Recovering

I'm beginning to live a normal life without mommy, doing the same things that I did before mommy died....the difference now is I take care only of 2 dogs...and I'm the only human being in my home...deep inside me, I'm still very sad, and I feel it still so unfair not to have my parents,when I still don't have my own family,..yeah I do have a relationship and a someone but, it can't cover up for the loss...I mean....I'm thinking on putting an end to it coz' aside from the fact that it does not have a future, it just don't make me feel for the joy that I used to feel... Maybe I should really start a new life alone....and focus on thing that I really need (money) and those that I really love (my dogs)which stays with me in my home and waits for me when I'm out for work... I know my relatives and friends care for me but they are not with me when I'm home....my dogs are few of those things that I can call my own....they are my companions, and they are with me when I sleep and they wake me up in the morning...I guess it's a wise decision to go back to my own house...

Tuesday morning irritations

As I walk my way going to office, all that I have in mind is the annoyance I felt for some people... I was thinking of Marissa, it's almost payday and I don't know how much should I pay her....will I pay her less than what we agreed when mommy was alive? I know it's not fair to pay her the same amount considering her performance..she seldom showed up and she never really stayed long in the house...and considering the amount the I gave her each time she went to my house to feed the dogs,most of my money went to her transportation when it was not my problem before when she went to my house to take care of mommy....I really need to talk to her.....then a few walks away from PMS I saw May Manaius... not a good sight to start a day....I really hate her to the bones....I rather not see her....then I realize I'm also carrying a heavy heart for PMS. Hina ko talaga sa kanila...Imagine some units were not aware that mommy died...buti pa si Sec. Tiglao and Asec. Edna kahit di ako kilala personally, nakaalala...

About mommy pa rin

Si mommy she's always on my mind, every improvement that I experience in my life I attributed to her death. The sad thing is why can't I have these improvements when she is alive..I guess that is one of my unfulfilled dreams. It used to be my obsession, living comfortably with my parents..yung bang life is so comfortable and stable that I really don't need to leave the house for work, but to just stay home and take care of my parents,have good times with them, spoil them... now they're like shattered dreams for both of them have gave in to our Lord's calling... and I'm alone....if luckier,mommy's pension can be transfer to me, coz I'm single and an only child....looks like they're the ones taking good care of me even if they're gone...

Changes after mommy's departure

I'm in my first week of living my life without a mother. I mean she's completely gone after I sent her to her last home...with my father. Life is conveniently good...I am not rushing to go home....when I reach home which is not my home...(I'm temporarily staying at tita norma's house,,very few memories of mommy, no peso, no pissy but with Internet which I can use comfortably hehe). I don't rush home to cook and I have no one to care about whether she likes to eat or not...at my tita's house somebody cooks for me, do the laundry for me, buy something from the store for me... all I need to do is watch tv and mind myself. all for myself...very very far from what I was many years ago....for the first time money is not an issue in my life....and I guess gone are those days when,when I am always in need of money, taking all the loans I can get to survive my everyday expenses and to survive life...Thank God, my cousins are supportive...some are generous....in other words, I see positive life ahead.... but in exchange of all those things is my mother...at the end of the day, it's my mommy that I miss and everything that I regularly do for her....I never really regret that I have turned down several gimicks for her...she's not really the reason, I really just don't feel like going out...I may find freedom when she died but God knows I never prayed for that kind of freedom. Up to the last moment I was fighting for my mommy's life...no matter how many invisible visitors were there waiting for her...but mom is so tired...she deserves to rest...before I sent her to the hospital I overheard saying "pano si Maricel" it was not clear in fact I just thought she called me. Maybe she was talking to my father...maybe he was trying to convince mommy that it was time to go...maybe it took one week for mommy to decide.. and I guess they believe I'm strong enough to be alone... para talagang pelikula buhay ko...only child na nga ako naulila pa...but still...GOD thy will be done....

Two Weeks Sorrow

I'm out of the office for two weeks now....and I am still not going to office next week. I brought mami to hospital on the 15th of May 8 pm, stayed there for 1 week, and died on monday of the following week. If somebody would ask what am I feeling these days...it's unexplainable.....the sorrow is so deep that I really cannot cry anymore....I had difficult time on my mommy's final week. the effect is more on the emotional side. pain, fear and guilt combined...pain of seeing mommy suffer,pain on knowing mommy really wants eternal rest, and pain on the reality that I can never have her forever...fear for i believe she's all I have in this world...fear for lifetime solitude, fear of the changes waiting for me ahead. Guilt because I don't think I have served her enough...guilt for not telling her how I value her in my life and guilt for what I told her when I had simply gone mad....

Now I'm about to face the new chapter of my life....the changes are so overwhelming, that I really don't know what to do first. Initial effect is my temporary separation from Peso and Pissy...Most especially peso....God knows how I desperately told him to look after mom and house when I'm out for work, and he had done his job well. He's a younger brother that I never have... and I terribly miss him. I have lost mom...and I'm in the process of knowing how it feels like to be alone...without a mother... I have never imagined life without her...but do I have a choice...she suffered a lot...and I regret for not being completely attentive to her health...never thought of the possible comlications...

On the lighter side, mom's death brought back something that I used to own...it's the love I have for my relatives, something I thought I have lost more than years ago...the beauty of what my fellowmen have, and the patience for everything. Before mommy died I was thinking that If she would leave me at that moment, I will never have a life in a stright direction, hatred all over...etc...maybe the "thoughts" made her stay more eventhough she's in the state of dying... anytime. Now I'll be working on fixing my life... alone without parents... too old to be an "Orphan"... With God's help...with relatives/love ones' help...I know I'll never fail...

To my friends who spent time reading my blogs

Dear friends, thanks so much for the time....I mean in our very busy world I guess this is the only way for you people to know the latest about me....whatever your reactions maybe, i would like to let you know that the intention of the blog is to entertain you. In case some matters here aroused your curiousity, you're always free to comment or you can talk to me privately...again thank so much for travelling along the wonderful paths of my life...you're a part of me somehow for you are reading my life....and to read my life is to know me, and to know me is to accept me, with all your heart. Again thank you...I am a nobody that you put in a pedestal...that's how I describe my feeling knowing you're providing your precious time on this.

Writing that leaves a mark

Too much blogging made me neglect my creative inclinations...my word combinations are those I ordinarily have in mind....I would like to believe that blogging regularly will enhance my gift, well in a way it does but, blogging is so cool that I no longer care for the impact of the words that I combined..blogging does not have a focus. To impress the reader is not the outmost concern...it unconsciously becomes an open diary maintaining stories of everyday life. Maybe I should add more intensity to my write ups here in blog....and it's what I always want...a write up with Legacy.....the one with a mark....

Love Life

what is life without love?...foolish question...but what I'm going to write here has nothing to do with the question..for I never question life when I don't have a lovelife, the important thing is I know how to apply love not just to one person but to those who touch my life.... My relationship with my someone is surprisingly smooth sailing for the past 2 months... we are together for almost five years excluding those times when I believed he was not as committed as he was today...but moving on...inspite of the complications in pursuing this relations, I can say that I am more at ease nowadays... Maybe I have matured, and him too.... I have realized our limitations, and just enjoy life.... I'm happy going home with him after office, I'm happy going to gym with him too. I guess aside from intimacy, a friendship bloomed deeper ....I guess that's what I like in a long term relationship...you're closeness is more meaningful, and you're no longer conscious on your appearance in front of each other.... It was a learning experience falling in love with someone like him...it's a destiny's game when I met him and accept him in my life....there was even a time when I thought, I have ended a chapter of my life on him....but just like harry potter and lord of the rings, it gave birth to its sequel, not knowing where to stop... it may not be as magical as the two popular movies, but the magic that I feel when I'm with him lasts...the kind the give me strength somehow...who would understand me? well so far I will just enjoy the magic...

Good time with my younger friends

I had a great time last night with Marisse and Mark...yes at last the gimicks that we planned 2 months ago were fulfilled last night and it's worth the wait...well I was always the reason why it didn't push through, I have plenty of reasons...but their eagerness to be with my company overwhlemed me so finally I gave in... So for the first time I go out with people younger than me....younger but more mature than I when it comes to some part of life where maturity is required... Honestly I feel so happy to have friends like them....first time ko to go out with friends na ako ang pinakamatanda and imagine the age difference, parang it's like going out with my younger counsins Ralph and Hiyas....

Paranoia during my one month and a half delayed period

I know it's impossible, but at those times when my period failed to come on time, I was worried...I'm not ready...I'm not financially stable...I'm thinking, if it's meant to happen it will happen. Some friends encouraged me, they said it was a blessing from the Lord....hidden deep inside me is a feeling of longing to have it too...but I have fear....I was about to accept things as they are, trying to plan the next steps that I should do, just in case..... when it finally arrived, At last.it was extra heavy maybe trying to make up for the lost time....and when the paranoia is over, all I have to say is "sayang"...

Very touching

everything about my mom really touches me... and when I encountered person whose concern to her is more than I expected, it really melts my heart... Sang called, she said, she would like to have early lunch with us, but need to leave at exactly 1pm for a meeting. She works somewhere in clark and she's in Manila for a meeting, I was sending her to where she can get a cab when she handed me something....and when I looked at it was a 1000 bill, she said "it's for mommy,buy her fruits or anything that she needs." I just can't thank her enough... it's not the money (it's 2000 pala)it's how she remembers my mom. I mean Sang is always like that, I can always say that she's really one of the angels in my life, she always arrived in a perfect timing, at times when I'm in need of a company of a friend. Yesterday I just solved some of my financial problems. I never ask her for it but she's giving it with all her heart. trully I'm bless with real good friends. Friends who remained their feet on the ground inspite of what they achieved in life....
(This was written on April 2005, just last year, it feels like a couple of years ago. I'm reviving this for Sang's Birthday, really don't know if she was able to read this before)

Uncertainties

My delayed menstruation is taking my sanity.. why? becoz it brings me back to my younger years when it was normal for me not to have my period everymonth..I remember how I got disappointed when I thought it was coming but it did not.... I have a noticeably delayed period starting February of this year, i expected it on the 5th of the month but it arrived Feb 13 or 14, then in March it didn't arrive at all. It's now April 13 and I'm still waiting anxiously for it. I wonder if all the strenous activities that I did and will do can make it flow...a crazy funny thing I entertained in my mind is now frightening me....It's impossible I know...but I can't relax until I have it....

About Pope John Paul II

Pope's death reminded me of him in my childhood days...I can't remember the exact year, when he first came to Philippines as Pope, but as far as I remember, I was not even in my teenage years then...Then I remember my father who is really a catholic at heart. He was the one who encouraged me to rejoice the Pope's visit, my father made me develop a fondness for Pope and how significant is his role in the catholic religion...then, 1995 the dear Pope visited again, This time with the Theme of "World Youth Day". For reasons that I can't recall, I didn't exert much to see him. I never really had a change of heart, I guess I was just so carefree and so rebellious that in my immature mind I said, "the Pope, he is so Holy and yet only influential and rich people can freely greet him and ask for his blessings"...I mean just like our Lord, Pope has tremendous love for everybody but I was so jealous then of the rich people. See, who was with him at the stage? former Pres. Cory Aquino and other personalities. And then I feel that in his holiness, there's this dying cure for discrimination....but of course It was not the Pope's fault...then I also realized, if everybody can come to pope at that moment, there will be chaos...it is just so hard that in order to practise descipline, it's the common people who got eliminated or controlled....but that never changed my respect for pope... I may not be actively patronizing him but he has a spot in my heart for I remember my father in him...In his death I felt sad for not thinking too much of him when he was alive...but then I am happy for it awakens a feeling in me, and that is to go back to praying...slowly....and ask for guidance and forgiveness...though I am still remote to change.....I tried to witness his burial via television...at least for the last time, I spent time for him, somehting that I should have done before....

while waiting for the time

I decided to blog while waiting for the time....it's close to 730pm, still in the office waiting.....maybe 10 minutes from now I'll leave, making this blog a history just like the rest....Wish I can be more intimate with blogs, wish someday my blog will be noticed just like the rest that I just browsed...can't they find "Life at a glance" as a striking title..?I hope not coz I want to talk about life in general...and my life too....

Some experiences are not meant to be shared

Hehehe If a particular experience or event in your life can't be shared, it could only mean one thing....it's a secret....a kind of secret that you wish you can share with your friends....but it requires proper timing...anyways it was'nt a worst secret naman,in fact in a way it provides me happiness in this sometimes mean world...yes I am happy though for some its more of a destruction than happiness...but I don't mind...it's not my problem...I have enough problems to consider and I decided to focus on them...Mommy's health, financial mismanagement, career...My secret is not a problem...just additional knowledge...puzzled?

My Blogday

2 weeks before the end of march, I realized I didn't blog that much...my blogday friday became inconsistent..I became so busy and I took it seriously....well last night, mom and I just watched TV, at channel 22 Cinemaone. Old films by Vilma Santos and Sharon Cuneta but we enjoyed watching it as much as we watched it before. what I enjoyed most is the bonding among the four of us..including dogs...I really feel at home...I forced myself to sleep at around 2:00am.

Manic Monday

Unlike the title my Monday's not so manic..I started right...I really feel fulfilled when I left the house with confidence that I was able to feed mommy and the babies right, when I know mom drunk all her medicines and finished her high protein drink...when I reached LRT station he was already there....I am always pleasant to him inspite of all his shortcomings..and I blame myself for being too soft when in comes to him...and my Monday became manic.... and it's all because of the war deep inside of me....but I chose to work seriously...and try to find an answer at the back of my mind....when will I say goodbye....I just feel so sad being with him.....but i can't say goodbye....

So far so good

Life's ok so far....I guess life's really like that... that I should expect good to worst and worst to good....I've been very busy with my job....oo nga pala..I'm working for the President, I mean we're working for the President, and considering her workloads, how can we complain....the whole nation on her shoulder, well at least we have our shares of whatever moves she made for the good of the country. Do I sound like I'm her loyalist? of course not...I'm still the same person who dislike politics. and hey she's not the first president of my life.. I mean as far as career is concerned, I started working with FVR,then ERAP and now with GMA....quite prolific past in a way...how glamorous....pero I need cash...hehe. joke lang...

For how long?

I've never known myself as someone with endless patience....until I met this person, but It took me years to realize it. I thought I was just giving him another chance....I thought I just demanded too much....I thought he loves me....I thought he didn't mean to hurt me... yeah I guess I think so much....or expect too much.....not because I've known him long enough, it would not mean he is not capable to do things that really would hurt me so much.... Now I'm hurting because all those years I've spent with him, I realized he only changes for worst.....for how long will I take a person who only listen to things he only wants to hear? For how long will I take him when he never knows what's inside of me?and when I initiate to talk about it he refused.....For how long will I make a fool of myself.? for how long will I resent his unfair treatment to me....? For how long will I hate him but too coward to show him....How come I run out of striking passages to make him realize how unfair he is... and selfish too...I don't want to reach the point of hating him to the point of almost cursing him.....for how long will I take him......I want to forget him.....but one thing is sure..someday you'll cry too because of me....

can't blog tomorrow

well it's only thursday today, and I'll do my friday blogday in advance because tomorrow is a holiday Feb 25. EDSA Revolution...but obviously i'm overtime, helping mark to fax all those memo to all gov't agencies....yeah i will have a long weekend but I'll work to death on monday....need to follow up those that I faxed, and gee I need to make an attendance, meeting is on wednesday, Mark will be on a meeting on monday,no ones going to assist me.. and my boss, she's expecting me to finish the list of updated contact numbers of all Presidential Action Officers....andami kong backlog.....this is really a prosperous new year ha...I'm not complaining....at least I'm useful....need to fix my things I'm going home na and my shuttle service is waiting..