The Dead End

Being in love can never indicate one's happiness... there's this one corner of my life that brings out various pains in me but I don't seem to realize it. Now the tyranny of that corner is beginning to fill the air again, and I'm having a hard time to breath... it's so heavy.....it's sad really....that after devoting years of loving a person, after neglecting my values, I will only realize that the one I love can't even love me back...of course I don't really ask for 100% return,what I only wanted is a simple affection that I used to feel.... I know deep inside I am not happy anymore...but it does not mean I have run out of love....and that's the saddest part, no longer happy in relationship but still so much in love with the person...so I can't let go... and though right now I admit I am just waiting for him to damp me, I'm beginning to prepare myself for it.... I can only move on when he tells me in my face that "it's the end", I can only move on when he tells me....It can never start from me.....coz I'm not so sure if I can stand firm for it.... but then maybe we don't really need to talk about it.... It's obvious... I can feel it... only the one who never loves can hurt somebody consciously.. He knows I will get hurt but he never ceased to do things that can hurt me... and it's becoming so unfair coz I am not allowed to talk it over to him...he'll simply damp me.... now I decided, I will just try to stay away from him..if he didn't call I won't ask anymore....I will never get in touch...I'll bear the longing as I bear all the pain he gave me...I will just disappear in his life...instantly...no more talks....no more notes...it's simply the dead end....a lesson learned, "I will appreciate all people who express their care and love for me, that I will always tell them and remind them that they are very dear and important to me no matter how seldom we get in touch"... coz now I know how it felt to care for someone, and that someone simply doesn't care if you care...does not care how you feel...does not care what you did for him....I know friends will ask me why it took me so much time to realize all these...my reason is simple, when a person made you fell in love, you'll never realized his bad side, but when the time comes you discovered it, you already learned to reserve allowances, like he's not perfect and everybody has its own imperfection...but then love is a two way traffic...love is give and take......love is making you feel love, love is accepting everything about you, including your pets...love is trying to reach your place no matter how the neighbors look at you...love is thinking not only of yourself but also of others...love is waiting and believing....love is trying to make your love ones happy, love is not having tantrums when you don't get want you want....love is not for sale, you don't spend just to have it, the same way that you give it and not sell it.....all of these I don't see or feel anymore.......if you don't know me enough....you might think that I am probably in love with the best person in the world, coz it looks like I have exchanged everything for him..... the truth is, it's the other way around....I may not be the best woman in the world but I know he was the one luckier when I chose him above others...I guess my love for him made him think he's worthy of everything..... I know soon he'll regret this.....but dead end?