean I should expect busier days ahead of me....many beautiful things are happening well financial I mean. I hope it's a wise decision on my part to get my pag-ibig fund 10th year maturity...almost everybody availed for it, so I guess it's ok. but I need to be careful with my money..I might as well save it...coz I paid for it for almost 10 years. I don't think I can just spend it.

My Friday Blogday Episode

I've lost count already...anyways, I guess 'm so busy both at home and at the office...imagine of all the things I can forget, I can't believe I forgot Sang's Birthday...and realized it only when yet told me about it...am I getting old or is it my struggle to survive life no matter how hard it is... I mean, am I taking life so seriously? or am taking my mother's condition so seriously that I have a different focus now....I have missed so many occasions like cousin's bday, nephew's bday, Family christmas party, and teambuildings with officemates...Vecky's father died, and I can't even go to their house for last respect, how I wish I can be with vec as she was with me when my father died. But what can I do Las Piñas is so malayo from Marikina....and I have a mother who can't even take care of herself anymore...and I told myself not to make gimicks on weekend for it's my two whole day with her...my two dogs are my consolations...they give me joys even when there are so much to do at home....really from the heart, my apologies to all my friends...hope they can feel it in their hearts...

My Friday blogday episode January 14,2005

I'm a little bit sad...and I'm a little bit disappointed. I'm disappointed to what I'm doing, accepting him in my life once again...I guess it's really hard to remain friends with someone you used to fell in love intensely. I'm trying to give him a fair treatment inspite of all the pain that he caused me, but it always ended up beyond to what my mind wants to happen. I just want us to be friends, how come we are saying goodbye intimately again? I must stop this...because I hate all the feelings that comes with it... I hate it when he never had a thought of a single day with me....I hate it when I go home alone....I hate it when I suspect he's seeing another one...and I hate it when I become sad because he went home early....and I guess I hate him for making me feel like this.... I guess I'm too weak to tell him how much I fear having him in my life, that I don't wanna be as sad as I were a few months ago...... I hate myself for this....I really feel bad.....I don't wanna think it's because I wasn't able to have a taste of cake that toti gave to boss cel..sana ganon lang talaga ako kababaw..ay naku it's friday pa naman.... and I feel like I want to cry.....

The Mirror and me

They said I'm vain, coz i can't live without a mirror on my desk...an officemate told me that maybe when I was a kid, my only toy then was a mirror and a brush...but I never told them what else I see when I look at the mirror...when I look at the mirror, I just don't see me...I see more of me in the depths of the world....it reminds me how my life has changed, and how I metamorphosed into a mature woman, who realizes the never-ending struggles in life....The mirror shows me how healthy I look that inspite of what I've been through, I still look OK... I have experienced a touch of poverty, when I almost have the last centavo and I don't have food to feed my family..but when I looked at the mirror, I see life's not that bad....coz i found ways to solve the problem, there are people willing to lend a helping hand and during long struggle of hardships,I'm glad I never run out of friends, and wisdom to help me survive ....when somebody broke my heart the mirror never lied, it said "no matter how beautiful you are, someone plain can possibly steal the one you love's heart....of course it's a different story if you're the plain girl, and you won somebody's heart..."it showed me how overnight crying can make me ugly that i should put a time frame in treating my broken heart...that there should be no looking back...and past is past.....Nowadays when I look at the mirror...this is what i can see, my reflection asking me what am I doing with my life? haven't I decided to have a good start.?...why am I beginning to cling in the past.?...haven't I decided to leave him there,in 2004? Maricel don't forget to look at the mirror....let it remind you how sad you were when you decided to follow your heart....let it remind you the cycle...and a problem that can never be solved...let the rule of the mirror overcome you.."when you look at it, you only look at yourself"...pay attention to yourself...love yourself even more....just look ahead....turn your back....Forget...Let go....

The Year of the Rooster

I guess I'll have a very challenging year...it's the year of the rooster, and almost 36 years ago I was born during that year....it's a good start so far, though, I always have those fears inside of me...hope it will help to list them one by one. I have read somewhere that If I can't pray, My God will see what's in my heart and I know that he knows how frightened I am. I'm like a frightened kid, which only God can see. I'm so afraid of my debts, wish I can have more time to pay them one by one....I'm so afraid to be left alone, I do love those whom I know will not stay with me for as long as I can live., I know my mom will soon leave me, Peso and Pissy too,dogs have shorter life span..
Sometime I'm afraid of the future, what if I really don't get married, I will not have a family to take care of me...I'm an only child, by the time I reached 70 (in case i reached that age) nobody will care for me anymore. Will I find myself knocking at home for the aged doors?but it's a different story if I die ahead of my love ones.., in some aspects maye I'm luckier but, I can't just leave my mother, nobody can have the patience as I do?who will take care of peso? I know when I die he will die too, at least I know Pissy can survive...my cousin will take care of her, but without the pampering that I can give. Well LET'S GO BACK TO REALITY....those are just my fears and I intend to fight them starting this year...Please Lord help me...

My 10th Blogday Friday

No matter what, I'll try to be consistent in counting my blogday fridays...Now I'm on my 10th, and I can really observe the ups and downs of my life.... there are developments as far as relationships are concerned. I guess I'm ok in the office so far...I'm ok with him too though, it looks like we have different views of relationship. I think he believes we're on again, and I believe we're not. But I like the feeling of having him around, just as a friend...Anyways...I'm opt to a more challenging years...I still feel heavy in my chest whenever I think of my financial constraints, when I think of mommy whom I know should not be left alone at home., when I think of time and how fast it passes me by...I really need God's grace and forgiveness....