Stroll

Out of love for my sick dog ( not obvious) I decided to give him quality time... my dog needs exercise (so do I)and contributing factor to his constipation is not having enough time to stroll and do his thing....Now I wake up early 4:00am (ideally) starting the day with Prayers with Peso beside me. Then we start strolling (must start strolling) by 5:30... I am quite lucky maybe living in a place quite close to nature, modern but the beauty of nature is maintained....

This is the path we usually pass by...sometimes I unleased Peso here and we play chaste... at the other side of the straight long path is a view of a mountain, Maybe that belongs to Rizal Province.





This is the view from the higher ground.


that's the highest part of the place. So aside from daily exercise, my dog and I also has an hour of bonding with nature... On our way back home we usually pass by this house , actually, it's just one of those beautiful houses that I admire in that place called "PONTE VERDE". The place has improved a lot....Peso was only a year old when we first strolled there, that was 2001. It was the best place to go to mend a broken heart, and I had with me my most patient companion (Peso). We stopped strolling because I thought the place became populated with dogs, and I don't want to drag my dog into dogfight.... But now amidst presence of other dogs, Peso and I, start strolling again, though my heart does not pain for someone anymore, but for the dog whose recovery is still uncertain, but then I am doing my best for him, and praying hard for him...definitely I will not stop strolling with him everyday and everynight, and I hope God will provide us more days,months,and years of quality stroll or "walk the dog" activities..... and I really thank him everyday for our time together.... so long it may continue...

Doc Said Peso might be needing surgery.....

Just read an email coming from Dra. Yao of Pendragon vet clinic. She said that the pictures I sent her gave her an impression that Peso might be needing surgery and the effects of oatmeal and castor oil I'm giving him now are just temporary and might give long time side effect. But in fairness she said she still need to see Peso, so we'll see her on March 2.

Dra. Yao will the be the 2nd veterinarian to check on Peso's condition. The first veterinarian also suggested surgery.

Last January Peso had undergone enema because of impacted stool, I gave him oatmeal and high fiber diet after that, and it went on smoothly, but almost a month later, I brought him to vet again for another enema session... His first Vet said that, without the surgery, Enema process might become part of Peso's life, which is not good because he is being sedated before enema is done.


(Picture is showing Peso during one enema session, my dog has perineal hernia)


A forum-mate that I met through dog websites referred my case to Dra. Yao, which I think can win my confidence....

So what am I feeling lately.....I cannot explain it... quite similar to the feelings I had when my mother was still alive and very sick...I am worried of so many things. I am worrying about Peso.. can this surgery make him live longer? money, for how long can I sustain the high cost of Peso's medication? And a lot more concerns after the operation....

I just thought that two years after my mom died, my life will be "worry free", that I will have rest from financial worrying.... and now aside from shortcoming from finances, I am back to the situation of bringing love ones to hospital and worry all by myself. The only difference is I am bringing a dog to a Veterinary clinic, but the feeling is the same..... feels like I want to complain.... feels like I want to panic, that just like my parents, Peso will also leave me... I guess I am so afraid of love ones getting sick and didn't recover..... hope it's different case this time....

My Peso when not constipated is still a very active dog.... my fitness partners everymorning and everynight, my good companion (no dull moments with him and my other dog too), hope the surgery will really solve the problem....

But then I still hope for the best... I am scheduled to bring Peso to Dra. Yao on March 2, not yet for surgery but for check up only to confirm his condition and if he really needs surgery... I am hoping for the best..... Jesus please heal my dog....

Peso's First Comic Strip

It's my dream to have a compilation of My Peso's comics strips, I will write the story line and get an artist to do the drawing... this is the first series... this dream once took the backseat of my priorities, because I found Video making more exciting and realistic.

But After more than a year I realized it's best to resurrect my Peso comics dream,especially now that I have joined a website wherein I can always post the comics for viewing pleasure of my "forum-mates". I wish someday, I will have a chance to improve my sketching skill, so that I will not need to hire artist anymore. I'll be very proud to be the only one behind the Legacy of my Ideal Dog.

Magical

I'm into my magical moments again.... meaning....my heart after months of silence, is about to break free again looking for something that it used to beat for.... Yes I am alive, still know how to love a man...but sadly the same man....why do we have days like these, when all of the sudden you miss the person.... then to torture yourself more, you'll browse all his former emails and recall the way you were with him.....missing him most when reading his old notes telling you how he missed, and loved you.....etc... still feeling the pain when crossed upon his email, asking for space... etc.... The last time we were together was seven months ago... the separation is much more expected that I really spent time with him until his last day in the office...no communication after that...for me it's an assumed separation.... it's painless, coz we were ok during that last day
I hope he is okey...and I don't want to think anymore if I am still
a part of his thoughts.... but I better believe he has stopped thinking of me...the way I thought I have forgotten all about him, especially when my dogs are sick...

I love him but I am always a world away during the crucial times of his life....Our love story ends as expected....and I understand very clearly now that love and priority are two different things. but then the attachment of one from another is very important, or you will end up just loving him in silence and wait for that feeling to fade completely.... in my case I am not in immediate need to forget him.... I am already at the point of loving him when I know I will never get hurt anymore.....

Begging for God's mercy

Dear God,
I know I never really talk to you regularly, but I would like to believe you are always there watching me... You know everything about me, even my darkest secrets...even what my heart desires these days.... In fact I don't really need to write this, you already knew it....but then I still want it written here, so that i won't forget.......

Both angels that you sent me is sick.....Peso has perineal hernia and Pissy has skin problem.... my financial capacity is limited so I will really need to choose painfully the most urgent one.... Peso must be first coz when not treated his regular bowel movement is affected..... but then surgery can't guarantee to heal it all... even the anesthetics for that surgery will be too risky for my 7 year old Peso, living me with no choice, then there is one Dra.Yao Whom I hope will give light to this problem....God can you please heal my dog. Well at least may that doctor be the one to cure him without surgery? I really beg you to at least give my dog more years with me, I am just about to begin my new life since my mother died, can you give me more time to heal first before you get your angel back away from me?

Also Lord, can you grant your other angel Pissy more strength, coz Peso's sickness and expenses stop me from bringing her to veterinarian too. She is a poor girl, always the last priority but I really love her too.... Lord Can you give other test for my strength setting aside my angels?.. can you just let them be with me while I am still recuperating from my losses in the past.....can I gather more strength first before you get them back? Promise I won't wish for more... just few more years of my Angels life?

Sorry if I sound like I have no faith..... I really trust you Lord....and thy will be done....but I hope you understand me too....I thank you for everything, especially for bringing me these two angels during the most crucial part of my life...I neglected them somehow when my mom was alive and very sick, and yet they gave me joy and strength.. I am just beginning to repay them... I believe you sent them to me to realize life, that I am not totally alone, that thru them I have someone Like YOU.....

Please LORD, I don't want to promise anything...but then I will try to be a better person...

Begging for your mercy

Maricel

Talking about dogs

Dogs Dogs Dogs.... I know not everybody that co-exists with me understands what I really enjoy....I am happy living my life with my dogs.....I can't even notice that I was alone for quite a long time now.... I am becoming systematic because of them... When Peso became constantly constipated, and developed perinial hernia afterwards, I decided to do the right thing so that Peso can always make popo without fear and pressure, anywhere or everywhere he likes..... I made it a commitment to pick up the popo where ever we are with or without someone watching us.... so when ever my dog and I go out to stroll I always bring papers with me. Because Peso needs daily exercize I decided to wake up early and set 530-630 am as our stroll or "walk the dog" schedule, this new activity is good not only for Peso but also for me.... I have a daily exercise and I will not need to worry about getting late for work. I set my alarm clocks at 4 am but I really get up at 5am, I pray the rosary with Peso beside me and then we dress up for our morning stroll. when I arrived home, I made it a point to bring out the dog to stroll as early as I can, then I will prepare dinner and then prepare to sleep so that we can wake up early again the following day.... I am enjoying this minor changes in my life...and I guess my dogs love it when I give them quality time....really my dogs are my angels in disguise....

I miss talking about love......

I learned to love maturely... meaning, loving the same person in silence...no more bitterness just shrugging of shoulders as if telling myself "that's life". What ever it is the caused me pains before, they are all part of the love that I know I will never regret.... It just that....I can't see myself falling in love with another person.... not yet....though I am not hoping anymore... I guess loving someone intensely makes me feel fulfilled, and whether or not new love comes along, I guess I am okey....now my dogs have my undivided affection (they used to have only 70% of it hahaha...). Learning to set aside resentments and loving my dogs more than I have loved the person( but still no male can equal what I felt for him). I've been busy taking care of my dogs, buy them clothes, panic when they are sick, having my two doggies are really like home..... And if God will allow, and give me a good source of living, I will just choose to stay home taking care of them.... I just can't feel it in my heart to long for a new love coz when I think of love I always ended up thinking of the same man.... why not, he is still the closest man in my life...Next to God he is the only one who knows me inside and out. I am not closing my door to friendship, it may not be possible now but I know someday we can become friends again without complications.... I've been busy picking up the pieces of my life.... working on the backlogs and spill overs of the previous years..... but I am only human.... and that being constantly reminds me that I have never talked about love for a long time.....after 10 crazy years loving only one man....but then I am thankful I never longed for love desperately, I never look for a lover desperately.....I guess single life is okey....I just can't force myself to like someone just for the sake of having a someone in my life... I guess I am happy this way.... at this point of my life, the only man that can get my attention is a Veterinarian.... I just can't talk about love... not at this time that I know who is still holding my heart....

My new life

It seems that pains that used to affect my life has finally lost its magic.... life is becoming good, and the changes is making me nervous....I set aside matters of the heart because my dogs are taking the most of my time..... My very dear Peso developed a perinial hernia because of his severe constipation.... His vet suggested operation but I can't just agree to it for some considerations..... my dog is 7 years old, and the vet can't guarantee how he will react to anesthetics, I will spend and yet no one can assure me if my dog will be okey after the surgery.... I was depressed for one week, asking my God if I really dont have a choice, I asked other vet and they told me to consider the conventional method... meaning watch Peso's diet so that he can maintain a soft popo... My dog is happy dog, he is eating oatmeal with other combinations, I add Virgin coconut oil too. Peso's bowel movement became regular and without much effort... thanks to fiber....but then just last week I was force to bring him to vet because he was constipated again, and enema was done to him for the 2nd time..... I am talking a another vet now, she said she wanted to see my dog first....

I hope Peso will get better without surgery, I am not ready to a life without my dog, he was my constant companion (Pissy) during my struggles in life....He and Pissy were the best companions during the first weeks when mommy died.... I just love my dogs so much.....

Welcome back

It's 2008 now, I guess I haven't blog here for years..... I read all my previous blogs especially those in 2005. It brought back memories when I had so much pain and hatred, but it made me smile because, some changes have occured in my life.... Fears and and questions now have answers.... There are greater improvement and maturity in some areas but I know there are still more challenges ahead.......

This is just a beginning... I will start blogging again.. writing about my life at present....and definitely my dogs pictures will always be a part of it

PASSION

CONSTRAINTS

It was surprisingly happy, a christmas that I expected to soaked me into a lonelier situation, is apparently happier than I've expected. It was simple but meaningful...making me realized how important it is to be with loves ones especially this holiday season... but there are constraints beyond my control.. like not being able to get in touch with other relatives like my auntie's and cousins at my father's side, financial limitations led me to just stay at auntie's house for the whole day... not that I'm running away from my yearly obligation to my god children, it's just that aside from what I can afford to give, I can feel I don't have the energy to go out and greet everybody....I wonder if I just focused so much on the void that I feel, that I can't have the luxury of time and energy to reach out. Or am I really beginning to enjoy my solitude.... 2005 is really a life of too much constraints, pains, and all things that still makes me feel tired....I want to be myself..... I want to be free..... I just hope love ones can understand my situation in case I really can't get in touched. I'm so tired.....My financial status is still a problem, I guess I need to hold on to what I have now coz next year can be a harder year....and I'm all alone....not visiting them would not mean I care less, I just need to consider myself first above all....This is the time when I know I can't sacrifice. It's about time to consider what I know can make me happy.....inspite of constraints....

Solitude

Again I chose my solitude....this is the kind of mood that I seldom feel when even if I want to I can't seem to bring back the jovial mood that I usually have... anyway I decided not to join the group,even at some point in my heart I know I should join them, but hearing what they're talking about, maybe it's better that I should just stay here in my lonely corner....

I'm trying to recall my dream last night or this early dawn, I can't remember it but I know I woke up because I was at the point of crying again.... I can't tell of the reasons, it can be any of those major setbacks in my life.... My parents who left me for a better world, and a special someone who just turned his back on me. Major events in my life that I tried not to affect me....but those sad dreams can be a reflection of what really pains me in my subconcious mind.... but happiness that I expressed prior to my present mood now, were never pretensions... I really just don't feel good.... it can be a holiday fright, because whether I admit it or not, I will be celebrating the loneliest christmas of my life.... too many losses.....parents and even the lost of insignificant other.

All of those I tried to ignore because I believe there are so many things that I should do first... This is my busiest christmas season. I am always in hurry, sleeping to sampaloc then return to Marikina, always rushing to buy something for christmas parties and family reunion, I was even assigned to collect raffle prizes from one office to another. During this season also, I allowed myself to get overwhelmed by material things...by the gifts I recieved which completed majority of my wishlists....

Maybe everything was set for me in 2005.... on my first christmas without mommy I have my closest relatives with me who demand my presence during all the holiday celebrations....

At this moment if you would want to know what I really want to do... I want to go home to Marikina, coz I'm missing my doggies already....especially my Peso....

Blocking

Anything with a hole, should be blocked. But depending on its purpose in your life, blocking may not be really that necessary. This hole in my life is about the void that I sometimes feel. I know my life is happier now..... realizing I can go on after he turned his back on me. That surprisingly, I was not as hurt and bitter as before.... I feel pain yes but it did not dominantly rule my life now... suddenly other things matter the most.... I am happy with the development in my job, I'm happy with my friends and relatives, and I now remember laughing hard again coz I can't remember the last great laugh that I had.....but sometimes in my happiness, there's this one corner that pinched my fancy, enough for me to remember him, how I used to consider him first above all things.... I always ask myself if I will be happier if we're still together, or will I still ache to his overwhelming rollercoaster affection....then I will miss him....when I miss him recollection follows, how we were before, how his love brought clouds all around me. But to stop the missing him symdrome, I honestly tell myself that we no longer feel the same anymore.... that I'm the only one missing him, and it's next to impossible for him to miss me....that he never really loved me, that he is just good in pretending. Those things help me not to indulge in loneliness of not having someone. Maybe when a relationship is meant to end, even in the presence of love in your heart, you will let go, no pulling of sleeve, no need to ask why, no need to talk about it.... I never really believe in formal break up.... but I know it's over...no matter how fool you were just to please him, if it's over it's over. It's becoming my habit to block anything that will lead me to miss him.... it's about time to protect myself from pain... I know I have suffered a lot, now I deserve to be happy. I don't really wish for another hero to uplift my once breaking ego.... I don't believe I will need one in order to forget one.... I know I will be happier, even without men in my life.... and that independence will be my asset to attract the right person, if God permits.

Changing the Meaning of Christmas

Now I understand, with the present economic situation in the Philippines, some part of our lives will experience some great effects, including the way we see Christmas... I don't intend to take some things seriously, but this is just a comment, my own opinion base on what I observed since childhood days, and my own interpretation of the judgements of others, just like looking at things in a different light... Christmas is always the happiest times of the year, and the Christmas decorations add glitters to the festive moods... here in the Philippines, the Parol or Lantern is the main decorations followed by Christmas lights..... this parol is normally hang on the window, outside the house, some to the highest part of the house etc... actually not only the "parol", all christmas decors are normally place on obvious locations, even christmas socks for santa, the christmas lights on the wall, the misletoe, and everything....the star which is the normal shape of a parol, does not only mean a "star", it is a symbol....on the day of Jesus' Birth, the three kings were guided by a Star... that is why the, the Parol is hang or place in the highest part of the house, coz it's a symbol of guidance, a symbol of Christmas.....I have never seen a parol placed on the floor, if that guiding star was on the floor on that first christmas eve, can it guide the Three kings to the Manger? so why am I writing this, my reason can be superficial, but this is just my opinion, and I'm free not to agree on judgement coz by initial excitement....Yes it is exciting enough to see a human parol, they're unique and creative but if they are on the floor, they are less impressive.. How can they symbolized christmas if they are on the floor, A parol is meant to be seen, coz of its obvious locations. So how can a christmas decor win when no one can't seem to see it, unless curiouse people will go to them intendedly.... unless originality is the key to the contest plus the effort of the participant to lie on the floor, maybe they really deserve to win... but if I will base it on reality, I guess they forgot to consider the real purpose of the parol, and how they are being displayed traditionally, I don't think they are really above others. Unless I'll base it to our economy which is always down, maybe that's the way the christmas decors will be in the future.... on the floor where nobody can see, only those who can afford christmas can see it....

So in case we use mistletoe here in the Philippines, this is what we're going to say "hey you're above the mistletoe, you must kiss" or tell our children, "Santa will give your gifts bring out your socks and put it on the floor", and lastly "hey, nice lantern, it fits your floor, where did you buy it?"

Again, opinion lang po, walang personalan

The Dead End

Being in love can never indicate one's happiness... there's this one corner of my life that brings out various pains in me but I don't seem to realize it. Now the tyranny of that corner is beginning to fill the air again, and I'm having a hard time to breath... it's so heavy.....it's sad really....that after devoting years of loving a person, after neglecting my values, I will only realize that the one I love can't even love me back...of course I don't really ask for 100% return,what I only wanted is a simple affection that I used to feel.... I know deep inside I am not happy anymore...but it does not mean I have run out of love....and that's the saddest part, no longer happy in relationship but still so much in love with the person...so I can't let go... and though right now I admit I am just waiting for him to damp me, I'm beginning to prepare myself for it.... I can only move on when he tells me in my face that "it's the end", I can only move on when he tells me....It can never start from me.....coz I'm not so sure if I can stand firm for it.... but then maybe we don't really need to talk about it.... It's obvious... I can feel it... only the one who never loves can hurt somebody consciously.. He knows I will get hurt but he never ceased to do things that can hurt me... and it's becoming so unfair coz I am not allowed to talk it over to him...he'll simply damp me.... now I decided, I will just try to stay away from him..if he didn't call I won't ask anymore....I will never get in touch...I'll bear the longing as I bear all the pain he gave me...I will just disappear in his life...instantly...no more talks....no more notes...it's simply the dead end....a lesson learned, "I will appreciate all people who express their care and love for me, that I will always tell them and remind them that they are very dear and important to me no matter how seldom we get in touch"... coz now I know how it felt to care for someone, and that someone simply doesn't care if you care...does not care how you feel...does not care what you did for him....I know friends will ask me why it took me so much time to realize all these...my reason is simple, when a person made you fell in love, you'll never realized his bad side, but when the time comes you discovered it, you already learned to reserve allowances, like he's not perfect and everybody has its own imperfection...but then love is a two way traffic...love is give and take......love is making you feel love, love is accepting everything about you, including your pets...love is trying to reach your place no matter how the neighbors look at you...love is thinking not only of yourself but also of others...love is waiting and believing....love is trying to make your love ones happy, love is not having tantrums when you don't get want you want....love is not for sale, you don't spend just to have it, the same way that you give it and not sell it.....all of these I don't see or feel anymore.......if you don't know me enough....you might think that I am probably in love with the best person in the world, coz it looks like I have exchanged everything for him..... the truth is, it's the other way around....I may not be the best woman in the world but I know he was the one luckier when I chose him above others...I guess my love for him made him think he's worthy of everything..... I know soon he'll regret this.....but dead end?

Latest about My Peso

Peso never fails to make me laugh and surprises me by his witty gestures. Just last night he imitated me. I was rushing to watch my favorite "Engkantadia", and to make myself more comfortable, I went to my bedroom to get a pillow, Peso followed me, as if he is rushing too... so I went out of my bedroom bringing my pillow, and when I looked at Peso he was walking right behind me bringing his favorite stuff toy, ratty. For those who do not know, Ratty is Peso's favorite toy...It was mommy's gift to him 2 christmases ago. Peso also assumed that my bedroom is also his bedroom, so Ratty is always in my bed because Peso never sleeps without Ratty by his side. So finally Peso is in his playful mood again....he was restless for the past two weeks amd I'm glad it's over...

Red ink pen

RED INK PEN, normally used for the purpose of correcting one's mistake,for checking one's advantage...It is Red because, it can stand out, and the one involves can easily realized his mistakes and how he did it...It's a good thing that I have a blog that can absorb all my complains no matter how irrational it can be....if I told the person directly everything that I said in my MAZE Episode, we are probably not in speaking terms these days....Not all that my mind told me is true, it was my heart dictating my brain..you know when the heart thought it's in its way of getting broken, it pours out unreasonable thoughts...foolishly hurting itself by thinking how the others neglect them just like that...but it was proven untrue...and I ended up laughing at myself...so this blog is a Red Ink Pen, Intendedly written to correct some words that I've written in "MAZE"....Life is not really that bad.....that I am not as neglected as I thought I was..that I was missed and eventually important, on what level I really don't need to know....but the point is, some thing must be corrected so hope this one serves...

MAZE

job, call of duty, what a good excuse to leave me slowly.....and do you think I have rest while you're gone? some have a notion that you volunteered to be assigned there coz it;s more practical....you spend less fare, free lunch, merienda and dinner....and I was told even pressure is lesser there....plenty of things to do but with much less pressure....all those conveniences in exchange of my presence in your life... and you can't even call me....a friend told me how uncomfortable it is to use two telephones for personal reasons, and besides it's too crowded there, and so many bosses too....so at least you have another reasons not to get in touch.... what a good excuse to avoid me....of course you can text me in your own free will.... but you never text me....life is hard, 1 peso is too expensive to inform someone of your present activities, is it really too expensive you can't even tell me that you miss me too...or at least give me a hint that you are also in the dilemma of not having me around??or just plain tell me the truth? or really those conveniences are everything for you.... again you are making me feel like the least important person in your life.... what is this? is this another hint of letting go?what are we afraid of? why am I so afraid of not having you around when most of the time I doubt your love for me.... will I again convince myself of this foolishness that "at least I love you, you don't have much time so I will always make time for you." (sigh) Funny you don't seem to realize things that I do for you.... so what am I doing here loving you.....damn it.. you don't even need my love... why do you always return to me after a break up...why can't you decide with all your strength? again I am thinking of forgetting you... to be away from you permanently... why am I loving you when you don;t love me enough.... why can't you get in touch when you know you have me....don't you want me anymore? or you want to get the best of both worlds, pleasing the other, while still having me and yet making me wait until the situation gets cold...so while you're there happy and comfortable, I am here sad and alone with no idea of your intentions....and you are there in full confidence that I will always accept you, no matter how often you hurt me....you did it before....why not now....again, where am I? MAZE? with directions from left to right to front to back where am I going? It's fun inside this Maze, but the fascination in it is superficial,it gives you a sudden high, but will pull you down in a wink of an eye, it wears off easily, just like anything that melts under the sun... Have I lost my sanity that I can't find my way out....or is it me really, putting myself into this trap?

adjusting.....

Just learned a lesson.... well I knew this but I didn't apply it to my life....anyway, I have learned the importance of flexibility in this ever changing life....that comfort zone should not be treated seriously.....coz once you became so attached to it, your initial reaction to change is another form of exaggerations...and you can never believe how unreasonable you are....I am so unreasonable coz I can't stop my annoyance to changes that just affected my life.....I cannot believe it....Gosh for three months....or more.....with limited communications....Ok Ok there's nothing I can do about it..it's the job that matters here.... now I'm beginning to teach myself how to live alone again....I mean it's just a temporary thing in our lives, but I guess practice is necessary. I really feel so uncomfortable with the situation that if I don't control myself, I will make another drastic move that can mean a disaster to me... there are so many things that I should do.....i'll bear the pain....the void.....I will be used to it I know.... but for the mean time....I wish I can express what I feel.....(sigh).....wish I can communicate through my productive mind......and may the one whom I wish to communicate with me feels the same intensity......time to apply the lesson...I have never learned......refuse to learn? whatever...."Miss you Peso peso wish you're here beside Ate..."

Slow dance

A day before my birthday, I was given a hint that I can never expect a happier birthday... Sad as usual. I really feel so sad...hopeless....making me feel like my life is a slow dance....dancing to the tune of equally slow and eerie music, no one knows when will it stop....I can feel life as a long dark tunnel of sadness...and I am so alone in the dark....love ones left....some dreams gone...there's this one who provided light when everything seems so dull and dark...time has changed, situations followed, I just woke up the following day realizing that the only one whom I thought provided me light,can't even flicker for me....he is there and I am left with mixed emotions...in total darkness.... it pains me...slowly....like a slow dance...I'm not even sure what can calm me down....it hurts missing everybody when there's nothing you can do but to just think of them....and memories prolong pain, agony...life is really a slow dance for me...too slow it bores me....poor Peso, poor Pissy....they didn't know what Ate's pain, coz' when she's with them all she does is shower them with love and care...what will happen to them if Ate will give in to this slow dance....I don;t want them to feel what I'm feeling...don't want them to join me in my slowdance....