Two Weeks Sorrow

I'm out of the office for two weeks now....and I am still not going to office next week. I brought mami to hospital on the 15th of May 8 pm, stayed there for 1 week, and died on monday of the following week. If somebody would ask what am I feeling these days...it's unexplainable.....the sorrow is so deep that I really cannot cry anymore....I had difficult time on my mommy's final week. the effect is more on the emotional side. pain, fear and guilt combined...pain of seeing mommy suffer,pain on knowing mommy really wants eternal rest, and pain on the reality that I can never have her forever...fear for i believe she's all I have in this world...fear for lifetime solitude, fear of the changes waiting for me ahead. Guilt because I don't think I have served her enough...guilt for not telling her how I value her in my life and guilt for what I told her when I had simply gone mad....

Now I'm about to face the new chapter of my life....the changes are so overwhelming, that I really don't know what to do first. Initial effect is my temporary separation from Peso and Pissy...Most especially peso....God knows how I desperately told him to look after mom and house when I'm out for work, and he had done his job well. He's a younger brother that I never have... and I terribly miss him. I have lost mom...and I'm in the process of knowing how it feels like to be alone...without a mother... I have never imagined life without her...but do I have a choice...she suffered a lot...and I regret for not being completely attentive to her health...never thought of the possible comlications...

On the lighter side, mom's death brought back something that I used to own...it's the love I have for my relatives, something I thought I have lost more than years ago...the beauty of what my fellowmen have, and the patience for everything. Before mommy died I was thinking that If she would leave me at that moment, I will never have a life in a stright direction, hatred all over...etc...maybe the "thoughts" made her stay more eventhough she's in the state of dying... anytime. Now I'll be working on fixing my life... alone without parents... too old to be an "Orphan"... With God's help...with relatives/love ones' help...I know I'll never fail...