CONSTRAINTS

It was surprisingly happy, a christmas that I expected to soaked me into a lonelier situation, is apparently happier than I've expected. It was simple but meaningful...making me realized how important it is to be with loves ones especially this holiday season... but there are constraints beyond my control.. like not being able to get in touch with other relatives like my auntie's and cousins at my father's side, financial limitations led me to just stay at auntie's house for the whole day... not that I'm running away from my yearly obligation to my god children, it's just that aside from what I can afford to give, I can feel I don't have the energy to go out and greet everybody....I wonder if I just focused so much on the void that I feel, that I can't have the luxury of time and energy to reach out. Or am I really beginning to enjoy my solitude.... 2005 is really a life of too much constraints, pains, and all things that still makes me feel tired....I want to be myself..... I want to be free..... I just hope love ones can understand my situation in case I really can't get in touched. I'm so tired.....My financial status is still a problem, I guess I need to hold on to what I have now coz next year can be a harder year....and I'm all alone....not visiting them would not mean I care less, I just need to consider myself first above all....This is the time when I know I can't sacrifice. It's about time to consider what I know can make me happy.....inspite of constraints....

Solitude

Again I chose my solitude....this is the kind of mood that I seldom feel when even if I want to I can't seem to bring back the jovial mood that I usually have... anyway I decided not to join the group,even at some point in my heart I know I should join them, but hearing what they're talking about, maybe it's better that I should just stay here in my lonely corner....

I'm trying to recall my dream last night or this early dawn, I can't remember it but I know I woke up because I was at the point of crying again.... I can't tell of the reasons, it can be any of those major setbacks in my life.... My parents who left me for a better world, and a special someone who just turned his back on me. Major events in my life that I tried not to affect me....but those sad dreams can be a reflection of what really pains me in my subconcious mind.... but happiness that I expressed prior to my present mood now, were never pretensions... I really just don't feel good.... it can be a holiday fright, because whether I admit it or not, I will be celebrating the loneliest christmas of my life.... too many losses.....parents and even the lost of insignificant other.

All of those I tried to ignore because I believe there are so many things that I should do first... This is my busiest christmas season. I am always in hurry, sleeping to sampaloc then return to Marikina, always rushing to buy something for christmas parties and family reunion, I was even assigned to collect raffle prizes from one office to another. During this season also, I allowed myself to get overwhelmed by material things...by the gifts I recieved which completed majority of my wishlists....

Maybe everything was set for me in 2005.... on my first christmas without mommy I have my closest relatives with me who demand my presence during all the holiday celebrations....

At this moment if you would want to know what I really want to do... I want to go home to Marikina, coz I'm missing my doggies already....especially my Peso....

Blocking

Anything with a hole, should be blocked. But depending on its purpose in your life, blocking may not be really that necessary. This hole in my life is about the void that I sometimes feel. I know my life is happier now..... realizing I can go on after he turned his back on me. That surprisingly, I was not as hurt and bitter as before.... I feel pain yes but it did not dominantly rule my life now... suddenly other things matter the most.... I am happy with the development in my job, I'm happy with my friends and relatives, and I now remember laughing hard again coz I can't remember the last great laugh that I had.....but sometimes in my happiness, there's this one corner that pinched my fancy, enough for me to remember him, how I used to consider him first above all things.... I always ask myself if I will be happier if we're still together, or will I still ache to his overwhelming rollercoaster affection....then I will miss him....when I miss him recollection follows, how we were before, how his love brought clouds all around me. But to stop the missing him symdrome, I honestly tell myself that we no longer feel the same anymore.... that I'm the only one missing him, and it's next to impossible for him to miss me....that he never really loved me, that he is just good in pretending. Those things help me not to indulge in loneliness of not having someone. Maybe when a relationship is meant to end, even in the presence of love in your heart, you will let go, no pulling of sleeve, no need to ask why, no need to talk about it.... I never really believe in formal break up.... but I know it's over...no matter how fool you were just to please him, if it's over it's over. It's becoming my habit to block anything that will lead me to miss him.... it's about time to protect myself from pain... I know I have suffered a lot, now I deserve to be happy. I don't really wish for another hero to uplift my once breaking ego.... I don't believe I will need one in order to forget one.... I know I will be happier, even without men in my life.... and that independence will be my asset to attract the right person, if God permits.

Changing the Meaning of Christmas

Now I understand, with the present economic situation in the Philippines, some part of our lives will experience some great effects, including the way we see Christmas... I don't intend to take some things seriously, but this is just a comment, my own opinion base on what I observed since childhood days, and my own interpretation of the judgements of others, just like looking at things in a different light... Christmas is always the happiest times of the year, and the Christmas decorations add glitters to the festive moods... here in the Philippines, the Parol or Lantern is the main decorations followed by Christmas lights..... this parol is normally hang on the window, outside the house, some to the highest part of the house etc... actually not only the "parol", all christmas decors are normally place on obvious locations, even christmas socks for santa, the christmas lights on the wall, the misletoe, and everything....the star which is the normal shape of a parol, does not only mean a "star", it is a symbol....on the day of Jesus' Birth, the three kings were guided by a Star... that is why the, the Parol is hang or place in the highest part of the house, coz it's a symbol of guidance, a symbol of Christmas.....I have never seen a parol placed on the floor, if that guiding star was on the floor on that first christmas eve, can it guide the Three kings to the Manger? so why am I writing this, my reason can be superficial, but this is just my opinion, and I'm free not to agree on judgement coz by initial excitement....Yes it is exciting enough to see a human parol, they're unique and creative but if they are on the floor, they are less impressive.. How can they symbolized christmas if they are on the floor, A parol is meant to be seen, coz of its obvious locations. So how can a christmas decor win when no one can't seem to see it, unless curiouse people will go to them intendedly.... unless originality is the key to the contest plus the effort of the participant to lie on the floor, maybe they really deserve to win... but if I will base it on reality, I guess they forgot to consider the real purpose of the parol, and how they are being displayed traditionally, I don't think they are really above others. Unless I'll base it to our economy which is always down, maybe that's the way the christmas decors will be in the future.... on the floor where nobody can see, only those who can afford christmas can see it....

So in case we use mistletoe here in the Philippines, this is what we're going to say "hey you're above the mistletoe, you must kiss" or tell our children, "Santa will give your gifts bring out your socks and put it on the floor", and lastly "hey, nice lantern, it fits your floor, where did you buy it?"

Again, opinion lang po, walang personalan

The Dead End

Being in love can never indicate one's happiness... there's this one corner of my life that brings out various pains in me but I don't seem to realize it. Now the tyranny of that corner is beginning to fill the air again, and I'm having a hard time to breath... it's so heavy.....it's sad really....that after devoting years of loving a person, after neglecting my values, I will only realize that the one I love can't even love me back...of course I don't really ask for 100% return,what I only wanted is a simple affection that I used to feel.... I know deep inside I am not happy anymore...but it does not mean I have run out of love....and that's the saddest part, no longer happy in relationship but still so much in love with the person...so I can't let go... and though right now I admit I am just waiting for him to damp me, I'm beginning to prepare myself for it.... I can only move on when he tells me in my face that "it's the end", I can only move on when he tells me....It can never start from me.....coz I'm not so sure if I can stand firm for it.... but then maybe we don't really need to talk about it.... It's obvious... I can feel it... only the one who never loves can hurt somebody consciously.. He knows I will get hurt but he never ceased to do things that can hurt me... and it's becoming so unfair coz I am not allowed to talk it over to him...he'll simply damp me.... now I decided, I will just try to stay away from him..if he didn't call I won't ask anymore....I will never get in touch...I'll bear the longing as I bear all the pain he gave me...I will just disappear in his life...instantly...no more talks....no more notes...it's simply the dead end....a lesson learned, "I will appreciate all people who express their care and love for me, that I will always tell them and remind them that they are very dear and important to me no matter how seldom we get in touch"... coz now I know how it felt to care for someone, and that someone simply doesn't care if you care...does not care how you feel...does not care what you did for him....I know friends will ask me why it took me so much time to realize all these...my reason is simple, when a person made you fell in love, you'll never realized his bad side, but when the time comes you discovered it, you already learned to reserve allowances, like he's not perfect and everybody has its own imperfection...but then love is a two way traffic...love is give and take......love is making you feel love, love is accepting everything about you, including your pets...love is trying to reach your place no matter how the neighbors look at you...love is thinking not only of yourself but also of others...love is waiting and believing....love is trying to make your love ones happy, love is not having tantrums when you don't get want you want....love is not for sale, you don't spend just to have it, the same way that you give it and not sell it.....all of these I don't see or feel anymore.......if you don't know me enough....you might think that I am probably in love with the best person in the world, coz it looks like I have exchanged everything for him..... the truth is, it's the other way around....I may not be the best woman in the world but I know he was the one luckier when I chose him above others...I guess my love for him made him think he's worthy of everything..... I know soon he'll regret this.....but dead end?