Two Weeks Sorrow

I'm out of the office for two weeks now....and I am still not going to office next week. I brought mami to hospital on the 15th of May 8 pm, stayed there for 1 week, and died on monday of the following week. If somebody would ask what am I feeling these days...it's unexplainable.....the sorrow is so deep that I really cannot cry anymore....I had difficult time on my mommy's final week. the effect is more on the emotional side. pain, fear and guilt combined...pain of seeing mommy suffer,pain on knowing mommy really wants eternal rest, and pain on the reality that I can never have her forever...fear for i believe she's all I have in this world...fear for lifetime solitude, fear of the changes waiting for me ahead. Guilt because I don't think I have served her enough...guilt for not telling her how I value her in my life and guilt for what I told her when I had simply gone mad....

Now I'm about to face the new chapter of my life....the changes are so overwhelming, that I really don't know what to do first. Initial effect is my temporary separation from Peso and Pissy...Most especially peso....God knows how I desperately told him to look after mom and house when I'm out for work, and he had done his job well. He's a younger brother that I never have... and I terribly miss him. I have lost mom...and I'm in the process of knowing how it feels like to be alone...without a mother... I have never imagined life without her...but do I have a choice...she suffered a lot...and I regret for not being completely attentive to her health...never thought of the possible comlications...

On the lighter side, mom's death brought back something that I used to own...it's the love I have for my relatives, something I thought I have lost more than years ago...the beauty of what my fellowmen have, and the patience for everything. Before mommy died I was thinking that If she would leave me at that moment, I will never have a life in a stright direction, hatred all over...etc...maybe the "thoughts" made her stay more eventhough she's in the state of dying... anytime. Now I'll be working on fixing my life... alone without parents... too old to be an "Orphan"... With God's help...with relatives/love ones' help...I know I'll never fail...

To my friends who spent time reading my blogs

Dear friends, thanks so much for the time....I mean in our very busy world I guess this is the only way for you people to know the latest about me....whatever your reactions maybe, i would like to let you know that the intention of the blog is to entertain you. In case some matters here aroused your curiousity, you're always free to comment or you can talk to me privately...again thank so much for travelling along the wonderful paths of my life...you're a part of me somehow for you are reading my life....and to read my life is to know me, and to know me is to accept me, with all your heart. Again thank you...I am a nobody that you put in a pedestal...that's how I describe my feeling knowing you're providing your precious time on this.

Writing that leaves a mark

Too much blogging made me neglect my creative inclinations...my word combinations are those I ordinarily have in mind....I would like to believe that blogging regularly will enhance my gift, well in a way it does but, blogging is so cool that I no longer care for the impact of the words that I combined..blogging does not have a focus. To impress the reader is not the outmost concern...it unconsciously becomes an open diary maintaining stories of everyday life. Maybe I should add more intensity to my write ups here in blog....and it's what I always want...a write up with Legacy.....the one with a mark....

Love Life

what is life without love?...foolish question...but what I'm going to write here has nothing to do with the question..for I never question life when I don't have a lovelife, the important thing is I know how to apply love not just to one person but to those who touch my life.... My relationship with my someone is surprisingly smooth sailing for the past 2 months... we are together for almost five years excluding those times when I believed he was not as committed as he was today...but moving on...inspite of the complications in pursuing this relations, I can say that I am more at ease nowadays... Maybe I have matured, and him too.... I have realized our limitations, and just enjoy life.... I'm happy going home with him after office, I'm happy going to gym with him too. I guess aside from intimacy, a friendship bloomed deeper ....I guess that's what I like in a long term relationship...you're closeness is more meaningful, and you're no longer conscious on your appearance in front of each other.... It was a learning experience falling in love with someone like him...it's a destiny's game when I met him and accept him in my life....there was even a time when I thought, I have ended a chapter of my life on him....but just like harry potter and lord of the rings, it gave birth to its sequel, not knowing where to stop... it may not be as magical as the two popular movies, but the magic that I feel when I'm with him lasts...the kind the give me strength somehow...who would understand me? well so far I will just enjoy the magic...