Changing the Meaning of Christmas

Now I understand, with the present economic situation in the Philippines, some part of our lives will experience some great effects, including the way we see Christmas... I don't intend to take some things seriously, but this is just a comment, my own opinion base on what I observed since childhood days, and my own interpretation of the judgements of others, just like looking at things in a different light... Christmas is always the happiest times of the year, and the Christmas decorations add glitters to the festive moods... here in the Philippines, the Parol or Lantern is the main decorations followed by Christmas lights..... this parol is normally hang on the window, outside the house, some to the highest part of the house etc... actually not only the "parol", all christmas decors are normally place on obvious locations, even christmas socks for santa, the christmas lights on the wall, the misletoe, and everything....the star which is the normal shape of a parol, does not only mean a "star", it is a symbol....on the day of Jesus' Birth, the three kings were guided by a Star... that is why the, the Parol is hang or place in the highest part of the house, coz it's a symbol of guidance, a symbol of Christmas.....I have never seen a parol placed on the floor, if that guiding star was on the floor on that first christmas eve, can it guide the Three kings to the Manger? so why am I writing this, my reason can be superficial, but this is just my opinion, and I'm free not to agree on judgement coz by initial excitement....Yes it is exciting enough to see a human parol, they're unique and creative but if they are on the floor, they are less impressive.. How can they symbolized christmas if they are on the floor, A parol is meant to be seen, coz of its obvious locations. So how can a christmas decor win when no one can't seem to see it, unless curiouse people will go to them intendedly.... unless originality is the key to the contest plus the effort of the participant to lie on the floor, maybe they really deserve to win... but if I will base it on reality, I guess they forgot to consider the real purpose of the parol, and how they are being displayed traditionally, I don't think they are really above others. Unless I'll base it to our economy which is always down, maybe that's the way the christmas decors will be in the future.... on the floor where nobody can see, only those who can afford christmas can see it....

So in case we use mistletoe here in the Philippines, this is what we're going to say "hey you're above the mistletoe, you must kiss" or tell our children, "Santa will give your gifts bring out your socks and put it on the floor", and lastly "hey, nice lantern, it fits your floor, where did you buy it?"

Again, opinion lang po, walang personalan

The Dead End

Being in love can never indicate one's happiness... there's this one corner of my life that brings out various pains in me but I don't seem to realize it. Now the tyranny of that corner is beginning to fill the air again, and I'm having a hard time to breath... it's so heavy.....it's sad really....that after devoting years of loving a person, after neglecting my values, I will only realize that the one I love can't even love me back...of course I don't really ask for 100% return,what I only wanted is a simple affection that I used to feel.... I know deep inside I am not happy anymore...but it does not mean I have run out of love....and that's the saddest part, no longer happy in relationship but still so much in love with the person...so I can't let go... and though right now I admit I am just waiting for him to damp me, I'm beginning to prepare myself for it.... I can only move on when he tells me in my face that "it's the end", I can only move on when he tells me....It can never start from me.....coz I'm not so sure if I can stand firm for it.... but then maybe we don't really need to talk about it.... It's obvious... I can feel it... only the one who never loves can hurt somebody consciously.. He knows I will get hurt but he never ceased to do things that can hurt me... and it's becoming so unfair coz I am not allowed to talk it over to him...he'll simply damp me.... now I decided, I will just try to stay away from him..if he didn't call I won't ask anymore....I will never get in touch...I'll bear the longing as I bear all the pain he gave me...I will just disappear in his life...instantly...no more talks....no more notes...it's simply the dead end....a lesson learned, "I will appreciate all people who express their care and love for me, that I will always tell them and remind them that they are very dear and important to me no matter how seldom we get in touch"... coz now I know how it felt to care for someone, and that someone simply doesn't care if you care...does not care how you feel...does not care what you did for him....I know friends will ask me why it took me so much time to realize all these...my reason is simple, when a person made you fell in love, you'll never realized his bad side, but when the time comes you discovered it, you already learned to reserve allowances, like he's not perfect and everybody has its own imperfection...but then love is a two way traffic...love is give and take......love is making you feel love, love is accepting everything about you, including your pets...love is trying to reach your place no matter how the neighbors look at you...love is thinking not only of yourself but also of others...love is waiting and believing....love is trying to make your love ones happy, love is not having tantrums when you don't get want you want....love is not for sale, you don't spend just to have it, the same way that you give it and not sell it.....all of these I don't see or feel anymore.......if you don't know me enough....you might think that I am probably in love with the best person in the world, coz it looks like I have exchanged everything for him..... the truth is, it's the other way around....I may not be the best woman in the world but I know he was the one luckier when I chose him above others...I guess my love for him made him think he's worthy of everything..... I know soon he'll regret this.....but dead end?

Latest about My Peso

Peso never fails to make me laugh and surprises me by his witty gestures. Just last night he imitated me. I was rushing to watch my favorite "Engkantadia", and to make myself more comfortable, I went to my bedroom to get a pillow, Peso followed me, as if he is rushing too... so I went out of my bedroom bringing my pillow, and when I looked at Peso he was walking right behind me bringing his favorite stuff toy, ratty. For those who do not know, Ratty is Peso's favorite toy...It was mommy's gift to him 2 christmases ago. Peso also assumed that my bedroom is also his bedroom, so Ratty is always in my bed because Peso never sleeps without Ratty by his side. So finally Peso is in his playful mood again....he was restless for the past two weeks amd I'm glad it's over...

Red ink pen

RED INK PEN, normally used for the purpose of correcting one's mistake,for checking one's advantage...It is Red because, it can stand out, and the one involves can easily realized his mistakes and how he did it...It's a good thing that I have a blog that can absorb all my complains no matter how irrational it can be....if I told the person directly everything that I said in my MAZE Episode, we are probably not in speaking terms these days....Not all that my mind told me is true, it was my heart dictating my brain..you know when the heart thought it's in its way of getting broken, it pours out unreasonable thoughts...foolishly hurting itself by thinking how the others neglect them just like that...but it was proven untrue...and I ended up laughing at myself...so this blog is a Red Ink Pen, Intendedly written to correct some words that I've written in "MAZE"....Life is not really that bad.....that I am not as neglected as I thought I was..that I was missed and eventually important, on what level I really don't need to know....but the point is, some thing must be corrected so hope this one serves...

MAZE

job, call of duty, what a good excuse to leave me slowly.....and do you think I have rest while you're gone? some have a notion that you volunteered to be assigned there coz it;s more practical....you spend less fare, free lunch, merienda and dinner....and I was told even pressure is lesser there....plenty of things to do but with much less pressure....all those conveniences in exchange of my presence in your life... and you can't even call me....a friend told me how uncomfortable it is to use two telephones for personal reasons, and besides it's too crowded there, and so many bosses too....so at least you have another reasons not to get in touch.... what a good excuse to avoid me....of course you can text me in your own free will.... but you never text me....life is hard, 1 peso is too expensive to inform someone of your present activities, is it really too expensive you can't even tell me that you miss me too...or at least give me a hint that you are also in the dilemma of not having me around??or just plain tell me the truth? or really those conveniences are everything for you.... again you are making me feel like the least important person in your life.... what is this? is this another hint of letting go?what are we afraid of? why am I so afraid of not having you around when most of the time I doubt your love for me.... will I again convince myself of this foolishness that "at least I love you, you don't have much time so I will always make time for you." (sigh) Funny you don't seem to realize things that I do for you.... so what am I doing here loving you.....damn it.. you don't even need my love... why do you always return to me after a break up...why can't you decide with all your strength? again I am thinking of forgetting you... to be away from you permanently... why am I loving you when you don;t love me enough.... why can't you get in touch when you know you have me....don't you want me anymore? or you want to get the best of both worlds, pleasing the other, while still having me and yet making me wait until the situation gets cold...so while you're there happy and comfortable, I am here sad and alone with no idea of your intentions....and you are there in full confidence that I will always accept you, no matter how often you hurt me....you did it before....why not now....again, where am I? MAZE? with directions from left to right to front to back where am I going? It's fun inside this Maze, but the fascination in it is superficial,it gives you a sudden high, but will pull you down in a wink of an eye, it wears off easily, just like anything that melts under the sun... Have I lost my sanity that I can't find my way out....or is it me really, putting myself into this trap?

adjusting.....

Just learned a lesson.... well I knew this but I didn't apply it to my life....anyway, I have learned the importance of flexibility in this ever changing life....that comfort zone should not be treated seriously.....coz once you became so attached to it, your initial reaction to change is another form of exaggerations...and you can never believe how unreasonable you are....I am so unreasonable coz I can't stop my annoyance to changes that just affected my life.....I cannot believe it....Gosh for three months....or more.....with limited communications....Ok Ok there's nothing I can do about it..it's the job that matters here.... now I'm beginning to teach myself how to live alone again....I mean it's just a temporary thing in our lives, but I guess practice is necessary. I really feel so uncomfortable with the situation that if I don't control myself, I will make another drastic move that can mean a disaster to me... there are so many things that I should do.....i'll bear the pain....the void.....I will be used to it I know.... but for the mean time....I wish I can express what I feel.....(sigh).....wish I can communicate through my productive mind......and may the one whom I wish to communicate with me feels the same intensity......time to apply the lesson...I have never learned......refuse to learn? whatever...."Miss you Peso peso wish you're here beside Ate..."

Slow dance

A day before my birthday, I was given a hint that I can never expect a happier birthday... Sad as usual. I really feel so sad...hopeless....making me feel like my life is a slow dance....dancing to the tune of equally slow and eerie music, no one knows when will it stop....I can feel life as a long dark tunnel of sadness...and I am so alone in the dark....love ones left....some dreams gone...there's this one who provided light when everything seems so dull and dark...time has changed, situations followed, I just woke up the following day realizing that the only one whom I thought provided me light,can't even flicker for me....he is there and I am left with mixed emotions...in total darkness.... it pains me...slowly....like a slow dance...I'm not even sure what can calm me down....it hurts missing everybody when there's nothing you can do but to just think of them....and memories prolong pain, agony...life is really a slow dance for me...too slow it bores me....poor Peso, poor Pissy....they didn't know what Ate's pain, coz' when she's with them all she does is shower them with love and care...what will happen to them if Ate will give in to this slow dance....I don;t want them to feel what I'm feeling...don't want them to join me in my slowdance....

My Peso Story

My Adorable Dog

I called him Peso....the love of my life...he's a God's gift to me...a stuff toy brought to life.....my guardian angel in disguise....a younger brother that I never had... I'm proud to tell the world, I have a dog like him... when he sleeps he is like a baby.....he loves to lie down on a soft cushioned bed, couch and plenty of pillows...he preferred the electric fan on....

I always love to spoil him....

and when he eats...he knows his place in the dining table...and you will know if he likes what you're cooking...even if you don't call him, you'll see him on the dining table sitting on his favorite chair...waiting to be served....well years of talking to him made me believe he understands everything that I told him...2 christmases ago, mommy gave him a gift, a small ratty stuff toy...so I named it ratty..

Ratty is his favorite toy....he normally brings it out from our bedroom when he likes my visitors....sometimes..he just love showing it to children of our guests, but never let them touch it..... but before ratty came to his life...Peso loves to play ball.... I even call him my MVP... his ninang betchay gave him a ball on his first christmas....Peso used to love balls that he thought all the balls that landed in our garden is his...he even went to one basketball court in our subdivision...thinking that the group of young men were playing with his ball....I believe as a basketball player....Peso is a good defensive player..


he really knows how to protect his ball....

When not playing...peso takes care of ate's other dog... Pissy...Peso-peso is really a very good dog who hates to take a bath....but still ate loves him very much


well...that's my peso.. (My better version of this is more colorful; supported by pictures that help narrates the story)

I was Born in the year of the Rooster

Yes I was born in the year of the rooster...this is supposed to be my year....12 years ago, 1993 It was the happiest year of my life...until now I can't remember a year that surpassed it's happiness. This year 2005, is my year.....it is also the worst year so far....twelve years ago I look forward to this year, thinking that something good will happen again...but I was wrong......this is the worst year of my life, and I hope nothing worst will happen to me in the coming years....aside from my financial problems, I lost my mother....and until now I really don't know how to cure myself. I still cry when I remember her....then I decided to lost something, maybe it's bad but it was my choice....one of my support system ended, again it's another blow to my ever dying financial stand....so i was forced to apply for a GSIS salary loan. It was more than a disaster... it was a huge loan and yet I got less than what I've expected....too many deductions some were caused by their (inefficient records ..now tell me who's to be blamed)imagine charging emergency loan balance which I have paid in full last year...they deducted some of my loans with over over interest...and yet they are too slow in refunding what they charged me...what a nice Bday gift....then the promotion..of course I did not make it.. what's new......then there's this problem with sweetheart...though were ok now... well I don't know what's next.....3 months to go to end my year of the rooster...funny....hope I'll have a better year next year.... better year, meaning I'll be leaving PMS, I'll be having higher income and most of all i'll be having a baby??I hope I can afford it all next year...

CALM DOWN

Now I know what I should do, whenever I feel I can kill somebody because of too much hatred, grudge,,fury...I'll just look at my two loveable doggies, and let me remind myself that I am more of a loving person, that just like my dogs "I don't bite unless I am threatened". I hate my neighborhood...I hate most of the tricycle drivers there...I guess because of hardship in life they became mean to some whom they think is a big threat to their source of living....OK I should understand them...you know, hard life, lack of education, no enough values acquired....but then I don't believe hardship or lack of education can be an excuse for being impolite to others...in fact even those with complete college education sometimes acts as if they've never been to school eversince..I'm one those... and I recognized that mistake in my part...why should I stoop down to their level? OK they are so proud... you're at their mercy....there's no other way to reach the subdivision but just the "tricycle"...I am not rich enough to take a cab everyday. Boy they just ruin my day.... how can they be so proud...is that a kind of depense mechanism....? I hate them all, some of them I have cursed before...so at the height of fury, it's then I realized the need for prayers...Forgive me Lord for the kind of hatred I have for those people...give me strenth....help me calm down....don't allow blood to flow in my hands...please guide those people...please enlighten them....hope one day they'll wake up knowing the importance of respect for fellowmen...."" I really love my dogs....They're the positive aura in my life..

I envy Peso when I watch him asleep

(This is just a revival..I published this December of last year...Just saw the picture and realized that it fits one of my blogs...honestly that's not where peso really sleeps. it was just one of his afternoon naps. Things have changed...mom died last may...so some of the things here were not updated anymore,I changed one word in the title)

It's a routinary scene everynight...when I prepared my bedroom for I sleep. I sprayed insect killer and Air freshener, turned off the light to open the lampshade, then turn on the electric fan...But I'm not going to sleep yet...it's peso who's ready to fall asleep, and he knows exactly when it's time to enter the bedroom. He knows his place in the bed and he assumed that the extra pillow is his....he has several positions when he is in deep sleep, the cutest are when he is lying flatly on the bed and when he leaned his head on the pillow, I enjoyed watching him not only because of his adorable cuteness, but also because of the peace that I see in him. I guess he never really had the so called troubled sleep... a kind of sleep common to emotionally disturb people. He is a picture of confidence to a brighter tomorrow, that I will always be around to feed him, bath him(no matter how he hates it), to take care of him and to love him as if he is my baby..... I can't remember the last time I slept that way....I guess it was more than a decade ago. When my father was still alive and my mother was still as dependable as ever...I guess when you accept your responsibilities and roles in life, you'll have fewer sleep. When i worry with my mom's health, I have little sleep...When I remember my other debts, I can't really sleep...But at least I'm thankful I still have my mom around, I'm thankful of my two loveable doggies, and most of all I'm thankful I was able to finish one episode of my life when I thought loneliness could kill me....at least my sleepless nights are not all worthless....coz I dedicated it to those who deserve my unconditional love...

I hate......I hate ...I hate...!!!!!

Peso is not happy there..he is mad and annoyed....what I'm feeling now is similar to that.. or even worse....yesterday was a holiday and I was not happy for that....holidays are for the rich...not for me...I'm expecting my salary on monday and the Government declared the holiday late....my situation then was close to pathetic and I hate the world for it....I have no more budget for monday....I almost beg coz I need to feed my dogs and myself as well....I have so much hatred deep within me...I hate the tricycle drivers at our neighborhood, I hate one neighbor, I hate those who never understood what it felt like to have nothing to spend for simple basic needs....I hate those who don't consider my comments...I hate to celebrate somebody else's departure... I hate to join them in party.. I hate people who excanged their principles for money.!!I hate being told that I should befriend May Manauis coz someday I'm going to need her...damn you all!!!!

"why dog's picture in my blog post?"

He is no ordinary dog...he's the dog of my life....my adorable dog...a younger brother that I never had, my guardian angel in disguise..... I called him "PESO"....a name no one can forget...

From now on Peso will be a part of my blog, as he portrays a big role in my life....so why him?he is the positive aspect of my life. He represents the loving part of me....He is like a friendly soul sent to me by God, so that I can always stand up after all the sorrows I've encountered in my life...Peso made me recover faster when mommy died....he sees me when I cried, he's the very first man ever to see me naked(hahaha), he always follow me wherever I go....and he never sleeps without me....so we are really inseparable unless I'm in the office.... Now that I'm all alone, I depend a lot to Peso....Passing all the responsibilities to him when I'm not home....I guess of all the dogs I had, PESO will be one to stay with me even after this lifetime...

Why I blog.....

I blog for one and only reason...And that is to "write"...blogging allowed me to express my writing itches....my sentiments....my unexposed world....my guardian angels that bark...my inspirations...my love....blogging enhances the creativity hidden at the depth of my innermost persona. Now is the proper time...let's one prolific mind be cultivated....

Wait a minute....

< Well I'm not done with my dogs episode yet...I mean..Peso is not my only dog....I have a 1 year old girl and I called her "Pissy", short for Piseta, which means another Philippine Currency or Peso counterpart...She is not as smart as Peso but she has her own talent....well she can stand up and balance for a longer seconds or minutes...she does not understand everything that I told her but her playful attitude and sweetness made me very very fond of her..just take a look...she looks wild but she's really sweet and polite..

Relationship in a higher level

I've been in a relationship for years now...and it's only just now that I realized how deeply I got involved in it....I am in a way happy..but I have fears....now that I completely committed myself to it, now I realized all the possibilities....now I am beginning to feel so depensive of my being...that my parents' raised me well, that whatever choices I made in my life it's my own personal decision and I'm the only one to be blamed...That I am once a good girl and this choice that I made is the only blemish in my being....now I'm one of those that I used to observe...now I'm one of those who decided to live with a wrong decision in exchange of pleasures that only heart can recognize....but i don't regret what I did...I am just beginning to accept the new me.....the me that my love ones never knew exists....I guess it's really saying goodbye to the old me..including my values.....but I swear not to be that different to my old me....I will always try to maintain and set my limitations....and try to be extra careful....I mean I pray for God's guidance... I know how I disappointed him...I know he did so many things so that I can always maintain the old me...it was me really....

Yearly sentiments

Now I realized,,Spiderman is right... no matter what you do for them, at the end of everything, it's all your mistakes that they remember....I guess I'm a victim of that fate...and I guess I am left for no other choice but to temporarily stay to where I am, no matter how bad they made me feel, and how they bring out the worst in me....I believe I can always do better, but I don't think I can survive in a surrounding that nobody trusts me....nobody trusts me that I can do it, or they just can't accept the fact maybe that an admin assistant has a potential to be like them, or shall I say....I am maybe in a very wrong world, and it's only me insisting that things will soon work out fine, that maybe I never made the worst decisions of my life....Sometimes even I don't know what I can do to PMS anymore,that I've no choice but to search for the root of everything..where shall I start? did I make the first wrong decision after highschool? choosing the wrong course, It should have been journalism not broadcasting?fine arts? is it my backing out from a computer science course at St. Paul's Manila? or it's not the course..it's the kind of job that I chose to start, where eventually i did not survive....it's the wrong notion maybe, that everything has it simple beginning, that it's a natural thing that I started as clerk or as a secretary. I should insist on my potentials....or maybe it's not the job...maybe it's the culture that I have seen from the start...that the technical staff is always above superior than an admins staff....technical staff has more potentials, it's what they will always feel that comes first...never mind about what an admin staff feels...ok....maybe I'll just accept I have an attitude....I'm so outspoken and I say what I want no matter who you are.....but I'm just defending myself coz no once gonna do it but me....but helllo am I the worst person in PMS? am I the most inefficient?(though I don't accept that I am).

missing mommy

I was riding a tricycle from our subdivision to FX station when I suddenly remember mommy, and I can't help but cry...I miss mommy so much, especially at this time when my finances is in danger again. at least before even if mommy is sicked, still I am not alone...I really feel so alone.....I often dream of mommy..I know last night I dreamed of her.....but i can't remember what it's all about....

Again?

Four years ago of January, Erap was faced with various cases which led to his exile....now its GMA's turn to taste the bitter part of being a President. When some of her trusted cabinet secretaries turned their backs on her, requesting her to resign...again we are waiting.....again we will welcome a change in government..maybe again we will welcome another PMS Head.....ay naku puro simula....

Not yet adjusted

I'm still in the office right now...overtime....it's SONA month for those not too familiar, it is "state of the nation address" of the president..yes we're working to death inspite of all the controversies.. trabaho lang....well me i'm still not adjusted to my new situation now coz I still go home early even if it's only peso and pissy waiting for me...I still don't go out on a gimmick. I know I should now make a move to point myself to a new direction...I should strive for improvement..or shall I say higher income. Well I know I can't do it right away...I still have so many things to fix....gosh my leave credit is pathetic.....almost nothing left to my salary...the good thing is, I don't worry much now if I have only a hundred in my pocket...the advantage of missing mommy, I don't worry anymore for her medicines, and more delicious food. I can survive with anything with my dogs...hehehe, but you know I believe that God provides.....i can feel it everyday....hehe