My Peso Story

My Adorable Dog

I called him Peso....the love of my life...he's a God's gift to me...a stuff toy brought to life.....my guardian angel in disguise....a younger brother that I never had... I'm proud to tell the world, I have a dog like him... when he sleeps he is like a baby.....he loves to lie down on a soft cushioned bed, couch and plenty of pillows...he preferred the electric fan on....

I always love to spoil him....

and when he eats...he knows his place in the dining table...and you will know if he likes what you're cooking...even if you don't call him, you'll see him on the dining table sitting on his favorite chair...waiting to be served....well years of talking to him made me believe he understands everything that I told him...2 christmases ago, mommy gave him a gift, a small ratty stuff toy...so I named it ratty..

Ratty is his favorite toy....he normally brings it out from our bedroom when he likes my visitors....sometimes..he just love showing it to children of our guests, but never let them touch it..... but before ratty came to his life...Peso loves to play ball.... I even call him my MVP... his ninang betchay gave him a ball on his first christmas....Peso used to love balls that he thought all the balls that landed in our garden is his...he even went to one basketball court in our subdivision...thinking that the group of young men were playing with his ball....I believe as a basketball player....Peso is a good defensive player..


he really knows how to protect his ball....

When not playing...peso takes care of ate's other dog... Pissy...Peso-peso is really a very good dog who hates to take a bath....but still ate loves him very much


well...that's my peso.. (My better version of this is more colorful; supported by pictures that help narrates the story)

I was Born in the year of the Rooster

Yes I was born in the year of the rooster...this is supposed to be my year....12 years ago, 1993 It was the happiest year of my life...until now I can't remember a year that surpassed it's happiness. This year 2005, is my year.....it is also the worst year so far....twelve years ago I look forward to this year, thinking that something good will happen again...but I was wrong......this is the worst year of my life, and I hope nothing worst will happen to me in the coming years....aside from my financial problems, I lost my mother....and until now I really don't know how to cure myself. I still cry when I remember her....then I decided to lost something, maybe it's bad but it was my choice....one of my support system ended, again it's another blow to my ever dying financial stand....so i was forced to apply for a GSIS salary loan. It was more than a disaster... it was a huge loan and yet I got less than what I've expected....too many deductions some were caused by their (inefficient records ..now tell me who's to be blamed)imagine charging emergency loan balance which I have paid in full last year...they deducted some of my loans with over over interest...and yet they are too slow in refunding what they charged me...what a nice Bday gift....then the promotion..of course I did not make it.. what's new......then there's this problem with sweetheart...though were ok now... well I don't know what's next.....3 months to go to end my year of the rooster...funny....hope I'll have a better year next year.... better year, meaning I'll be leaving PMS, I'll be having higher income and most of all i'll be having a baby??I hope I can afford it all next year...

CALM DOWN

Now I know what I should do, whenever I feel I can kill somebody because of too much hatred, grudge,,fury...I'll just look at my two loveable doggies, and let me remind myself that I am more of a loving person, that just like my dogs "I don't bite unless I am threatened". I hate my neighborhood...I hate most of the tricycle drivers there...I guess because of hardship in life they became mean to some whom they think is a big threat to their source of living....OK I should understand them...you know, hard life, lack of education, no enough values acquired....but then I don't believe hardship or lack of education can be an excuse for being impolite to others...in fact even those with complete college education sometimes acts as if they've never been to school eversince..I'm one those... and I recognized that mistake in my part...why should I stoop down to their level? OK they are so proud... you're at their mercy....there's no other way to reach the subdivision but just the "tricycle"...I am not rich enough to take a cab everyday. Boy they just ruin my day.... how can they be so proud...is that a kind of depense mechanism....? I hate them all, some of them I have cursed before...so at the height of fury, it's then I realized the need for prayers...Forgive me Lord for the kind of hatred I have for those people...give me strenth....help me calm down....don't allow blood to flow in my hands...please guide those people...please enlighten them....hope one day they'll wake up knowing the importance of respect for fellowmen...."" I really love my dogs....They're the positive aura in my life..

I envy Peso when I watch him asleep

(This is just a revival..I published this December of last year...Just saw the picture and realized that it fits one of my blogs...honestly that's not where peso really sleeps. it was just one of his afternoon naps. Things have changed...mom died last may...so some of the things here were not updated anymore,I changed one word in the title)

It's a routinary scene everynight...when I prepared my bedroom for I sleep. I sprayed insect killer and Air freshener, turned off the light to open the lampshade, then turn on the electric fan...But I'm not going to sleep yet...it's peso who's ready to fall asleep, and he knows exactly when it's time to enter the bedroom. He knows his place in the bed and he assumed that the extra pillow is his....he has several positions when he is in deep sleep, the cutest are when he is lying flatly on the bed and when he leaned his head on the pillow, I enjoyed watching him not only because of his adorable cuteness, but also because of the peace that I see in him. I guess he never really had the so called troubled sleep... a kind of sleep common to emotionally disturb people. He is a picture of confidence to a brighter tomorrow, that I will always be around to feed him, bath him(no matter how he hates it), to take care of him and to love him as if he is my baby..... I can't remember the last time I slept that way....I guess it was more than a decade ago. When my father was still alive and my mother was still as dependable as ever...I guess when you accept your responsibilities and roles in life, you'll have fewer sleep. When i worry with my mom's health, I have little sleep...When I remember my other debts, I can't really sleep...But at least I'm thankful I still have my mom around, I'm thankful of my two loveable doggies, and most of all I'm thankful I was able to finish one episode of my life when I thought loneliness could kill me....at least my sleepless nights are not all worthless....coz I dedicated it to those who deserve my unconditional love...

I hate......I hate ...I hate...!!!!!

Peso is not happy there..he is mad and annoyed....what I'm feeling now is similar to that.. or even worse....yesterday was a holiday and I was not happy for that....holidays are for the rich...not for me...I'm expecting my salary on monday and the Government declared the holiday late....my situation then was close to pathetic and I hate the world for it....I have no more budget for monday....I almost beg coz I need to feed my dogs and myself as well....I have so much hatred deep within me...I hate the tricycle drivers at our neighborhood, I hate one neighbor, I hate those who never understood what it felt like to have nothing to spend for simple basic needs....I hate those who don't consider my comments...I hate to celebrate somebody else's departure... I hate to join them in party.. I hate people who excanged their principles for money.!!I hate being told that I should befriend May Manauis coz someday I'm going to need her...damn you all!!!!

"why dog's picture in my blog post?"

He is no ordinary dog...he's the dog of my life....my adorable dog...a younger brother that I never had, my guardian angel in disguise..... I called him "PESO"....a name no one can forget...

From now on Peso will be a part of my blog, as he portrays a big role in my life....so why him?he is the positive aspect of my life. He represents the loving part of me....He is like a friendly soul sent to me by God, so that I can always stand up after all the sorrows I've encountered in my life...Peso made me recover faster when mommy died....he sees me when I cried, he's the very first man ever to see me naked(hahaha), he always follow me wherever I go....and he never sleeps without me....so we are really inseparable unless I'm in the office.... Now that I'm all alone, I depend a lot to Peso....Passing all the responsibilities to him when I'm not home....I guess of all the dogs I had, PESO will be one to stay with me even after this lifetime...

Why I blog.....

I blog for one and only reason...And that is to "write"...blogging allowed me to express my writing itches....my sentiments....my unexposed world....my guardian angels that bark...my inspirations...my love....blogging enhances the creativity hidden at the depth of my innermost persona. Now is the proper time...let's one prolific mind be cultivated....

Wait a minute....

< Well I'm not done with my dogs episode yet...I mean..Peso is not my only dog....I have a 1 year old girl and I called her "Pissy", short for Piseta, which means another Philippine Currency or Peso counterpart...She is not as smart as Peso but she has her own talent....well she can stand up and balance for a longer seconds or minutes...she does not understand everything that I told her but her playful attitude and sweetness made me very very fond of her..just take a look...she looks wild but she's really sweet and polite..

Relationship in a higher level

I've been in a relationship for years now...and it's only just now that I realized how deeply I got involved in it....I am in a way happy..but I have fears....now that I completely committed myself to it, now I realized all the possibilities....now I am beginning to feel so depensive of my being...that my parents' raised me well, that whatever choices I made in my life it's my own personal decision and I'm the only one to be blamed...That I am once a good girl and this choice that I made is the only blemish in my being....now I'm one of those that I used to observe...now I'm one of those who decided to live with a wrong decision in exchange of pleasures that only heart can recognize....but i don't regret what I did...I am just beginning to accept the new me.....the me that my love ones never knew exists....I guess it's really saying goodbye to the old me..including my values.....but I swear not to be that different to my old me....I will always try to maintain and set my limitations....and try to be extra careful....I mean I pray for God's guidance... I know how I disappointed him...I know he did so many things so that I can always maintain the old me...it was me really....

Yearly sentiments

Now I realized,,Spiderman is right... no matter what you do for them, at the end of everything, it's all your mistakes that they remember....I guess I'm a victim of that fate...and I guess I am left for no other choice but to temporarily stay to where I am, no matter how bad they made me feel, and how they bring out the worst in me....I believe I can always do better, but I don't think I can survive in a surrounding that nobody trusts me....nobody trusts me that I can do it, or they just can't accept the fact maybe that an admin assistant has a potential to be like them, or shall I say....I am maybe in a very wrong world, and it's only me insisting that things will soon work out fine, that maybe I never made the worst decisions of my life....Sometimes even I don't know what I can do to PMS anymore,that I've no choice but to search for the root of everything..where shall I start? did I make the first wrong decision after highschool? choosing the wrong course, It should have been journalism not broadcasting?fine arts? is it my backing out from a computer science course at St. Paul's Manila? or it's not the course..it's the kind of job that I chose to start, where eventually i did not survive....it's the wrong notion maybe, that everything has it simple beginning, that it's a natural thing that I started as clerk or as a secretary. I should insist on my potentials....or maybe it's not the job...maybe it's the culture that I have seen from the start...that the technical staff is always above superior than an admins staff....technical staff has more potentials, it's what they will always feel that comes first...never mind about what an admin staff feels...ok....maybe I'll just accept I have an attitude....I'm so outspoken and I say what I want no matter who you are.....but I'm just defending myself coz no once gonna do it but me....but helllo am I the worst person in PMS? am I the most inefficient?(though I don't accept that I am).

missing mommy

I was riding a tricycle from our subdivision to FX station when I suddenly remember mommy, and I can't help but cry...I miss mommy so much, especially at this time when my finances is in danger again. at least before even if mommy is sicked, still I am not alone...I really feel so alone.....I often dream of mommy..I know last night I dreamed of her.....but i can't remember what it's all about....

Again?

Four years ago of January, Erap was faced with various cases which led to his exile....now its GMA's turn to taste the bitter part of being a President. When some of her trusted cabinet secretaries turned their backs on her, requesting her to resign...again we are waiting.....again we will welcome a change in government..maybe again we will welcome another PMS Head.....ay naku puro simula....

Not yet adjusted

I'm still in the office right now...overtime....it's SONA month for those not too familiar, it is "state of the nation address" of the president..yes we're working to death inspite of all the controversies.. trabaho lang....well me i'm still not adjusted to my new situation now coz I still go home early even if it's only peso and pissy waiting for me...I still don't go out on a gimmick. I know I should now make a move to point myself to a new direction...I should strive for improvement..or shall I say higher income. Well I know I can't do it right away...I still have so many things to fix....gosh my leave credit is pathetic.....almost nothing left to my salary...the good thing is, I don't worry much now if I have only a hundred in my pocket...the advantage of missing mommy, I don't worry anymore for her medicines, and more delicious food. I can survive with anything with my dogs...hehehe, but you know I believe that God provides.....i can feel it everyday....hehe

Recovering

I'm beginning to live a normal life without mommy, doing the same things that I did before mommy died....the difference now is I take care only of 2 dogs...and I'm the only human being in my home...deep inside me, I'm still very sad, and I feel it still so unfair not to have my parents,when I still don't have my own family,..yeah I do have a relationship and a someone but, it can't cover up for the loss...I mean....I'm thinking on putting an end to it coz' aside from the fact that it does not have a future, it just don't make me feel for the joy that I used to feel... Maybe I should really start a new life alone....and focus on thing that I really need (money) and those that I really love (my dogs)which stays with me in my home and waits for me when I'm out for work... I know my relatives and friends care for me but they are not with me when I'm home....my dogs are few of those things that I can call my own....they are my companions, and they are with me when I sleep and they wake me up in the morning...I guess it's a wise decision to go back to my own house...

Tuesday morning irritations

As I walk my way going to office, all that I have in mind is the annoyance I felt for some people... I was thinking of Marissa, it's almost payday and I don't know how much should I pay her....will I pay her less than what we agreed when mommy was alive? I know it's not fair to pay her the same amount considering her performance..she seldom showed up and she never really stayed long in the house...and considering the amount the I gave her each time she went to my house to feed the dogs,most of my money went to her transportation when it was not my problem before when she went to my house to take care of mommy....I really need to talk to her.....then a few walks away from PMS I saw May Manaius... not a good sight to start a day....I really hate her to the bones....I rather not see her....then I realize I'm also carrying a heavy heart for PMS. Hina ko talaga sa kanila...Imagine some units were not aware that mommy died...buti pa si Sec. Tiglao and Asec. Edna kahit di ako kilala personally, nakaalala...

About mommy pa rin

Si mommy she's always on my mind, every improvement that I experience in my life I attributed to her death. The sad thing is why can't I have these improvements when she is alive..I guess that is one of my unfulfilled dreams. It used to be my obsession, living comfortably with my parents..yung bang life is so comfortable and stable that I really don't need to leave the house for work, but to just stay home and take care of my parents,have good times with them, spoil them... now they're like shattered dreams for both of them have gave in to our Lord's calling... and I'm alone....if luckier,mommy's pension can be transfer to me, coz I'm single and an only child....looks like they're the ones taking good care of me even if they're gone...

Changes after mommy's departure

I'm in my first week of living my life without a mother. I mean she's completely gone after I sent her to her last home...with my father. Life is conveniently good...I am not rushing to go home....when I reach home which is not my home...(I'm temporarily staying at tita norma's house,,very few memories of mommy, no peso, no pissy but with Internet which I can use comfortably hehe). I don't rush home to cook and I have no one to care about whether she likes to eat or not...at my tita's house somebody cooks for me, do the laundry for me, buy something from the store for me... all I need to do is watch tv and mind myself. all for myself...very very far from what I was many years ago....for the first time money is not an issue in my life....and I guess gone are those days when,when I am always in need of money, taking all the loans I can get to survive my everyday expenses and to survive life...Thank God, my cousins are supportive...some are generous....in other words, I see positive life ahead.... but in exchange of all those things is my mother...at the end of the day, it's my mommy that I miss and everything that I regularly do for her....I never really regret that I have turned down several gimicks for her...she's not really the reason, I really just don't feel like going out...I may find freedom when she died but God knows I never prayed for that kind of freedom. Up to the last moment I was fighting for my mommy's life...no matter how many invisible visitors were there waiting for her...but mom is so tired...she deserves to rest...before I sent her to the hospital I overheard saying "pano si Maricel" it was not clear in fact I just thought she called me. Maybe she was talking to my father...maybe he was trying to convince mommy that it was time to go...maybe it took one week for mommy to decide.. and I guess they believe I'm strong enough to be alone... para talagang pelikula buhay ko...only child na nga ako naulila pa...but still...GOD thy will be done....

Two Weeks Sorrow

I'm out of the office for two weeks now....and I am still not going to office next week. I brought mami to hospital on the 15th of May 8 pm, stayed there for 1 week, and died on monday of the following week. If somebody would ask what am I feeling these days...it's unexplainable.....the sorrow is so deep that I really cannot cry anymore....I had difficult time on my mommy's final week. the effect is more on the emotional side. pain, fear and guilt combined...pain of seeing mommy suffer,pain on knowing mommy really wants eternal rest, and pain on the reality that I can never have her forever...fear for i believe she's all I have in this world...fear for lifetime solitude, fear of the changes waiting for me ahead. Guilt because I don't think I have served her enough...guilt for not telling her how I value her in my life and guilt for what I told her when I had simply gone mad....

Now I'm about to face the new chapter of my life....the changes are so overwhelming, that I really don't know what to do first. Initial effect is my temporary separation from Peso and Pissy...Most especially peso....God knows how I desperately told him to look after mom and house when I'm out for work, and he had done his job well. He's a younger brother that I never have... and I terribly miss him. I have lost mom...and I'm in the process of knowing how it feels like to be alone...without a mother... I have never imagined life without her...but do I have a choice...she suffered a lot...and I regret for not being completely attentive to her health...never thought of the possible comlications...

On the lighter side, mom's death brought back something that I used to own...it's the love I have for my relatives, something I thought I have lost more than years ago...the beauty of what my fellowmen have, and the patience for everything. Before mommy died I was thinking that If she would leave me at that moment, I will never have a life in a stright direction, hatred all over...etc...maybe the "thoughts" made her stay more eventhough she's in the state of dying... anytime. Now I'll be working on fixing my life... alone without parents... too old to be an "Orphan"... With God's help...with relatives/love ones' help...I know I'll never fail...

To my friends who spent time reading my blogs

Dear friends, thanks so much for the time....I mean in our very busy world I guess this is the only way for you people to know the latest about me....whatever your reactions maybe, i would like to let you know that the intention of the blog is to entertain you. In case some matters here aroused your curiousity, you're always free to comment or you can talk to me privately...again thank so much for travelling along the wonderful paths of my life...you're a part of me somehow for you are reading my life....and to read my life is to know me, and to know me is to accept me, with all your heart. Again thank you...I am a nobody that you put in a pedestal...that's how I describe my feeling knowing you're providing your precious time on this.

Writing that leaves a mark

Too much blogging made me neglect my creative inclinations...my word combinations are those I ordinarily have in mind....I would like to believe that blogging regularly will enhance my gift, well in a way it does but, blogging is so cool that I no longer care for the impact of the words that I combined..blogging does not have a focus. To impress the reader is not the outmost concern...it unconsciously becomes an open diary maintaining stories of everyday life. Maybe I should add more intensity to my write ups here in blog....and it's what I always want...a write up with Legacy.....the one with a mark....