On my professional growth

I conditioned my mind to release the sentiment on that thing called promotion...but everytime I see things that remind me of it... I can't help but get hurt...In my life, this is the kind of fight where I really don't know how to depend myself....I really don't know if my officemates at DMU understand what I feel. I guess what they can only see is, the outspoken me, and not my potentials...are they too great that I can't somehow reach their standards? but then I can't blame them completely....I guess they brought out the worst in me, maybe I should admit that I felt so belittled coz they never really have the confidence in me when it comes to "technical matter thing". So I rebel, and rebellion is just my only way to express myself...that I know myself, and they refuse to know me....and only God knows if they want to recognize that very part of me. I wish I can easily let go of this resentment, coz i can't hate my boss about it. I mean, I have so many reservations for my boss...she's not just a boss, she's also a friend... and maybe what she considered in my life is much more important than promotion.. So I pray to God to help me get over this, I pray that he help me deal with this resentment, and may he help may accept things and people, especially those areas that I know I can never change...

Advance Christmas sentiments

I was in Cubao last friday night,and the changes in it are really fascinating...The Fiesta Carnival was transfered to a former parking area, it's more visible. It's former location is now a huge grocery store called shopwise...The place is so huge and so cold which make shopping very convenient..It really suggests the spirit of christmas, and I feel sad...because something inside of me tells me that the best shopping of my life were those times with my parents. I still enjoy shopping with my mom no matter how slow she walks. The last time we shopped was December of 2000, she became sickly the following years, so when I shop I'm all alone....wish I can bring my mom to shopwise and any restaurant aside from max's....I'm already contented with the kind of family that I have now, my mom and my 2 dogs. my christmas will be happier enough with them. But unfortunately I can't bring them to shopping centers. So everything should be done at home...well I know this is just one of those christmas sentiments...may GOd be the center of my world....

4th Friday since my first Blog....

I guess It's about time for me to make Friday as my official blogday. I'll make a countdown of it, and I'll talk about that day as my special day whether I am with somebody or not...I'll certainly write what I feel, just like what I did in my three previous fridays...

My 4th Blogday Friday is a pleasant one...I feel okey, I'm temporarily free from financial worrying and the most important thing is, I don't really feel sad anymore....but of course I'm still wondering how he is now? after our break-up though I know he's unfair, I chose to be a friend to him, I sent him forwarded e-mails,but then one event involving a cellphone, made me changed my mind. I don't want to elaborate the incidence so far...but it sure made me changed my mind about him.

I don't wanna regret that I fell in love with someone like him, I'll just charge it to experience...Thanks for the realization anyway, I know not all love can be returned, but then I believe I deserve to be treated kindly. the only wrong thing I did in the relationship is loving him too much...after that I am not guilty of anything...I can never regret losing him, coz I really don't know what to regret.at the end of the story, I realized it's me who has done so much to please him and to make him happy. Well maybe it's him who can miss me....but I know he will be too proud to admit it. In case he misses me, it's not because he loves me but because of the favors that I did for him....I think I'll be Okey...hope the same for him...I wish him happiness and strength source from within him, so that he won't rely from one person to another in order to complete himself....

By the way, I'm taking a shuttle today, I'll join Juliet and others, but I'll be going to SM Cubao...a quite different Friday but equally exciting..

Sharing my insights ( November of 2002 )

Just attended my cousin’s birthday party and hey….it reunited me with my old world. With my old me, when I thought of happiness as just being with my family and friends…When those people I considered respectable greeted me and remembered me no matter how seldom they got to see me… when recognition tasted better and sweeter that the most expensive pastries in town…

I really enjoyed being recognized. It made me feel better. It reminded me how I used to appreciate myself and how confident I was when it comes to my capabilities…seems like I miss the old me. The one that I lost because of disappointments and heartache that arrived one after another.

When a relationship is bad..no matter how much you tried, you can never be happy completely! Happiness oftentimes rely on availability, and when you’re happy, you have to make the most of it, or it will not stay long. It’s a kind of feeling that gives you a sudden high, and then at the spur of the moment you fell into the ground, parts scattered in pieces. But the story never ends there, though in tiny pieces you still want to go high, thinking it is the ultimate happiness for you…without patching or picking up the pieces, you decided to reach that high…you want to hold on anyway, and you go up without realizing that you’re not the same “you” anymore…You’re no longer complete because some of you were left in the ground…and when the heart rules, who will realize that what you left down there are the most essential…values, principles, right judgement, self worth and everything that looks like loads which when you consider, prevents you from reaching what you’ve thought as happiness.

Too much love made me deny the truth that the relationship failed to bring out the best in me…how can that be possible when I feel in despair when he lacks effort to feed my fantasy? When upon recollection I realized that in this relationship I cried more than I laughed?., when sometimes I see imbalances in what I’ve considered as intimacy, and when there’s a confusion between the meaning of love and lust…But I stuck myself to that kind of situation…a cycle…thinking and believing that maybe he really loves me too and can’t get over me… BALONEY!

The last time I fell into the ground, it was the worst…If it was a kind of disease, the condition was severe. It almost killed me…yes, sadness and pain combined could kill…but look beyond, I learned something good from it. When I decided to dwell and soak myself in loneliness, I saw those part of me still scattered. One by one I picked them up and try to put them all together. I still am trying .. It’s not easy…While building myself up, pain never really leaves me..and it’s more agonizing when you are trapped in a place where you can always remember him.

It’s better to miss someone who is very far, than someone who is just a few walks away, and yet you know that you can’talk with him the way you used to….can’t look at him as before…because the goal is to minimize the pain, avoid the sight of him, forget him, and to correct whatever is wrong…Surviving may not be easy…but I’m working on it…For how long? Only god knows…

In my cousin’s birthday party , who would think that I am in this dilemma? With those extraordinary people who showed respect to me, who would think that somewhere in my past I devoted my heart and time to someone like him, and yet made a tremendous impact on me. A realization too, how did I let it happen? Or just thanks for the memories, pains and experiences….

I decided to share this insight for those women in the same situation, for those who can Identify with me.. Pain and disappointment is Universal… In case of heartaches, just think it does not only happen to you…It’s all right to dwell in loneliness, you’re a human being and it’s the most natural reaction. Pretending is just for show, you can convince others that you are unaffected but the moment you went home all alone, pain will surely strike you.. so don’t pretend.. it’s just a temporary escape. If you’re sad, feel it..if you’re getting misty eyed, let the tears flow…believe me it can heal…thought slowly but surely. Then always remember that there is always the “end of the line”…while in the lowest point of your life, help yourself to regain your strength…look around you and try to pick up all the pieces… Self worth is always the most important of all.. When the goal is good, God will even patch things up for you…

What I’ve written here is never an indication of a strong me…I am still working on it..I’m a human being right? But I know I’m in a right and more detailed directions… God is watching anyway.

Another Friday

It's my 3rd friday since I started my blogspot...and everyfriday I'm in different situation but the bottomline is I'm sad...sad in a way that my past, (which is not so long ago) still haunts me...I guess I have overcome the missing him symdrome. The feeling now is more of realization. A combined feeling of will I regret or won't I regret loving someone with all my heart, in all honesty inspite of his limitations..I've been so blinded for the longest time.... I thought he loves me....well I know his not worthy of all these resentments. but after all those kindness that I've shown him , I realized I've been maltreated. And sometimes I blame myself for still treating him nice, after he broke up with me...the break up is close to two months old, and the longer I am separated from him, the more I realized how incompatible we are, and how unworthy he is. It's not a good feeling that you let yourself really very close to someone whom you've thought loves you. Sometimes I wish I can get even...but a part of me still reserve a space for him...that he was once a friend too. and besides this feeling is just temporary... soon i will overcome this..

so now it's 6pm..I know I'll be sad in a minute or for an Hour. It will eventually fade afterwards...then I'll be happier again for the new things in my life...I mean I'm learning to count my blessings, focus my happiness to my life now that I'm leading the right path. Friday will always come.....and I believe one beautiful friday, I won't be like this again....

My mean week

Tomorrow is the 4th day of my "mean" week..but the angel hiding deep within me said that I should not complete my mean week, meaning, i should end it tonight...and start tomorrow as another day quietly...it's not that I'm frightened of something or anything..but I think I am not comfortable with the kind of image I'm projecting..I am not really a fighter...and I'm not the type to involve myself into arguements reaching the point of uttering immature words to equaly immature but older people...hmmm.It's not me really...I just realized, maybe i have changed..and maybe it's healthy to express one's idea, I mean what's wrong if sometimes you're insistent to what you think is right? but if you're right? is it enough to be brave enough to confront someone? why do I always reason out, am I too proud to accept I make mistakes too....or do i believe that I'm a changed woman seasoned by pains and struggles that I've encountered everyday of my life....

Friday blues...no longer blue....

It's another friday, as Jean called it, it's my very Agitating friday, i guess some people are pushing me to the limits... I guess they made me feel so mad that I wish I knew how to get even. I wish I can easily hit them and made them realized that I'm the worst when I'm mad. But then Thanks to jean for reminding me that I should stop talking to them coz I'm already very very mad....I decided to write Dir. Cui a letter, not so formal, but at least and i hope I was able to send the message...I subsided after that...Cris talked to me I knew he was sorry, he told me the loan can be released two times first the 20k then the rest on the following day...I told him after this day, I really don't care whether they will release the check or not. it will not serve its purpose anymore...the most disappointing part is I paid my two months balance to Pag-ibig fund, sacrificing the money for long weekend expenses just to comply with their requirements, ala din akong napala. Another thing the culprit finally came out...well he obviously got the nerve to talk to me, but then I have this funny feeling that I regret missing him...ang kapal ng mukha niya...how dare him telling me he is missing me when after that he would ask for something? I can easily give him what he wants even if he does not say anything like that...sayang I'm so willing to be his distant friend pa naman inspite of what he did to me....as days go by I realized what kind of person he is....grabe di na nadala sa grabeng sakit niya....it's a good thing he didn't call anymore, I can easily throw all my hatred to him...One more good timing and he'll hear words that he'll never thought I can tell him...so this friday is not blue its RED!

Ralph

I can't think of any spectacular title, I had second thoughts of using his name coz how predictable...?don't I have a plan to put a little mystery in writing about Ralph..anyway what the heck...there are so much to write about ralph, and I guess I'm one of those persons who know his beginning in this lifetime. I've known Ralph eversince, even before he was born...I remember we expected him by the month of June...I guess he did stayed long inside Tita's belly, but not long enough he went out July 1, I still can recall how Mommy lulu's maid came to tell mommy bout' tita norma's labor pains, that ralph may go out anytime..he was my constant companion during my teenage years, it's like I'm Darna and he is Ding..but he never called me "ate" and I don't know why I didn't encourage it. Maybe because I never really talk "baby talk" with Ralph and I allowed him I guess to express himself most of the time...well except for those "panglalait niya" to people, house etc.. believe me he never learned that from me, I guess its with him since birth..(hehehe). I have so many funny memories during him growing up years, it's always easier to make him laugh, thoug most of the time maybe I'm the subject of his laughter..Ci ralph whether he admit it or not, has my influence in some of his artistic sides, he draws or sketch, I was the first one to make him sing and recorded it(I'm still looking for that damn tape),yung singing,it run's in the family his ate tina sings very well, pero yung pag do-drawing, that's mine....If he speaks good english or lalo na kung write well in English, I guess that will be my influence because I was the one left at that time, Ate tina left for US, then tita June, and Kuya bong is too busy...yabang ba?But then Ralph you should familiarize yourself in writing straight english, it's a good practise, it will exercise your mind. moving on (I borrowed that from sasha's write up)I had many awkward memories with Ralph, and I guess he enjoyed it so much. Ralph's stories when he was a child is an often told story everytime the whole family reunites, the best of all is when Lizza, Ling and me lost him in fiesta carnival, he was smart enough to approach the guard of araneta coliseum and called the house and told ate tina, that Lizza, ling and I were lost and he couldn't find us. You ask what he told the guard? "may nakita ka bang tatlong babae, isang mataba, isang malaki mata at isang madaldal" how creative for his age!the story ended up with ate tina and ate mercy arriving in cubao in shorts.hehe I wonder it that beats my avocado version when I was his age?..?

PESO Part II

Peso is like a younger brother...when he first came to my house, he was like a cute puppy with tick and fleas all over his body. even when he was a puppy he already shown signs that makes me believe he is different among all the dogs in the neighborhood. He cried when he wanted to pea and to "you know what". He never gave me a problem as far as toilet discipline is concerned. I take care of Peso as if he is a Dalmatian. When he was a little puppy I brought him to office, I brought him to Sampaloc during my Tita's birthday, my Mom and I even dined to Goldilocks with him, I brought him when I went to Mercury to buy medicines, I brought him with me in the office gym, and when I jogged to nearby villages (because he will cry when I left him.).Now that he is a grown up dog, his itinerary became limited. He is so big I can't bring him to office and Mercury drugs stores anymore, but he still jogged with me If i want... whenever I comb my hair, or get my wallet, he knew that I'm going out to buy something, so definitely, he goes with me to neigborhood sari-sari stores. And when i go out all alone, people look for him, as if they are not used to see me going out of the house alone...Peso is the closest pet that I ever had..he knows when I'm mad, and he knows when I'm preparing to give him a bath....yes as a dog, he is spoiled and possesive. As far as I observed he does'nt like male human being, he is jealous of our drinking water delivery man...he is a nice dog outside our house but inside he is very unfriendly. He hates visitors, especially when they entered my bedroom, our bedroom I mean...yes Peso sleeps in my bed, with his favorite toy "ratty" (mom's xmas gift to him)so when you try to pip on my bedroom you'll see him lying flatly on his back,and with pillows...Peso does not eat like an ordinary dog, he eats in our dining table and yes one seat reserved for him, when you call him for lunch or dinner he knew exactly where to go...he eats in a refined manner, very slow as if he is taking his time, one thing i don't like about him during chow time is he normally stops eating in the middle but he never leave the table, he just sat there, threating not to finish his food, but he's waiting for you to add more chicken or pork or what ever it is the he sees on the table...Peso is no ordinary dog, which makes extraordinary too, I mean, I do celebrate his birthday, make him a delicious ref cake, I bought him toys on xmas day and I took his pictures and display in the house and office. Peso is very popular in the neighborhood, I don't knows why...my officemates knows him too.. he has five godmother, and I think the best is Ninang Betchay who gave him a ball on his very first xmas. So Peso really is a part of my life, he has a unique name, because I'm very creative in naming dogs...I really don't know what life would be without him, he is the one the brighthens my gloomy days, I hug him when I heartbroken and when I got sick 2 years ago, he never slept, I knew it coz when I cough he stands up looking at me, as if asking me"what can I do to help". Yes I love Peso so much, that I let go of plans to go abroad. I always pray he'll stay with me even if I'll found someone or till the day I die...

PESO

Since I was a kid I always have a dog. I may not be the direct master of my pets but I'm so used with dogs walking around our house...my father took care of them very well, food, veterinary visits, morning and evening exercise, and the love and affection he showered on them as if they were my younger brothers. In my teenage years Clarky came I got her name from Clark Kent of Superman, then there's Concon whose name I got from someone used to be special to me..Both dogs I loved so much but I didn't care of them enough, Clarky died because I failed to bring her to doctor on time. the most painful is with Concon, he was really very close to me, but I seldom go home at that time...when I came home he was sick, when I brought him to vet., I was told he had distemper and it was incurable...I tried to take care of him hoping for miracles, came to the point that I still need to support him in order to walk...my heart still breaks when I remember Concon, specially when mom decided to put him into mercy killing, do I have a choice, my mom's getting sick too taking care of concon. I can't forget that day when I brought him to his vet, and he was crying when I left him....I was so heartbroken, I guess it was more painful than a love one breaking my heart because, when someone hurt you, time will heal the wound...with Concon, when I remember him, I still feel the pain that choked me in my chest.... After him only one dog was left but she was not my pet...I decided not to get another dog..unless I found one who looks like concon, more than a year after his death, I decided to get a puppy, a neighbor promise me one but i told him I want male...I already had a name even If i had no idea what he looks like, I decided to call him Peso, because I believe that's what I always need.. I case I don't have money at least I have my Peso...He arrived a few days after my birthday, though his birthday was july...I was glad to see him and unexpectedly he looks like Concon though concon got that baby face look... because of previous experiences with Concon and Clarky, I promised to take care of Peso 100x more than I care for my other dogs...

Friday blues

It's Friday once again....and though I feel like my life is more stable now....meaning lesser worries as far as financial aspect is concern, at the bottom of my heart, there's this loneliness...I am always like this after 6pm...no doubt I miss him...it used to be a special day every friday...now I'm all alone. or am I a litte sad coz I didn't meet my quota. I mean recieving unanswered calls from him..only one today...it's more than 3, 2 weeks ago...funny how shallow my happiness regarding him these days. well do I have a choice?it's all I can do...it's more than one month after the break up and when you both think it was the right decision, it may not be too painful but it's really very sad... I can't help to recall how we walked together, sat together, strolled inside Robinson's Metroeast.now I'm all alone, walking along the path both familiar to us...but then when I looked back i see only good memories of him...I still wish him goodluck and happiness...good health most especially, I mean it's one of the reasons why l don't really feel so hurt letting him go...it's my one wish to our Lord before, to make him survive his sickness and I'll try to forget him completely...I know someday I'll forget everything about this, and I'll be happier. At least I'm just sad, but I feel light...a kind of light that only an inner peace can explain.

What to expect in my blogpost

I wonder if it would be great to discuss here as my initial write up the number of "no answered phone calls" that I recieved for a day? sound unimportant I guess, but you know, it gives me a feeling of joy or relief somehow...foolish...I just have this funny feeling that I know who the culprit is...and the joy? well it's only an ego trip maybe on my part...coz it looks like I am more at peace than whoever he is...I may not be perfectly living a peaceful life but I know I'm handling my cards very well....thanks to him anyway, his calls though unanswered ones made letting go easier....I just have to fight sadness and missing him syndrome, which does not require pressure..I know it's a normal feeling and it can happen to everyone. Someday he'll get tired of calling too and someday too, it will not matter anymore whether he is the one calling or not...who knows it might start today, I haven't recieved a mysterious phone call so far (see I'm waiting and expecting hehehe)thanks for the attention anyway..

Soon I'm going to introduce here my two gifted babies especially Peso, my wonderful and adorable dog, then Pissy. I'll probably talk about my mom, whose kakulitan is so exceptional, friends, relationships, my job and anything and everything that may arouse curiousity to all healthy normal individual. No descrimniation here, in case I failed to arouse somebody else's curiosity, that wont mean they're not normal...

That's all for now....

My first exposure to blog

Well im so excited, i guess i finally found a place aside from own file where I can express my writing itch....hope friends will find time to visit my site.