Sharing my insights ( November of 2002 )

Just attended my cousin’s birthday party and hey….it reunited me with my old world. With my old me, when I thought of happiness as just being with my family and friends…When those people I considered respectable greeted me and remembered me no matter how seldom they got to see me… when recognition tasted better and sweeter that the most expensive pastries in town…

I really enjoyed being recognized. It made me feel better. It reminded me how I used to appreciate myself and how confident I was when it comes to my capabilities…seems like I miss the old me. The one that I lost because of disappointments and heartache that arrived one after another.

When a relationship is bad..no matter how much you tried, you can never be happy completely! Happiness oftentimes rely on availability, and when you’re happy, you have to make the most of it, or it will not stay long. It’s a kind of feeling that gives you a sudden high, and then at the spur of the moment you fell into the ground, parts scattered in pieces. But the story never ends there, though in tiny pieces you still want to go high, thinking it is the ultimate happiness for you…without patching or picking up the pieces, you decided to reach that high…you want to hold on anyway, and you go up without realizing that you’re not the same “you” anymore…You’re no longer complete because some of you were left in the ground…and when the heart rules, who will realize that what you left down there are the most essential…values, principles, right judgement, self worth and everything that looks like loads which when you consider, prevents you from reaching what you’ve thought as happiness.

Too much love made me deny the truth that the relationship failed to bring out the best in me…how can that be possible when I feel in despair when he lacks effort to feed my fantasy? When upon recollection I realized that in this relationship I cried more than I laughed?., when sometimes I see imbalances in what I’ve considered as intimacy, and when there’s a confusion between the meaning of love and lust…But I stuck myself to that kind of situation…a cycle…thinking and believing that maybe he really loves me too and can’t get over me… BALONEY!

The last time I fell into the ground, it was the worst…If it was a kind of disease, the condition was severe. It almost killed me…yes, sadness and pain combined could kill…but look beyond, I learned something good from it. When I decided to dwell and soak myself in loneliness, I saw those part of me still scattered. One by one I picked them up and try to put them all together. I still am trying .. It’s not easy…While building myself up, pain never really leaves me..and it’s more agonizing when you are trapped in a place where you can always remember him.

It’s better to miss someone who is very far, than someone who is just a few walks away, and yet you know that you can’talk with him the way you used to….can’t look at him as before…because the goal is to minimize the pain, avoid the sight of him, forget him, and to correct whatever is wrong…Surviving may not be easy…but I’m working on it…For how long? Only god knows…

In my cousin’s birthday party , who would think that I am in this dilemma? With those extraordinary people who showed respect to me, who would think that somewhere in my past I devoted my heart and time to someone like him, and yet made a tremendous impact on me. A realization too, how did I let it happen? Or just thanks for the memories, pains and experiences….

I decided to share this insight for those women in the same situation, for those who can Identify with me.. Pain and disappointment is Universal… In case of heartaches, just think it does not only happen to you…It’s all right to dwell in loneliness, you’re a human being and it’s the most natural reaction. Pretending is just for show, you can convince others that you are unaffected but the moment you went home all alone, pain will surely strike you.. so don’t pretend.. it’s just a temporary escape. If you’re sad, feel it..if you’re getting misty eyed, let the tears flow…believe me it can heal…thought slowly but surely. Then always remember that there is always the “end of the line”…while in the lowest point of your life, help yourself to regain your strength…look around you and try to pick up all the pieces… Self worth is always the most important of all.. When the goal is good, God will even patch things up for you…

What I’ve written here is never an indication of a strong me…I am still working on it..I’m a human being right? But I know I’m in a right and more detailed directions… God is watching anyway.