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Monday, October 10, 2005

Red ink pen


RED INK PEN, normally used for the purpose of correcting one's mistake,for checking one's advantage...It is Red because, it can stand out, and the one involves can easily realized his mistakes and how he did it...It's a good thing that I have a blog that can absorb all my complains no matter how irrational it can be....if I told the person directly everything that I said in my MAZE Episode, we are probably not in speaking terms these days....Not all that my mind told me is true, it was my heart dictating my brain..you know when the heart thought it's in its way of getting broken, it pours out unreasonable thoughts...foolishly hurting itself by thinking how the others neglect them just like that...but it was proven untrue...and I ended up laughing at myself...so this blog is a Red Ink Pen, Intendedly written to correct some words that I've written in "MAZE"....Life is not really that bad.....that I am not as neglected as I thought I was..that I was missed and eventually important, on what level I really don't need to know....but the point is, some thing must be corrected so hope this one serves...

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

MAZE


job, call of duty, what a good excuse to leave me slowly.....and do you think I have rest while you're gone? some have a notion that you volunteered to be assigned there coz it;s more practical....you spend less fare, free lunch, merienda and dinner....and I was told even pressure is lesser there....plenty of things to do but with much less pressure....all those conveniences in exchange of my presence in your life... and you can't even call me....a friend told me how uncomfortable it is to use two telephones for personal reasons, and besides it's too crowded there, and so many bosses too....so at least you have another reasons not to get in touch.... what a good excuse to avoid me....of course you can text me in your own free will.... but you never text me....life is hard, 1 peso is too expensive to inform someone of your present activities, is it really too expensive you can't even tell me that you miss me too...or at least give me a hint that you are also in the dilemma of not having me around??or just plain tell me the truth? or really those conveniences are everything for you.... again you are making me feel like the least important person in your life.... what is this? is this another hint of letting go?what are we afraid of? why am I so afraid of not having you around when most of the time I doubt your love for me.... will I again convince myself of this foolishness that "at least I love you, you don't have much time so I will always make time for you." (sigh) Funny you don't seem to realize things that I do for you.... so what am I doing here loving you.....damn it.. you don't even need my love... why do you always return to me after a break up...why can't you decide with all your strength? again I am thinking of forgetting you... to be away from you permanently... why am I loving you when you don;t love me enough.... why can't you get in touch when you know you have me....don't you want me anymore? or you want to get the best of both worlds, pleasing the other, while still having me and yet making me wait until the situation gets cold...so while you're there happy and comfortable, I am here sad and alone with no idea of your intentions....and you are there in full confidence that I will always accept you, no matter how often you hurt me....you did it before....why not now....again, where am I? MAZE? with directions from left to right to front to back where am I going? It's fun inside this Maze, but the fascination in it is superficial,it gives you a sudden high, but will pull you down in a wink of an eye, it wears off easily, just like anything that melts under the sun... Have I lost my sanity that I can't find my way out....or is it me really, putting myself into this trap?

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

adjusting.....


Just learned a lesson.... well I knew this but I didn't apply it to my life....anyway, I have learned the importance of flexibility in this ever changing life....that comfort zone should not be treated seriously.....coz once you became so attached to it, your initial reaction to change is another form of exaggerations...and you can never believe how unreasonable you are....I am so unreasonable coz I can't stop my annoyance to changes that just affected my life.....I cannot believe it....Gosh for three months....or more.....with limited communications....Ok Ok there's nothing I can do about it..it's the job that matters here.... now I'm beginning to teach myself how to live alone again....I mean it's just a temporary thing in our lives, but I guess practice is necessary. I really feel so uncomfortable with the situation that if I don't control myself, I will make another drastic move that can mean a disaster to me... there are so many things that I should do.....i'll bear the pain....the void.....I will be used to it I know.... but for the mean time....I wish I can express what I feel.....(sigh).....wish I can communicate through my productive mind......and may the one whom I wish to communicate with me feels the same intensity......time to apply the lesson...I have never learned......refuse to learn? whatever...."Miss you Peso peso wish you're here beside Ate..."

Monday, October 03, 2005

Slow dance


A day before my birthday, I was given a hint that I can never expect a happier birthday... Sad as usual. I really feel so sad...hopeless....making me feel like my life is a slow dance....dancing to the tune of equally slow and eerie music, no one knows when will it stop....I can feel life as a long dark tunnel of sadness...and I am so alone in the dark....love ones left....some dreams gone...there's this one who provided light when everything seems so dull and dark...time has changed, situations followed, I just woke up the following day realizing that the only one whom I thought provided me light,can't even flicker for me....he is there and I am left with mixed emotions...in total darkness.... it pains me...slowly....like a slow dance...I'm not even sure what can calm me down....it hurts missing everybody when there's nothing you can do but to just think of them....and memories prolong pain, agony...life is really a slow dance for me...too slow it bores me....poor Peso, poor Pissy....they didn't know what Ate's pain, coz' when she's with them all she does is shower them with love and care...what will happen to them if Ate will give in to this slow dance....I don;t want them to feel what I'm feeling...don't want them to join me in my slowdance....