Empowering myself, to fight all unnecessary feelings attached to living alone made me doubt myself and my heart's capacity to love other people, moreso another human male specie....I just felt like I don't want to be at the mercy of others just to have company.... I am happy that I am no longer the girl who can't live without her friends or company whereever she goes... I am happy that my everyday life no longer depends on a particular person, that I really don't feel awkward anymore if I am walking alone or going home alone, or shop alone, or eat alone...
That at present, I see myself very exhausted to express affection, care and even friendship. That I am becoming a friend in words,thoughts and heart (coz that's the best excuse) and yet too tired to be with them physically. Suddenly my idea of friendship does not mean constant togetherness, that there is always a special time for them but not necessarily everyday. That suddenly I realized that what I am trying to avoid is attachment, that I don't want to be affected whether somebody left, and I am always the one left behind....
And it is indeed very obvious that my overflowing affection is concentrated or limited only to my two dogs, Peso and Pissy, I mean, I don't just love these two little rascals they are also my priorities. They are like another human beings in my home and their presence in my life made me invincible to the absence of others.
But there are days when you try to look back and recall the passion in you before it gets to the deteriorating mode. And since anti-attachment pill does not really exist, and I am still a human being after all, sometimes, in the middle of the night and when dogs are sleeping soundly, simple things just melt me....Well it's alright to get mushy, I am alone anyway and only God will know....
The heartshaped pillow still occupies a space in my bed... and I don't remember planning to change its present location... Why should I, I don't feel any resentment anymore, all I just remember are memories of passionate me, and how heart ruled at that time.... that it's ok if it will remain in my bed forever, it may not mean still holding a torch for someone, but just a simple reminder that once upon a time in my life I was passionately in love, that I know how to love and appreciate human beings... that my life may end loving Peso and Pissy, but at least I know, I am capable to love and accept no matter what.....
Next day will be a different day... time to go back to reality, to what I love to do, and to what I think is comfortable for me..... 530 am walk the dog activity again.... I really look forward to wake up early and stroll with Peso and enjoy the nature and fresh air.... Passion may deteriorate from time to time but with today's high cost of living, who can think of passion when worrying how to make both ends meet..? When your dogs are sick and you don't have enough resources to sustain an above good life for them.? HOw can you be a good friend when you are not good to yourself... so I better think like this for now "I, me and my dogs".
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