Life at a glance

Makes me feel I am falling in love

2011-08-17T21:22:00.000-07:00

It's all over the net, the SEGA sickness... they call themselves as Shippers of this popular couple who mesmerized a lot of fans in their role in the Korean Drama "Secret Garden". I m not yet a member of any group but I've got all the symptoms of this SEGA sickness... I love Ha Ji Won and Hyun Bin, their chemistry is overflowing... I always used these words "Magical with Lingering effects" when the effect of the drama seemed lasting and fans just can't get enough.

I just found myself falling in love with the two....joining forums that talked about the two of them, and all are wishing that they are secretly dating now that Secret Garden is all over. Hyun bin is now under Military Service while Ha Ji Won is busy with the showing of her Sector 7 and her endorsements etc.

Is this crazy, I am inspired because of them... or again this is the softer side of me, getting mushy over this love story? but you see I am not a Love story fanatic, I guess SEGA is really just one of a kind, and the portrayal of actors and actresses are just perfect....

For how long will I feel like I really don't know, but I guess there is nothing wrong enjoying something like this, as long as I know I am still normal and I don't do things to harm my fellowmen , LOL I guess I am still ok... and it is always OK to admire... Just use the admiration positively..

when to know when working is no longer healthy

2011-04-03T04:54:00.000-07:00

I cannot beat the deadline, I guess it's impossible. I am doing my best effort but some things are beyond my control. Bosses are making me feel like it will be my fault if they fail.... looks like the problem created by others are my problems now...and poor me thinks that because I don't have the choice among all of us, I should be the one to deal with it..... I am already palpitating, I am doing what I can do but it seems not enough at all....

sometime it's not the job but the people you work with.... they can only see the time when you are resting, but not the time you are overworking yourself..

God, can you do something on this? please lead me the way, if this is the time for me to lost my job please help me find a better one... I have a big financial needs and I can't afford to lose a job for now.... please help me....

Thank you strangers

2011-03-27T06:26:00.000-07:00

Although my page views increased slowly, still I am thankful, strangers still stopped and took time to read. I thank you all for reading my Life at glance which I failed to update as actively as I used to. Well from now on, I will try my best to write here as often as I can. I would like this to be the record of my personal feelings That will neutralize my writing. I want to maintain my old way of writing, no matter how emotional it can get. I started writing that way..and as my writing subjects became broader and broader every day, I sometime miss my emotional articles.

Or will this mean, it's been years since that most passionate feeling, and giving my all, made me feel fulfilled emotionally, that missing the feeling is either not a priority or there is no one to think about... or getting old is making me more practical....that I write with less woman affection... am I missing that soft side of me...

Hope to see you again readers, I will consider this as my writing outlet... different from my writing for a Magazine, different from my hubs or stories from the other site...

2011 my "be careful year"

2011-01-15T07:02:00.000-08:00

2011 is a year of the Rabbit, and as someone born under the Year of the rooster, it means that I can never be sure of a good year because Rabbit and Rooster never get along very well in this Chinese Calendar.

So I am more prayerful this year for I will be needing our Lord more than ever. He is the only one who knows my destiny and I am leaving it all up to him.

My year of the Rabbit 12 years ago was not nice, but I know very well why.. I am hoping I will have a better year of the Rabbit this year. Above all I am praying for good health among my family or love ones and of course good health for Peso and PM. May I never short of resources this year so I can always update their vaccinations.

I know this year too will be a challenging year for my writing career, and I hope increase my earning this year thru this passion of mine... this is one of my greatest dreams, to make it big in my writing though I have no idea yet as to how big..

Pissie Marie or PM

2010-11-23T01:35:00.001-08:00

I just want to introduce my baby girl PM....

Missing Pissy

2010-11-20T08:46:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I found myself missing my other female dog Pissy. Trully my little girl is irreplaceable in spite of the presence of another female do that I named after her, and is getting along well with Peso, Pissy or Piseta Danica is still different. Part of me is still guilty with my shortcomings to her. I have all my attention to Peso because I thought Peso's ailment is really something to worry about and Pissy had no sign of major illness then. When I sent her to a Vet Clinic to update her vaccination, I guess that's how my dog suddenly became sickly and did not survive at all.

I just don't want to talk about her ailment for she died without us knowing what was wrong with her. I brought her to the best vet clinics in town but they can't seem to answer what's ailing her...

Most of my friends assumed that maybe Pissy died because she felt she was loved less by me.... of course those are not true, I love my dog Pissy but I admit not to give so much time toher because I thought she was healthy so I gave my full attention to the one that I thought had serious health problem.

Pissy is an alpha dog, so much different from my female dog now. Pissy is like a human being with too much pride, with the "if you ignore me I will ignore you too" attitude. She always turned her back on me when I hugged Peso, she was not the type to insist herself to be hugged too. My new female dog is the exact opposite, she insisted to be hugged and competes with Peso obviously to get my attention.

I guess an alpha dog became a lonely dog when not given enough attention. and that's the lesson I learned. Even if I love Peso above all dogs, I should always treat dogs in my house with fairness and fair love. Because if not, what will be my difference with those who look at dog with complete descrimination.

I hope I won't forget my password this time

2010-11-16T20:54:00.000-08:00

wow finally again for the second time... I miss my life at a glance, I don't think I can just give up on this because it is only here I can express my personal feeling.. flexibility in writing is keeping me set a side the emotional part of me.. anyway hope to have more quality post in the future..

Queen Seon Dok

2010-04-09T04:57:00.000-07:00

The teleserye that I strictly follow at GMA 7 everynight, somebody sent me a dvd copy and I tried to watch it while putting medicine to my allergies... Anyway, I guess the supposed love story of deokman and Yu sin really hit me.. I don't know why, the usual loving in each other but can't go on with the relationship because of priorities....well does it unconsciously reminded me of former episodes of my life when I used to say that love and priorities are two different things but must be together in building up of a relationship... the absence of one can be very painful...

Queen Seon dok is really good... I like the actors and actresses... Especially the one playing Deokman..

Finally

2009-11-10T20:27:00.000-08:00

I finally retrieved my blogger account.... I can say I really miss blogging, writing about things that really concerns me Personally.......I am just thinking if I will need to convert this blog as blog about my personal concerns and issue and leave my Dog talk and Peso talks to others..... but this is for now... I am really happy to be here again...

Updating...

2009-02-21T18:49:00.000-08:00

Just last February 15 my article intended for Animal Scene Mag March issue was published by the Manila Bulletin Newspaper. The Managing editor found it fit to what the newspaper was looking for in time for Valentines day... I really thank Animal Scene and Manila Bulletin for this. To see my Article and Peso's name in a broadsheet is a new and priceless experience...

This is a light in times of darkness...Some odds may be against me but I know this is God's way of telling me he is just beside me...

This month of February also, My article about the Christmas Party of my former petwebsite was published.... Well in spite of the devastation that happened to me in that site, at least I have something to remind me of the beautiful times.... a feeling maybe is different from the time I started writing it to the feeling I had when it was published, but then again, it's still my article and I am proud of it...

This one is my real favorite....The January issue of Animal Scene.....

This time I wrote about Shihtzu breed and owners... this is my favorite because I coordinated with all nice people most of them from my real pet website. I never had a hard time talking to them, they are all so down to earth. I made a lot of people happy here..

Most of all this is a story about an ordinary dog's life adventure and how he always encountered shihtzu dogs and humans, and how these humans became my friends. People involved in this article made me feel more fulfilled than ever....

which made me forget those I failed to please for whatever reasons only them know,..

I wish it's already march so that I can talk of my new article right away... and move on... well I think I did.... I don't know why others can't?

An after Christmas Haircut

2008-12-27T04:42:00.000-08:00

This maybe is weird to some but, I can’t help but associate long curly hair to sadness and badluck. So I decided to have a haircut again, to end grudges, fears, and anything negative…

Just this year I had two major haircuts because of significant events in my life.But before I tell my story let me post my latest pictures first… that one taken at Davids Salon Circle Mall

Moving on, after almost a lifetime of avoiding my natural curl, because of some accident, I decided to maintain a longer curly hair for two years……

only to realize how hard my life looking back since the first month of 2008. I had a year of “PESO” centered life… My dog’s struggle with his perineal hernia became my struggle too…. I did not expect him to have 3 major operations in a year with just less than a month interval… I had a haircut after his 3rd surgery. and I can tell we had a smooth sailing life after that… Peso gained weight….

November 29 when i decided to give in to my friend’s persuasion to have my hair rebonded at her parlor

Hair instantly became longer. The woman who did the rebonding refused to cut my hair…. The following day, when I strolled with Peso, I noticed he was straining to urinate again…. and I know it’s sign that he needed another surgery…. Dec. 1, my dog undergone surgery again, his fourth…… Peso is okey now. His veterinarian said that his muscles are all completely repaired…Problems with Peso ended (with God’s help) But new thing came up… a few days before Christmas, I was told I am going to transfer to another unit…. not much of a bad news, coz before it happened I was already thinking of my job that kept me idle for 8 long years, and I know that former resentments prevented me to like the job, monitoring really bores me, or I just don’t progress anymore…. this development only solves the problem…. But behind that is a rejection from Others too… I have nothing to do with the strengthening or whatever they called it. The new head of my former office just can’t admit it directly that she didn’t like me as her admin staff…. but I can’t blame her.. What ever negative input that she got about me maybe came from my former bosses and officemates too… and I can’t argue about that…I am only one against how many of them, and life at PMS is like a number game… Majority wins… This is not the time to flaunt my strength…and I maybe a little too passive to just let them think of me negatively.. what can I do, I am aware how I lost my approachable image right after I left my other office, which up to now I consider the one that really brought out the “real” Maricel at work.

Now my self esteem is not yet high but it is getting there I know…. My replacement at my former office is obviously more prepared to transfer than I do and I know she felt much more better because she was chosen over me…. I saw myself in her years ago, when a boss requested me to become an admin too… but I know her story will be different….

First step to accepting my fate is to locate all computer chairs that are under my name and I just did it before the long vacation….. Another one is to have a haircut. Be Beautiful to set the difference.

That one was taken at Rustan’s Supermarket.

I just want to relax

2008-12-21T03:32:00.000-08:00

I went out to think about myself and my career. I guess I just had my two emotional
issues and I need a break... Went to Riverbank to dine at Cafe Mina but to my dismay they have limited stocks already, they are moving out to SM Fairview in the near future.

I went to Figaro instead. And since I only saw a couple inside I decided to occupy a place which can accommodate more than six people.

I was sitting acrossed that couch on the picture....Instead of thinking of the unexpected change in my career, and how I tried to avoid my ex when he went to the office, I just took photos of myself, trying to capture the low neckline blouse that I wore.... but I guess I failed to get it.... I can't seem to focus on my cleavage hahaha but instead just almost a close up photos of me....

Am I faking my smile here? no just a little bit conscious. I know not everybody can understand how I enjoy my solitude...

But then I can't help but think of the sudden changed in my career... After 8 years in that unit, I will really need to adjust again in a different unit... though I am thankful I will be reunited with former officemates and friends, I am still fearful about things that can possibly affect my privacy, and mostly my priorities.

A brewed coffee to match my snack.

Half ham sandwich and half ordered pasta...

I like the ham sandwich.

About my ex who visited the office, I was told how pathetic he looks now, and I am not ready to see him yet... not that I am mad at him, but I don't think I can handle another emotional issue. I am not ready and I know eyes will be watching on us. But I am really very sad for him...and when I went home that day, there was a part of me that wanted to make me cry for reasons I cannot explain...

Then I took another photo of myself. I still want to look good, anyway changes may mean a new break for me....so please help me God...

Next Time I will bring my Peso here at Figaro.....Life will be happier then...

Where is Peso?

2008-11-30T08:53:00.000-08:00

Peso is not lost... I am just missing my boy, because just this morning, he surprised me again with urine straining again.... Panic as usual.... if there is one thing I can't get use to is when Peso is having a day like this, and who can? difficulty urinating is a sign of hernial complication.... yes peso was put to surgery three times this year and on the first day of December he is scheduled for another surgery, sadly his fourth...

In-spite of using mal-functioned cellphones I was able to contact people who always help me when Peso's ailment strikes again... as usual Peso is crying again and restless, we brought him to Vets in practise in Mandaluyong at around 230pm...I was advised to leave Peso. and I did not argue, I guess they can handle Peso well when I am not around, and in general, dogs behave well in the clinic when their humans are not with them.

To give him temporarily relief, the veterinarian in charged at that time collected the trapped urine using a syringe. I was not around when they put muzzle on Peso and I was not around when they did a certain procedure.

I immediately miss Peso, this is the first time that I arrived home without Peso wagging his tail, and reaching out me as if he wanted to give me his welcome kiss..

I will miss to see him sleeping soundly...

I know this is sad.... having 4 surgeries in a year is not a good joke....I really pray that to God to have mercy on us and my dogs.... that I hope HE can see from up there that Peso and Pissy are my closest family... Hope our almighty give us more time to be together...and give us a chance to be happier and free from worries...

Peso's tail

2008-10-18T08:21:00.000-07:00

Whenever I look at Peso's tail I can't help to recall what we have been through and how we survived it.... regardless of how weird his tail looks now, it is still a great joy to see it wagging almost endlessy. His tail obviously expresses that good feeling he is feeling now....that Peso is almost back to normal except for those furless portion of his lower body, but my goodlooking dog lives with it gracefully, those who never know us thought it's just a style... Peso's tail always reminds me of a legacy that I dreamed for my dog.... since puppy(hood) days, Peso already showed uniqueness which made me love him so much...so much that I wanted to make his life cycle different.... I want his stay in this lifetime very memorable not only to me but to other people as well.. and I didn't know that his ailment will lead us to that legacy... Try to check Peso dog at google and you will find information about him... Unconsciously I made a lot of information that will lead to Peso, Dogster, Youtube, United Dog and Worldwidefido.com where he won the cutest dog for July 2007. Indeed Peso's tail can tell a lot of tales, and even if his fur grows and make it look normal, Peso's tale will never end.... Super Peso lives... and Big sis will always be at his side...to write more stories about him...

One of Peso's latest video, sorry for the background (LOL)

Why??

2008-10-11T09:13:00.000-07:00

Sometimes just when you thought that you have reached the age when you feel like no male can ever attract you again, after a long failed relationship, and after you became completely comfortable not thinking of a male (I mean human male,Peso is the only male that conquers my thoughts and feelings), then this person came, I met him only once and now I am still thinking of him....

The question is why do I need to see him only now, when it's definitely too late...? why do I need to meet him and can't see him again? but I am thankful that we have communication, no matter how it lacks affection, it's already fine with me... I guess when you know that to develop something sweet between you and a person you like is next to impossible, better appreciate that you met him and you made a mark on your first meeting,better content yourself to the fact that he knows you, and he knows your most cherish capability

I just want to believe I am hero-worshipping any one who had saved a love one's life... and Glad I've met him and he knows me.... I just hope my articles fascinate him too that way it fascinated other people....

I love you peso peso, you really brought me not only joy but really a lot of wonderful things in this lifetime

Our Hands

2008-09-21T04:30:00.000-07:00

I have so many backBLOGS, BECAUSE there are things I need to publish first like, this one.... my hand and peso's hand... I am holding it tight to make him feel like I will never leave him... and I know he knows it.... after all that we've been through and what we have encountered together. There is no way that I am going to give up on him. And I know he fought hard for his life because of his love for me, His veterinarians admired him to his strong fighting spirit to live... God knows I love this dog so much, and everybody who knows me knew it.... Peso has always been a good partner.... When my mom was still alive and very sick, something about Peso is making me feel like I have someone I can rely on.... He is like a guardian angel that Our Lord sent me to give me joy in times of pain, and a flicker of light in times of darkness... Peso's ailment brings out a lot of passion in me....that without my intention, I was able to capture my readers heart, met a lot of good people, and changed the way I look at life....My dog has brought me a lot of good aura.... Now that he is sick and recovering, I'll do everything to make him feel better.... some people do not understand me, but I don't mind.... this is my life and they are not the one living with a dog I called 'MY PESO"

2008-09-17T20:30:00.000-07:00

Mona gave this to me and I am flattered and happy. A real writer is reading my blog and that's really an honor.... Thanks Euthymic keep in touch always and teach me to write well okey....

My Birthday for the year 2008

2008-09-11T04:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday September 10, was my birthday. No Celebration, no extravagant food, no new clothes...but very very meaningful.... God's gift to me is extension of Peso's life, I will discuss the drama in a different post but for now I want to share what I did on my birthday....

Fed Pissy her BarkBars, a chocolate for dog treats, given by Tita Susan, a friend I met from a dog website, she's based in Australia. That was 3AM...

Arrozcaldo from one fastfood chain,actually I bought it for Peso,but I realized it's too salty for him, but I can't eat it either, not so fond of arrozcaldo with too much garlic, I will not tell how this porridge ended.

Coffee is always better....

Both Cellphones were busy....but then it didn't stop me to take photo of my sick dog....

Time to cook the rice now

Preparing to boil malunggay leaves to be included in dogs' diet.... I cooked malunggay omellet for Peso's diet,sorry forgot to take photos.

Fried Chicken for me or for us.

Finally a haircut.... after a year...

and a manicure,after so many months..

Then I proceeded to this place to buy my favorite sandwich..

Well that's my last destination,but before that I went to church.... so guilty that it was already closed when I arrived..... but I still prayed and thank the Lord for his gift....

Peso 2nd Surgery

2008-09-02T02:43:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow September 3, is Peso's schedule for 2nd surgery... Please pray that the 2nd surgery will be much more easier than the first one....

Peso will be on TV

2008-08-23T05:52:00.000-07:00

At Exactly 530 Am, Saturday August 23, I was awaken by my cellphone, a message from Vera of GMA7 informing me that they are on their way to my residence, so I fixed myself and go to my bedroom where Peso was sleeping soundly.

Peso was at that position when I woke him up...

Then when Peso went to the living room I put powder on him and Pissy and dressed them up...

I texted Vera to inform her that we went ahead to Ponte Verde and we will just wait for them there, Peso was so anxious to stroll already... and they came right in time

The Camera man focusing his camera, trying to capture the moments of me and Peso while walking

Peso here getting ready for the next shot.... with him is his favorite toy (for now) I asked him to bring a toy and that's what he got from our bedroom

My dog is a now a celebrity, look at the Camera Man trying to get his best angle...

Then we went back to my residence and shoot more.... If I can remember it right, they took shots of my doggie corner where Peso's crown for his worldwidefido.com Cutest Dog was placed together with his and pissy's pictures.

The only woman in the group asked for my dogs' accessories so I showed them what my dogs have

I showed them tick and fleas powder, Dry shampoo, vitamins,and Pissy's brush

I showed them doggy shirts and where I placed them

I also showed them their shampoo and towels and toothbrushes. But I am not sure if they are going to include it....

Then they requested me to change Peso's shirt and they chose this shirt for Peso...

Then I forgot to take photos cause it was my turn for interview...

This will be shown on August 30 Episode of GMA7's Imbestigador... I know Peso will look good in that episode... I hope me too...

Peso's 1st Hernial Repair Surgery

2008-08-18T21:07:00.000-07:00

1st Hernial Surgery because while I am writing this, Peso is already scheduled to have his 2nd surgery tentatively on August 25, 2008. Unfortunately Peso developed hernia at the right side of his behind which aggravated by the repair of the one in the left. But I believe Peso is much better now, so I believe and trust God that his second surgery will not be as life threatening as the first one....Peso is such a strong dog.... a real fighter..

My heart melts whenever I see this picture. Peso here still managed to look at the camera in spite of discomfort he felt at that time. He can no longer eliminate, the reason why his behind was so bulky

Peso here was looking at his veterinarian, my dog can sense that something is going to happen to him at that moment......

Peso here after his first anesthetic shot....

sleeping soundly now

Peso with oxygen and a dextrose about to be placed on his right arm..

His bulky behind without the fur.....

That's the displaced bladder, the reason why he can no longer bring out his urine.

The surgery is almost over here..

Peso lying on his back, he is being neutered....

time to wake up......

Still at the clinic and groggy, Peso here wearing his elizabethan collar....

Peso here after a few days.....Please pray that his 2nd surgery will be as successful at the first....

Peso's hernial repair surgery

2008-07-30T22:28:00.001-07:00

To all my friends who have known Peso and learned to love Peso through my stories about him, I am wishing all your prayers for Peso. Later this afternoon, he will have his hernial surgery.. a risky one..... he is supposed to have it 2 weeks from now but sudden development happened. MOnday morning he just can urinate, and when he did he just had drops... I brought his to vet last tuesday morning was catherized and I was told the bladder is already dislocated making Peso's behind bigger and causing his delayed urination.... his vet originally did schedule him today, but since Peso was in great discomfort last night, almost kept me awake the whole time... I believe this is the time... I am in great sorrow now coz Peso has a huge behind now.... Ill write more in the future about it.. I need to go now to prepare him for his surgery...

Why I love my dogs.......

2008-07-14T07:41:00.000-07:00

I want to believe I spent my first 7 months of 2008 taking care of Peso. I worry about him, happy when I feel he is okay, and wrote a lot about him..... I joined a lot of dog websites because of him... Lately I am often told how good human I am to my dogs, some even said good things about me, admiring my dedication and adjustment just to give Peso my quality time....I thought I am just doing the normal thing, I would like to believe that people I met through those dog websites will also do the same.... Especially those who can really afford it more than I financially speaking.....

I grew up with dogs in our house, and I never heard my parents gave up when one dog got seriously sick....but there is a story behind my great love for my dogs.

This started when life became harder, meaning when my father retired from work and I slowly shared responsibilities at home... I love my dog Clarky, she was 9 nine years old when she died of something that until now I didn't know what to call it, all I knew was she was stud and considering her age and never been stud since birth, it was bad for her, she was not sent immediately to the vet.... and the time I sent her it was too late maybe coz after a day or two, when I arrived home, mother said Clarky died... I blamed it to lack of financial strength in our family, but that did not stop me from having more dogs....

A year after my father's death, My other favorite dog I called ConCon got sick. when I sent him to veterinarian I was told he had distemper, it's like in the final stage of cancer.... those were unforgettable saddest days of my life. Witnessing my dog slowly deteriorating was very agonizing... until he can't even walk on his own. it was really sad, in fact I still feel sad when I remember him.....at that time I still have a mother who took care of him when I went to work... When I arrived home I spent time with my dog, helped him eliminate, helped him walk, I even heard passers by telling me "Let him die", and I ended up saying "mind your own business"... and life was hard then, I brought him to his veterinarian, got injected by something though the vet said, it won't help anymore and even suggested mercy killing.... one day, mother talked to me, and told me how she felt bad about concon's condition..and how she felt that she too slowly got weaker everyday... Mom suggested to bring concon to mercy killing, and I agreed painfully, brought my dog to his vet, then left him, I can still remember him when he cried when he saw me leaving him, God knows I cried a river that day. it was very sad and painful, but I love my mother, my father just died and she's all I have...

Since then I promised myself not to let the same thing happen to my dogs in the future... I was truly broken hearted with concon's lost that I did not get a dog right away. Maybe it was a trauma and guilt combined that even to write about Concon was hard, I only had the strength to write about him when I joined my first dog website (dogs.com.ph)where there are lots of fellow dog lovers who can identify with me. Even when Peso came to my life, I still have Concon's memory at the corner of my heart. Moving on, After a year, I tried to look for a dog bringing concon's picture so that I can get someone who looks like him.. I even asked officemates to find me one who looks like him but everybody failed to find another Concon so I gave up.

Few months later, a neighbor told my mother that they want to give us a dog, I told my mother that I will only get a dog in a condition that "It is a male with brown and white fur and with a spot in the eyes",I had those conditions because I was desperately missing Concon, so I still want his look alike. September 17, 2000 a male puppy came to my home, as if created to fit my condition, with white and brown fur,with spots in the eyes.. and most of all he is quite similar to Concon, only concon has one spot in his left eye, while the puppy has two. and that puppy is now the Super Dog Peso that is well known in at least 3 dog websites that I am actively participating (dogs.com.ph;philippinepethaven.com; and pinoypetfinder), that Super Dog Peso in July issue of Animal Scene Magazine and the same Peso with perineal hernia at May issue.... he is also the same Peso7272k which you can search at Youtube....

Concon is the reason why I love Peso and Pissy so much, he is the reason why I am so over protective of my dogs, that's why I never give up on my Peso's ailment, that's why I am doing everything to survive Peso's expenses. I don't want a repetition of what happen to Concon...I believe God gave me a chance through Peso, He sent Peso to me to remove the guilt in my heart....but I realized it's not only Concon that God returned to me, Pissy was nearly one year old when I see her resemblance to Clarky...

So that's the story behind my love for my dogs.... aside from having this unexplainable passion for dogs since childhood, I also acquired prolific stories of unconditional love provided by my dogs in the past....God is obviously very instrumental. My dogs are confirmation of his guidance to me.

I guess there is no getting over when your beloved dogs died. Grieving over pets will not stop as long as we choose to take care of them and make them part of our lives....I mean I know it's sad that all living things will soon leave the world.... Peso may survive his ailment, but not old age, the same is true with Pissy. So although I will be very sad that my babies will soon have their time to say goodbye, I still believe that it's best for them to leave ahead of me, because I can't imagine their lives here on earth without me... I can't imagine leaving Peso in his present condition, no one can take care of him the way I do...

that's why I just wish dogs have souls, so that when the time comes, I can still meet them with the Almighty and my parents, welcoming me in my new home.

I miss my dogs

2008-07-12T20:52:00.000-07:00

I already gave up out of town gigs, all for the love of my dogs Peso and Pissy, but most especially Peso. I already panic if I know I have been away from home for so long.... I left the house at past 1 pm yesterday, and I haven't returned yet... I am worried about Peso, he needs to eliminate.... I don't worry much about Pissy, if she feels like doing it, she really wont mind doing it anywhere she wants... I haven't slept yet but definitely once I arrived home, I will not rest, I will bring Peso to our bonding place, then I will feed them, then maybe after that I can rest a little....

I posted my favorite pictures of Peso. He was 5 lbs bigger there, that photo was taken a few years before he got his perineal hernia...

I really love his eyes.... he is so goodlooking....

This is my little girl Pissy, she is so loveable and sweet, but moody...

I love her when she's afraid, she runs to me like a child, as if she knows I can always protect her....

Combined Passions

2008-07-11T10:04:00.001-07:00

it's 8:25 am now, still on straight overtime... I wrote this as I edited my write up for SONA (in between sleepy eyes, and empty head) according to my boss' instruction and changing the figures according to what PGMA has....

Looking at May and July issues of Animal Scene, almost always resurrect my confidence and my hope in writing. It made me feel I have achieved something in my life out of combining my three passions; my dogs, writing and photography.

And indeed it is a dream came true. I mean my first published article was a success because I received feedbacks on how I touched readers' hearts and some even said I made them cry...some even offered help, and one was inspired by my article which made her submit her own story too. The magazine also confirmed my dog's legacy, which I really want him to be... I know he will be remembered as what others called "ASKAL", but treated with too much affection by his human... People with the same interest with dogs, know Peso... not only because I am a member of three dog websites (dogs.com.ph, philippinepethaven.com and pinoypetfinder.com) but also because petlovers nationwide read the magazine.

Can I call myself a writer now? I really like it when people address me as a writer, and how I love to be told how my first write up about "My dear Peso", has touched their hearts. The truth is I am the one really "so" touch by their reactions... It's a kind of greatness that I thought will only exist in my dreams. that as of this moment I am not the insecure woman anymore. I used to think of writing as something common to everybody that it took the backseat of my priorities.that creative writing is actually not common to everybody who learns to write, that turning emotions into words is not as easy as I thought them to be... that for what ever reasons, I have met a lot of people who told me they can't write the way that I do... That I do exist in a world where my capabilities are not required so I took this strength for granted, believing that my write ups will remain unread and will just fade in this world unnoticed....

Maybe life is different now.... and it's never too late. I guess this is the real Maricel now.... leading her life to the way that she wanted... Thanks for those who inspires me to write again, God, my ex, my parents, and my dogs.....

My Superdog, My Hero

2008-07-10T23:20:00.000-07:00

This is the original piece, which I started writing on May 12, 2008 but the improved version, is the one you can read at the July issue of Animal Scene Magazine... I want to maintain it as it is... I kept it for quite sometime while waiting for improved version to get published.... the improved version included updates of Peso's condition, and how my Superdog is taking his very long medication.... this became a part 2 of my first published article "My dog has perineal hernia, soon I'll be writing the Part 3, after Peso's surgery...

My Peso is a Super dog, not that he can carry a four wheeler truck and throw it away to anyone who will attempt to hurt his "Big Sis", but because of the tremendous things he has done in my life. Almost eight years ago, I found him in my home comfortably sitting on the floor. I guess we like each other the first time we met, and if there is the so called soul mates between Human and dog, well that's us.

I always tell my friends that Peso is everything that I want my dog to be... Medium size, good body built, nice white and brown fur, beautiful eyes, nosy ears, very smart, very playful, likes toys and ball, obedient, tricky, spoiled etc... Most of all I love it when he just follows me everywhere I go, when he hugs me when he thought I am mad, and when he brings out his toy from my bedroom because he knows how I adore him when he plays toys in his mouth and wags it.

Peso is really a best friend who witness the ups and downs of my life.... when my mother became sick, and I have no choice but to leave her alone in our house, Peso is the one I left my last words with. Before going to office, I told him "Peso take care of Mommy and Pissy and the house ha, you're the only man here, in case you sense intruder in our house, don't wait for them to hurt you, kill if necessary, what's more important is you, mommy and pissy are safe and Okey..

When I was sick and attacked by my Asthma, Peso woke up with me in the middle of the night as if trying to know what he can do to help me....when I was down and depressed in all aspects of my life, he and Pissy approached me in my bedroom and hugged and kissed me as if they understood what's ailing thier big sis.

Peso neutralizes my life..... He is like a fire extinguisher, that kills all the fire of anguish in my heart which I acquired from my workplace... He and Pissy became a constant reminder that "Maricel" is never really a mean person, that just like dogs, Maricel will never bite unless she is threatened....

Indeed, Peso is my Hero. But Super Dog gets sick too. And it's my turn to be a real heroin of his life... On May 17, 2008, Peso might have his first surgery, Hernial repair combined with neuter... Peso is 7 years old and will turn 8 on July this year. Age factor has a risk involved specially in the anesthetics, but we need to take the risk and correct the problem as early as possible....

And this situation led me back to a familiar situation when my mother was still alive and very sick, the only difference will be the place, instead of hospital for human, I will be looking after my dog at Pendragon Veterinary Clinic... but for sure, familiar feelings will be with me.... fears, worries....tired....afraid, can't breath freely unless the vet tells me he's ok;... I can't wait to see my dog jumping after the operation....

I filed a week leave from work... I will miss work for my dog.. For some, it maybe a waste of time, but for me, it's all worth it.....Spending time for my Hero and angel at the same time is nothing as compares to the difference he makes in my life...
Having a dog that can react to me is like witnessing a miracle,next to God. And I thank God for him.

Goodluck Superdog, I will do everything to make you feel better, I will not leave you as you never leave me... Let's just trust God that you will be okey and much more better after your surgery... You need to live Super Dog, I can't imagine life without my hero..

My First Published Article

2008-05-07T19:48:00.000-07:00

Another dream just came true...and again my Dog Peso is instrumental to it....I love you Peso Peso you always fulfill Big Sis' dreams, you really live up to my "Ideal dog" standard and now you are almost a legacy, something that I really want your life to be...

The Month of May became very special because of Animal Scene Magazine, which published my article about my dog and his perenial hernia.

This situation can be compared to hitting too many birds in one stone. It is very fulfilling.... This is my first write up to get published by a good magazine owned by the company that also publish one of the oldest, most popular and elite newspaper in the Philippines that is the Manila Bulletin.

I admit this is not my first time to submit my article to the publication, and I realized my mistakes now. It is really very important to follow instruction or to give what the magazine wants.... A write up tailored-fit to them not the one that you already have in your file.... and it really pays to adjust..

I can say that the result exceeded my expectation... I thought my write up will be shortened, pictures that I have submitted to give impact to my articles may not all be included, and maybe my article will just be a replacement for one article that did not reach the deadline...

But then I should stop underestimating myself, my article was accepted because they were deeply touch by the way I have written my experiences, while taking care of a dog with Perenial Hernia. Now I have the so "called" portpolio, and I hope to have lots of it in the future. I have articles published in our company newsletter before but this is my first time to have my write up in a magazine that is read by animal lovers nationwide...I am also very delighted to see my name below the Title of my article and both were written parallel to page 28.

Aside from the overwhelmingly beautiful presentation of my write up, the managing editor of the magazine, even talked about Peso in her culumn, "the Managing editor's desk", appealing to dog lovers about helping me to raise fund for Peso's surgery. and I really appreciate their effort to help Peso.

As a whole the Magazine worth the Peso that I spent to it. The payment I recieved is just an icing on the cake.... Imagine getting paid for doing things that you really love to do, and that's my long time dream too, getting paid because of my talent. It revived my long forgotten ego, and resurrect the Maricel with a good heart, not what she almost think of herself for years. And I really regret thinking of myself that way...so I decided to accept my defeat in my present professional status, and believe that I only need my present job to survive, but no sad heart about that anymore, it's about time to face what I really love to do, I am not so occupied with my job anyway so I have my time to write about so many things especially my dog Peso...

Stroll 7

2008-04-23T21:26:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday, I decided to bring Peso to a park one tricycle ride away from our subdivision..

Peso wearing his new shirt, Trying to see where we are going...

Peso's first picture at the park, the popular cows...

This is the park's mini bridge. Beneath that bridge is a large canal, which separates the road going to the mall.. Peso refused to pose in the middle..

This is a nearby park, and Statue of Virgin Mary is in the middle....We prayed there in a while for Peso's health....

A restaurant a few walks away, we were not allowed to enter because Peso was wearing sleeveless and he has no short and slippers

Of course we have picture again...

Then we proceeded to 7-11 Convenient store, Peso was waiting for me here, while I was paying for his bottled water in the counter

We ended up relaxing at the coffee shop outside Rustan's Supermarket, I ordered Strawberry Iced Tea, and Cheeseburger rolls for Peso

Peso drinking water after eating his cheeseburger rolls

Peso trying to befriend Ronald Mc Donald here....

Now they are friends....

Finally we are going home....look at Peso getting ready with a toy in his mouth

Home at last....

Stroll 6

2008-04-22T01:14:00.000-07:00

Strolling to the same place everyday, makes a boring subject, but then Peso and I have several photos to share

It's just me and Peso so I don't have choice, at least Peso is a fast learner and very obedient dog,always ready to pose whenever Big Sis Cel asked him too

He dislikes to be associated with flowers but he is learning now.....

He is so goodlooking here.... He is smiling at me

He is looking at me here, asking for his toy

We have pictures again....

He got his toy at last.....

We are almost home here, we usually end our stroll this way... Peso teasing and waiting for me to grab the toy....

Stroll 5

2008-04-22T00:19:00.000-07:00

I was looking for a subject which I will share in my amateur photography thread of a Dogwebsite where I am an active poster, when Peso called my attention, he has been a very good boy that I allowed him to stroll unleashed....

He is really adorable in that picture.... then I think of this one as a nice spot, like little mountains and houses between them...

Peso met a new playmate, his name is Dagul....

Peso resting in front of the sari-sari store of our new friend whom we met because we passed by her store everytime we "walk the dog".

The Sari-sari store I am talking about is just a part of this green house; very admirable but this is too big for me and my dogs....

Opps we have picture again....

My Home

2008-04-13T19:08:00.000-07:00

There is no place like home... and no matter how your house looks, as long as it gives you comfort, well that is your home... My house is what you called a "humble one". It obviously needs major repair, but since house renovation is something I cannot afford so far, I just content myself to improve what's inside....

It's normal for me to transfer one furnitures and other from one side of the house to another... but this year, it became more often.... Just in the 1st quarter, I already changed my house interiors for the 3rd time.
This is the former arrangement, TV set facing the long couch and above the couch is a mirror.

Now, I remove the TV set from its location and 2 single sofa replaced it. I've seen this style in a magazine where in from the living room, the view to the dining area is open.

The long couch and the mirror was remove and the TV replaced them. This arrangment, is perfect when I don't have a choice but to "multi tasks", meaning I can watch TV while cooking dinner, Watch TV while feeding the dogs, and watch TV while I'm in a bathroom.

This is the former location of my 2 pink couches

Here is the long couch now, This place is best when you just want to rest and watch TV or just listen to your favorite music.

This is my 2nd TV set and CD player...This is where I watch my favorite TV programs when I have nothing else to do but to relax... The long mirror was placed beside the entertaiment rack, a wall clock was removed from there.

From the couch, I opened the window to have a view of my small garden.

Almost the view of the whole house to see the changes.Dogs are actively participating..I guess they like it...

They obviously like it...Why not it's their home too.... Look at the wall where their picture is also hang beside my graduation portrait

By the way, here's my mini pantry, pantry without food hahaha.

So that's my home.. not so impressive outside but inside it is admirable... I mean in this life what's inside is more important than those that meet the eyes....

And how will I end this, well here are pictures of flowers in my garden..

Old time hobby...

2008-04-13T00:32:00.001-07:00

I love to sing eversince...... When minus one became available it was like a dream came true for me.... I was still in elementary when I had my first minus one....then in Highschool, Karaoke became talk of the town, and when my father gave it to me as gift for my 18th birthday, it was like I had the most cherish possession... I was already working when I bought my new Karaoke... a neighbor told me Karaoke is not 'IN" anymore, VIDEOOKE is the best. Well at that time having a Videooke is like an impossible dream, I just told them Karaoke is OK, anyway, all I want to do is to sing, Videoke is for those who can't sing without a hint or tips...

And from VHS, the arrival of VCD player followed.... Much more affordable than VHS, VCD was a hit... year 2000 when I bought my first VCD player and I finally had my set needed for Videoke. It became my hobby to record all my songs and have cassette collections of it... 2006 My 21 Inches TV just stopped showing images,then the VCD player just gave in...it just stuck up, and just can't be used anymore. One day I came home and found my microphone on the floor butchered by my dog Pissy...without scolding my dog, I just threw the poor microphone in the garbase can....then after that I did not sing anymore.... changes in my life made me lost my interest to all things that I love to do....all VCDs remained untouched in the lonely corner of my home...

Time slowly heals wounds,that I slowly bring back things that I love to do...

One by one I was able to bring back my set of entertainment package....New TV, DVD player and a microphone.... VCDs are scattered again...Though I can't use them as often as I used to, well at least they are back to their original functions again...
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I am back to singing again, but then I can only do it when I have time.... One might say "Magic Sing" is the trend nowadays, but I am okey with what I have... Magic sing is too much for me.... the only good thing with it is you don't have to stop to change the vcd coz it's all stuck up inside the microphone.. and it scores your performance, but aside from that, my present set is not that bad anymore...

Something I can't get over.....

2008-04-04T01:43:00.000-07:00

If there is one test in my life that I failed to pass,, I guess it's having a consistent relationship with my present officemates... but what can I do, at this point in time I don't have a choice, this is my bread and butter, I need this job to feed myself and my dogs.....

And I always ended up, regretting my decision eight years ago....For those who can read my blog, before you leave your job, you must think twice or more.... you must have the most sensible reasons before you transfer, something that I failed to do... As naive as I was, I never thought that every unit in office has their own unique standards in treating their staff... I never thought that my work as an admin would make a difference and can become a reason for me not to get a promotion....

Nothing wrong with people I work with maybe, but their personalities combined are something that provoked my pain even more.... I was told when I decided to transfer, the one who requested my services did not promise me anything, that it was still my decision... so now it was really my fault.... and I changed.... no matter how I tried to become better, the harder for me to maintain a good relationship with them..sometimes the harmony is okey,but maybe the wound is too deep, pain surfaced easily... from time to time I got offended. Felt like they were all always against me. And they are not bother anymore by what ever it is that pains me....

With just one incidence, all pains returned to me like rain...how they all keep quiet when I have the point, and how all of them have comments when my reaction was uncalled for... Maybe in this life there are people who became your friends and yet you can't tell them what you feel and how you got offended by their reception of you everytime you tried to approach them...or maybe I never really made a mark in their lives, the always mean, rude Maricel, but I am really just expressing what I think is right! as far as I know I never caused a lot a pain to a particular person to the point of holding her life.....with one's principle that still exist, look what happened to my life? My mother died without me telling her I finally got promoted.... so who wants promotion now....

For the last Seven years I felt worst....feeling like I am doomed to this unit. I was told several times that I am free to transfer to other units, and I told them it's too late now coz no one will take me anymore because I had maybe the worse record in the whole office.. which i believe is untrue.... but that's what they made me feel....

Then I was told that to have a chance for promotion I must start getting technical jobs.... and I did, and they gave the idlest agency, in consideration for my admin work... My momentum was high, I was willing to take the challenge... but that was it....it's like letting me smell the food but never let me taste it.... and years passed I am still an Admin.... and I just felt tired proving myself. Felt like I am too old to prove myself and aspire for PSO2 positions....

And I really regret, leaving ORC, the unit that I left because at one time they have lesser work to do, the unit that made me work happily even as Admin, the unit where I always see equality.... no descrimination...... now I don't get a promotion because I am not a good employee, at least now I deserved it....but then I know I need to do something. I need to go back to how I was before I transfered to this unit.... I need to remind myself what Mark told me "na sa ugali ko raw wala akong kapupuntahan", God knows he is wrong, God knows I am not bad, maybe the people I am working with are not bad people too, just maybe clashing of personalities. The way they take side in every commotion, and how I have a different view.... I was told that filing of filial leave will always be filed 5 days before, but I insisted what if its emergency? can you file your emergency five days before? If I did not have point how come personnel finally considered it? definitely not frightened by me...I just really have a point....

But my officemates never see it... Maybe if it is a point of others but me, they will agree....

Stroll 4

2008-04-03T23:44:00.000-07:00

There are so many pictures that I still need to share which I believe should have a place here in Peso and I stroll series...

Taking a different route, We passed by these banana trees which gave me an impression of provinces that I visited before.

This is one of the views from our place....Community on a mountain...making me realized that my place where I live is also a part of a mountain..

In our previous stroll or walk the dog, we started on top of this ladder. Now we started at the bottom... Peso climbing the cement ladder...

Oh here it is,This was taken a week ago...Peso is looking at the cement ladder behind him, so that's how it looks on top..and hey Peso's jersey turned blue hehehe .
A few steps from that ladder is a big house....actually it's just one of the big houses, but sadly I seldom see people in those houses.

A lot of pine-trees on our way home....
Peso looking at me, it's time to play, where is the toy.???

opps we are going home....

Stroll 3

2008-04-03T17:02:00.000-07:00

Whenever Peso and I stroll, I always feel this kind of liberty that says "with my dogs alone I can feel really home"... Peso is always the best companion ever.... I don't think I can enjoy strolling this much without my adorable dog....Every morning he is like a little boy, excited to stroll and waiting to be dressed up by me.

I know very well that each time I spend quality time with my dog, I am also investing emotion and affection.. He is like my little boy that I love to hang out with anytime, sometimes I think I can take life without friends but I am not sure how without Peso....not a good sign? well....for the meantime I will just take one day at a time..
Lack of stability in finances made me delay my dog's hernial repair surgery, for the meantime I'm trying everything to make Peso feel ok and comfortable, so that his hernia won't get worst...strolling made Peso a happier dog, I've never seen him this happy even before he became sick...

Strolling made me appreciate nature, made my digicam and cellphone more useful. It made me energetic, and it enhances my passion in Photography. Peso became my instant model, he posed near the flowers as I told him too...(He didn't like it, He's a real man I know)

I told him to pose near the couple of leaves that arouse my curiosity, and he followed as usual...

While we stroll I am thinking of my dreams.....that someday I can have a house or a more comfortable house where my dogs can run and play safely.....that I will have a " financial-worry free life", that I can buy my dogs all the comforts that they need... that someday I will have car of my own, that I can go where ever I wanted to go, and I can easily bring my dogs to veterinary clinics, and I can bring Peso to other place where we can stroll more....that someday
I can invite friends and relatives to my house and help them in their needs too.

Yes beautiful surroundings inspire me too dream.... that life is beautiful.... and I still have hope in this World...that Peso will soon have his surgery and after that surgery he will be a happier dog and he will live longer........

For the meantime I will live one day at a time, and enjoy my precious time with my dog and be by his side as long as he needs me.....If it's God's will to let this

surgery perform to Peso, I believe this will happen...and I will soon have enough resources to support his medical needs....that he will always be a happy active dog..
and in case his veterinarian said, he is not physically fit to undergo surgery, then I will just continue to do things that is making him feel better so far....

My Gadgets

2008-03-26T14:10:00.000-07:00

Nice title, looks like I am going to flaunt my properties...hahaha of course not....what I have are simple ones, not the "top of the line" type because I cannot afford "big time" things yet....but then I am contented with what I have, because they resurrect something within myself.... The real passion that I have,and the things I love to do. They are the best companions ever, when solitude is inevitable.
My cellphone is SONY Ericsson K750i 2mp... I got it for free when my application for 800 plan was approved. This cellphone almost fulfill my dreams for my dog. Through it, I was able to practise "somehow" what I learned in my Communication Arts, Major in broadcast course, like "continuity" of every scene... My phone only allows 8-10 seconds shoot, which I learned to connect to creat the whole story...And my favorite star, who is no other than Peso, is everything that I wanted a talent to be.... full of cleverness and cuteness which really gives life to simple situation... My cellphone also has a game in it which I called boom. This boom gave me enough reason to ignore human being sorrounding me. It also makes me busy during long travel when going to work back home.

My Digicam is Fuji finepix A202 2mp..No I did not really buy this one, my cousin sold it to me for almost Five Hundred Pesos(P500) very cheap considering the good resolutions of the pictures especially when transferred to PC. It resurrects more my very first interest which is photography... I was in my elementary years when I had my first camera with flash bulb... I lost interest in pictures after college, because I just found it very inconvenient to buy films, and get excited on how the pictures will look like. If unlucky, all the photos you've taken on a particular occassion will get exposed or will not show up.... Digital camera is really great, it makes you on the go anytime. The best of all the best is you can see your pictures right away and it has large memory enough for you not worry about running out of film anymore. I always bring this whereever I go....

My Ipod, a birthday gift from my cousin.. when I was younger I cannot appreciate the idea of listening to music alone, and I found it very unethical then to have that thing on your two ears in the presence of friends... Now I am really happy that I have this gadget with me....when you're so used to have someone and that significant other suddenly got out of your life, Ipod is really the best in blocking the "missing him" symdrome in your brain... very entertaining really.

So these are my gadgets away from home and office. It saves me from "one sad day" attack, and it refreshes everything in me, my passion to write, my passion to combined words with pictures, and my passion to turn emotions into words... and when my interests to things became intense again, it means only one thing, "I am out of my depression caused by matters of the heart".. I feel like I'm in a new chapter of my life, in a new world with greater challenge and yet with greater gadgets to neutralize life.

But I have other more beneficial gadgets,

I have revived and strengthened my faith, my fears made me hold on even more... and

My Heaven sent angels that help me survived life during those times when I felt hopeless and so alone...now those are things of the past..

so Gadgets, they are not for show, they are what they're doing deep inside you....

The mirror and the comb

2008-03-18T16:00:00.000-07:00

Old brown small oval shaped mirror, and a ladylike comb with one broken tooth. At first glance they are just one those old stuff ready to be given away or just throw away... why not the oval shaped mirror is more than 10 years of age or 15 years old to be exact.... The comb, probably around 10 years of age... but they are not leaving me.... in fact they are placed inside the drawer of my table in the office, so I always see them everyday 9am to 6pm of my life.....

Behind those old stuff are rich recollections of my happy life 15 years ago......A good reminder that I had a loving parents whose love and support remained untarnished even at the time I reached adulthood and can stand and live on my own...

I was already working when my father gave that mirror to me, before that mirror had a partner comb and small cloth packaging(don't know what happened I think I lost it). He did not give it to me directly, I just saw it in our house and got it because it looked good with my brown attache case bag. I guess I told him that I had it sooner or after five days, and my father said that he really bought it for me.....

When mommy gave me that ladylike comb, I was already working too... she said she just saw it in the market and wonder how it will look on me, so she bought it...
so those were the days when I was so used to have people around me, and people doing things for me....parents who cared for me and remembered me with or without occassion.

Looking at the mirror and the comb, reminds me of my past and how different I am now...Papa died 1997, sad but tolerable, I still have a mother anyway....then 2005, my mommy's turn to follow my father.... I can tell that my mother was caught between leaving me and joining my father, coz I know with the way her body swelled with liquid which she can't release anymore, I just told her to leave me with a condition that I should have one of my relatives with me. I was already shaking on the morning of her last monday on earth... My cousin arrived at exactly 3pm, my mother looked at her and died instantly....the sad part is when my mother died it was then that I missed my father too (again).....

And they often appeared in my dreams, and we were very happy as if it was the real thing, then I woke up with a few seconds of memory lapse because I was looking for them, only to realize both are dead, and our happy moments together never existed anymore in a real world... that thing often made me cry like a child lost in a mall or playground looking for adult companion....

My life has a lot of cross-roads when mother died, but God sent me my angels, and they give me enough joy, enough for me not to focus much on what's missing in my life

Reminders of my slowly deteriorating passion....

2008-03-14T12:00:00.000-07:00

Empowering myself, to fight all unnecessary feelings attached to living alone made me doubt myself and my heart's capacity to love other people, moreso another human male specie....I just felt like I don't want to be at the mercy of others just to have company.... I am happy that I am no longer the girl who can't live without her friends or company whereever she goes... I am happy that my everyday life no longer depends on a particular person, that I really don't feel awkward anymore if I am walking alone or going home alone, or shop alone, or eat alone...

That at present, I see myself very exhausted to express affection, care and even friendship. That I am becoming a friend in words,thoughts and heart (coz that's the best excuse) and yet too tired to be with them physically. Suddenly my idea of friendship does not mean constant togetherness, that there is always a special time for them but not necessarily everyday. That suddenly I realized that what I am trying to avoid is attachment, that I don't want to be affected whether somebody left, and I am always the one left behind....

And it is indeed very obvious that my overflowing affection is concentrated or limited only to my two dogs, Peso and Pissy, I mean, I don't just love these two little rascals they are also my priorities. They are like another human beings in my home and their presence in my life made me invincible to the absence of others.

But there are days when you try to look back and recall the passion in you before it gets to the deteriorating mode. And since anti-attachment pill does not really exist, and I am still a human being after all, sometimes, in the middle of the night and when dogs are sleeping soundly, simple things just melt me....Well it's alright to get mushy, I am alone anyway and only God will know....

The heartshaped pillow still occupies a space in my bed... and I don't remember planning to change its present location... Why should I, I don't feel any resentment anymore, all I just remember are memories of passionate me, and how heart ruled at that time.... that it's ok if it will remain in my bed forever, it may not mean still holding a torch for someone, but just a simple reminder that once upon a time in my life I was passionately in love, that I know how to love and appreciate human beings... that my life may end loving Peso and Pissy, but at least I know, I am capable to love and accept no matter what.....

Next day will be a different day... time to go back to reality, to what I love to do, and to what I think is comfortable for me..... 530 am walk the dog activity again.... I really look forward to wake up early and stroll with Peso and enjoy the nature and fresh air.... Passion may deteriorate from time to time but with today's high cost of living, who can think of passion when worrying how to make both ends meet..? When your dogs are sick and you don't have enough resources to sustain an above good life for them.? HOw can you be a good friend when you are not good to yourself... so I better think like this for now "I, me and my dogs".

Stroll 2

2008-03-05T15:32:00.000-08:00

A day with my dog, is a day I will always treasure.... I guess it will be a boring journey without Peso around... Because of my dog, walking became a pleasure, a relaxation, something that I really look forward too everyday especially during weekends.... We tried a different route this time...Inside Ponte Verde is Another big village called Lourdes, still it is a sloping land.... We went to the top of the highest slope and there is a cement stair going down... Peso has been attempting to go down there and it took me two weeks to decide to feel the thrill of walking to a new place where seldom walks to see the nature.....

Well you see we went down but there are still so much to see in the lower part...looks like we are standing on the part of the mountain... I wonder if Peso can appreciate them as much as I do...

From that Lourdes Village, we walked back to Ponte verde, and took the familiar path going home. Ponte Verde is at the foot of Lourdes but you can view Metro Manila from it.

We really don't need to go out of town for fresh air. We enjoy strolling really, made me forget why we stroll religiously, I to loss weight and Peso to keep him fit inspite of his perenial hernia....

Peso is obviously enjoying the day, I unleashed him to play on our way home....

We played fetch but he never returned it to me... instead he walked ahead of me, but never failed to look back to see if I am following him.
as always, our stroll ended with him going home with toy in his mouth... and I really adore him for that....

Sketches

2008-03-03T14:20:00.000-08:00

I found a more than a decage age old, sketches, the one I did when I was still in college. I have forgotten the major subject where that sketches was submitted, but as far as I can remember, what our professor wanted to see is our understanding of Cinematography.... at that time computer was still limited, so Storyboard making relied on the artists' hands, manual... makes me travel along memory lane, when my parents were still around. When happiness in life came so easy, when life was so easy and light. When all I need to think about was my studies. My foreigner Prof, gave me a 1.25 grade equivalent to 97%.. Quite proud of that. It just reflected what I really enjoyed doing.....That I don't just enjoy writing but sketching as well. And I really love to combine the two.....

And I made another storyboard, this time a Music Video Story Board of my favorite song then "Miss you like crazy" Reminds me of my college days. Reminds me of my Big Crush to a Basketball Player now an actor-commedianne, and how my affection to him was transferred to a classmate-friend, who has minor similarities with him (thich eyebrows, beautiful eyes). He saw that storyboard, and admired it...

Now I am already an adult, I realized those are the only remaining sketches that I did with my left hand.... my recent drawings, all computerized, using Paint, made me use my right hand to move the mouse.... so it's not in the hands, it's in the brain... that's why there are people without hands who can still draw with the use of their feet or mouth.... indeed art is wonderful....

Pissy

2008-02-27T12:00:00.000-08:00

Pissy my female dog, always remains behind the shadow of Peso....Peso without formal dog training is naturally smart, he learns easily. Pissy is different..Problems I never encountered with Peso, I encountered with her. She does not like to stroll, she does not want to be on leash, she does not like toys,she does not like to socialize with fellow dogs and she does not want to be cuddled. Unlike Peso who never resists when you hug him....

But then my little girl is very loveable eventhough she doesn't play fetch and won't react if you tease her like "poor girl no toys" (Peso is very reactive to that). She is smart in different ways.... Like she wakes me up in the morning, she reacts if you ask her if she's hungry, she's obedient, when you tell her to go home (in case we are strolling)she will go home without hesitation (which is always my problem with Peso coz my boy loves to play outside our house) during bath time, the first one to take a bath is Peso, I always tell her "Pissy get ready you're next", and she will climb the couch and sit there comfortable waiting for her turn though she hates taking a bath....

I realized Pissy is not really behind Peso, she is not as dull as I thought she was...In fact she has dominant traits. She will only show her affection depending on her mood, she will play only with other dogs and Peso if she feels like it...she does not like toys but you can rely on her at night, that she's guarding us. When it's time to stroll and she does not want to walk very far... She will just sit in one spot where she can see me and Peso, and she will stay there until we come back. When it comes to food, she's not picky (Peso is), and you are assured that she will finish her food without supervision (unlike Peso)

I love Pissy.... and I am guilty of my shortcomings to her...She is always left behind, I always left her in our garden when Peso and I need to stroll (Part of Peso's treatment for his hernia)but that is for her own safety coz I can't take care of her when I have my full attention to Peso. Because of Peso's medical expenses, my budget can't afford to bring another dog to the veterinarian. Poor Pissy has dandruff, and I am trying to treat her and give her relief from severe itch. in spite of my shortcomings, Pissy never complains, she still shows her affection to me in her preferred time but still I really love it when she wags her tail and the way she moves when she's playful...

So Pissy is not just another dog in my home.... she's like another human being taking all the sacrifices to share in my responsibilities...With God's help I know we can survive. God knows how much I love my angels

Stroll

2008-02-26T13:22:00.000-08:00

Out of love for my sick dog ( not obvious) I decided to give him quality time... my dog needs exercise (so do I)and contributing factor to his constipation is not having enough time to stroll and do his thing....Now I wake up early 4:00am (ideally) starting the day with Prayers with Peso beside me. Then we start strolling (must start strolling) by 5:30... I am quite lucky maybe living in a place quite close to nature, modern but the beauty of nature is maintained....

This is the path we usually pass by...sometimes I unleased Peso here and we play chaste... at the other side of the straight long path is a view of a mountain, Maybe that belongs to Rizal Province.

This is the view from the higher ground.

that's the highest part of the place. So aside from daily exercise, my dog and I also has an hour of bonding with nature... On our way back home we usually pass by this house , actually, it's just one of those beautiful houses that I admire in that place called "PONTE VERDE". The place has improved a lot....Peso was only a year old when we first strolled there, that was 2001. It was the best place to go to mend a broken heart, and I had with me my most patient companion (Peso). We stopped strolling because I thought the place became populated with dogs, and I don't want to drag my dog into dogfight.... But now amidst presence of other dogs, Peso and I, start strolling again, though my heart does not pain for someone anymore, but for the dog whose recovery is still uncertain, but then I am doing my best for him, and praying hard for him...definitely I will not stop strolling with him everyday and everynight, and I hope God will provide us more days,months,and years of quality stroll or "walk the dog" activities..... and I really thank him everyday for our time together.... so long it may continue...

Doc Said Peso might be needing surgery.....

2008-02-21T19:22:00.000-08:00

Just read an email coming from Dra. Yao of Pendragon vet clinic. She said that the pictures I sent her gave her an impression that Peso might be needing surgery and the effects of oatmeal and castor oil I'm giving him now are just temporary and might give long time side effect. But in fairness she said she still need to see Peso, so we'll see her on March 2.

Dra. Yao will the be the 2nd veterinarian to check on Peso's condition. The first veterinarian also suggested surgery.

Last January Peso had undergone enema because of impacted stool, I gave him oatmeal and high fiber diet after that, and it went on smoothly, but almost a month later, I brought him to vet again for another enema session... His first Vet said that, without the surgery, Enema process might become part of Peso's life, which is not good because he is being sedated before enema is done.

(Picture is showing Peso during one enema session, my dog has perineal hernia)

A forum-mate that I met through dog websites referred my case to Dra. Yao, which I think can win my confidence....

So what am I feeling lately.....I cannot explain it... quite similar to the feelings I had when my mother was still alive and very sick...I am worried of so many things. I am worrying about Peso.. can this surgery make him live longer? money, for how long can I sustain the high cost of Peso's medication? And a lot more concerns after the operation....

I just thought that two years after my mom died, my life will be "worry free", that I will have rest from financial worrying.... and now aside from shortcoming from finances, I am back to the situation of bringing love ones to hospital and worry all by myself. The only difference is I am bringing a dog to a Veterinary clinic, but the feeling is the same..... feels like I want to complain.... feels like I want to panic, that just like my parents, Peso will also leave me... I guess I am so afraid of love ones getting sick and didn't recover..... hope it's different case this time....

My Peso when not constipated is still a very active dog.... my fitness partners everymorning and everynight, my good companion (no dull moments with him and my other dog too), hope the surgery will really solve the problem....

But then I still hope for the best... I am scheduled to bring Peso to Dra. Yao on March 2, not yet for surgery but for check up only to confirm his condition and if he really needs surgery... I am hoping for the best..... Jesus please heal my dog....

Peso's First Comic Strip

2008-02-20T23:18:00.000-08:00

It's my dream to have a compilation of My Peso's comics strips, I will write the story line and get an artist to do the drawing... this is the first series... this dream once took the backseat of my priorities, because I found Video making more exciting and realistic.

But After more than a year I realized it's best to resurrect my Peso comics dream,especially now that I have joined a website wherein I can always post the comics for viewing pleasure of my "forum-mates". I wish someday, I will have a chance to improve my sketching skill, so that I will not need to hire artist anymore. I'll be very proud to be the only one behind the Legacy of my Ideal Dog.

Magical

2008-02-14T19:35:00.000-08:00

I'm into my magical moments again.... meaning....my heart after months of silence, is about to break free again looking for something that it used to beat for.... Yes I am alive, still know how to love a man...but sadly the same man....why do we have days like these, when all of the sudden you miss the person.... then to torture yourself more, you'll browse all his former emails and recall the way you were with him.....missing him most when reading his old notes telling you how he missed, and loved you.....etc... still feeling the pain when crossed upon his email, asking for space... etc.... The last time we were together was seven months ago... the separation is much more expected that I really spent time with him until his last day in the office...no communication after that...for me it's an assumed separation.... it's painless, coz we were ok during that last day
I hope he is okey...and I don't want to think anymore if I am still
a part of his thoughts.... but I better believe he has stopped thinking of me...the way I thought I have forgotten all about him, especially when my dogs are sick...

I love him but I am always a world away during the crucial times of his life....Our love story ends as expected....and I understand very clearly now that love and priority are two different things. but then the attachment of one from another is very important, or you will end up just loving him in silence and wait for that feeling to fade completely.... in my case I am not in immediate need to forget him.... I am already at the point of loving him when I know I will never get hurt anymore.....

Begging for God's mercy

2008-02-14T00:02:00.000-08:00

Dear God,
I know I never really talk to you regularly, but I would like to believe you are always there watching me... You know everything about me, even my darkest secrets...even what my heart desires these days.... In fact I don't really need to write this, you already knew it....but then I still want it written here, so that i won't forget.......

Both angels that you sent me is sick.....Peso has perineal hernia and Pissy has skin problem.... my financial capacity is limited so I will really need to choose painfully the most urgent one.... Peso must be first coz when not treated his regular bowel movement is affected..... but then surgery can't guarantee to heal it all... even the anesthetics for that surgery will be too risky for my 7 year old Peso, living me with no choice, then there is one Dra.Yao Whom I hope will give light to this problem....God can you please heal my dog. Well at least may that doctor be the one to cure him without surgery? I really beg you to at least give my dog more years with me, I am just about to begin my new life since my mother died, can you give me more time to heal first before you get your angel back away from me?

Also Lord, can you grant your other angel Pissy more strength, coz Peso's sickness and expenses stop me from bringing her to veterinarian too. She is a poor girl, always the last priority but I really love her too.... Lord Can you give other test for my strength setting aside my angels?.. can you just let them be with me while I am still recuperating from my losses in the past.....can I gather more strength first before you get them back? Promise I won't wish for more... just few more years of my Angels life?

Sorry if I sound like I have no faith..... I really trust you Lord....and thy will be done....but I hope you understand me too....I thank you for everything, especially for bringing me these two angels during the most crucial part of my life...I neglected them somehow when my mom was alive and very sick, and yet they gave me joy and strength.. I am just beginning to repay them... I believe you sent them to me to realize life, that I am not totally alone, that thru them I have someone Like YOU.....

Please LORD, I don't want to promise anything...but then I will try to be a better person...

Begging for your mercy

Maricel

Talking about dogs

2008-02-12T18:11:00.000-08:00

Dogs Dogs Dogs.... I know not everybody that co-exists with me understands what I really enjoy....I am happy living my life with my dogs.....I can't even notice that I was alone for quite a long time now.... I am becoming systematic because of them... When Peso became constantly constipated, and developed perinial hernia afterwards, I decided to do the right thing so that Peso can always make popo without fear and pressure, anywhere or everywhere he likes..... I made it a commitment to pick up the popo where ever we are with or without someone watching us.... so when ever my dog and I go out to stroll I always bring papers with me. Because Peso needs daily exercize I decided to wake up early and set 530-630 am as our stroll or "walk the dog" schedule, this new activity is good not only for Peso but also for me.... I have a daily exercise and I will not need to worry about getting late for work. I set my alarm clocks at 4 am but I really get up at 5am, I pray the rosary with Peso beside me and then we dress up for our morning stroll. when I arrived home, I made it a point to bring out the dog to stroll as early as I can, then I will prepare dinner and then prepare to sleep so that we can wake up early again the following day.... I am enjoying this minor changes in my life...and I guess my dogs love it when I give them quality time....really my dogs are my angels in disguise....

I miss talking about love......

2008-02-12T14:39:00.000-08:00

I learned to love maturely... meaning, loving the same person in silence...no more bitterness just shrugging of shoulders as if telling myself "that's life". What ever it is the caused me pains before, they are all part of the love that I know I will never regret.... It just that....I can't see myself falling in love with another person.... not yet....though I am not hoping anymore... I guess loving someone intensely makes me feel fulfilled, and whether or not new love comes along, I guess I am okey....now my dogs have my undivided affection (they used to have only 70% of it hahaha...). Learning to set aside resentments and loving my dogs more than I have loved the person( but still no male can equal what I felt for him). I've been busy taking care of my dogs, buy them clothes, panic when they are sick, having my two doggies are really like home..... And if God will allow, and give me a good source of living, I will just choose to stay home taking care of them.... I just can't feel it in my heart to long for a new love coz when I think of love I always ended up thinking of the same man.... why not, he is still the closest man in my life...Next to God he is the only one who knows me inside and out. I am not closing my door to friendship, it may not be possible now but I know someday we can become friends again without complications.... I've been busy picking up the pieces of my life.... working on the backlogs and spill overs of the previous years..... but I am only human.... and that being constantly reminds me that I have never talked about love for a long time.....after 10 crazy years loving only one man....but then I am thankful I never longed for love desperately, I never look for a lover desperately.....I guess single life is okey....I just can't force myself to like someone just for the sake of having a someone in my life... I guess I am happy this way.... at this point of my life, the only man that can get my attention is a Veterinarian.... I just can't talk about love... not at this time that I know who is still holding my heart....

My new life

2008-02-11T14:15:00.000-08:00

It seems that pains that used to affect my life has finally lost its magic.... life is becoming good, and the changes is making me nervous....I set aside matters of the heart because my dogs are taking the most of my time..... My very dear Peso developed a perinial hernia because of his severe constipation.... His vet suggested operation but I can't just agree to it for some considerations..... my dog is 7 years old, and the vet can't guarantee how he will react to anesthetics, I will spend and yet no one can assure me if my dog will be okey after the surgery.... I was depressed for one week, asking my God if I really dont have a choice, I asked other vet and they told me to consider the conventional method... meaning watch Peso's diet so that he can maintain a soft popo... My dog is happy dog, he is eating oatmeal with other combinations, I add Virgin coconut oil too. Peso's bowel movement became regular and without much effort... thanks to fiber....but then just last week I was force to bring him to vet because he was constipated again, and enema was done to him for the 2nd time..... I am talking a another vet now, she said she wanted to see my dog first....

I hope Peso will get better without surgery, I am not ready to a life without my dog, he was my constant companion (Pissy) during my struggles in life....He and Pissy were the best companions during the first weeks when mommy died.... I just love my dogs so much.....

Welcome back

2008-01-04T00:56:00.001-08:00

It's 2008 now, I guess I haven't blog here for years..... I read all my previous blogs especially those in 2005. It brought back memories when I had so much pain and hatred, but it made me smile because, some changes have occured in my life.... Fears and and questions now have answers.... There are greater improvement and maturity in some areas but I know there are still more challenges ahead.......

This is just a beginning... I will start blogging again.. writing about my life at present....and definitely my dogs pictures will always be a part of it

PASSION

2006-04-10T03:00:00.000-07:00

CONSTRAINTS

2005-12-26T01:14:00.000-08:00

It was surprisingly happy, a christmas that I expected to soaked me into a lonelier situation, is apparently happier than I've expected. It was simple but meaningful...making me realized how important it is to be with loves ones especially this holiday season... but there are constraints beyond my control.. like not being able to get in touch with other relatives like my auntie's and cousins at my father's side, financial limitations led me to just stay at auntie's house for the whole day... not that I'm running away from my yearly obligation to my god children, it's just that aside from what I can afford to give, I can feel I don't have the energy to go out and greet everybody....I wonder if I just focused so much on the void that I feel, that I can't have the luxury of time and energy to reach out. Or am I really beginning to enjoy my solitude.... 2005 is really a life of too much constraints, pains, and all things that still makes me feel tired....I want to be myself..... I want to be free..... I just hope love ones can understand my situation in case I really can't get in touched. I'm so tired.....My financial status is still a problem, I guess I need to hold on to what I have now coz next year can be a harder year....and I'm all alone....not visiting them would not mean I care less, I just need to consider myself first above all....This is the time when I know I can't sacrifice. It's about time to consider what I know can make me happy.....inspite of constraints....

Solitude

2005-12-22T16:43:00.000-08:00

Again I chose my solitude....this is the kind of mood that I seldom feel when even if I want to I can't seem to bring back the jovial mood that I usually have... anyway I decided not to join the group,even at some point in my heart I know I should join them, but hearing what they're talking about, maybe it's better that I should just stay here in my lonely corner....

I'm trying to recall my dream last night or this early dawn, I can't remember it but I know I woke up because I was at the point of crying again.... I can't tell of the reasons, it can be any of those major setbacks in my life.... My parents who left me for a better world, and a special someone who just turned his back on me. Major events in my life that I tried not to affect me....but those sad dreams can be a reflection of what really pains me in my subconcious mind.... but happiness that I expressed prior to my present mood now, were never pretensions... I really just don't feel good.... it can be a holiday fright, because whether I admit it or not, I will be celebrating the loneliest christmas of my life.... too many losses.....parents and even the lost of insignificant other.

All of those I tried to ignore because I believe there are so many things that I should do first... This is my busiest christmas season. I am always in hurry, sleeping to sampaloc then return to Marikina, always rushing to buy something for christmas parties and family reunion, I was even assigned to collect raffle prizes from one office to another. During this season also, I allowed myself to get overwhelmed by material things...by the gifts I recieved which completed majority of my wishlists....

Maybe everything was set for me in 2005.... on my first christmas without mommy I have my closest relatives with me who demand my presence during all the holiday celebrations....

At this moment if you would want to know what I really want to do... I want to go home to Marikina, coz I'm missing my doggies already....especially my Peso....

Blocking

2005-12-19T04:12:00.000-08:00

Anything with a hole, should be blocked. But depending on its purpose in your life, blocking may not be really that necessary. This hole in my life is about the void that I sometimes feel. I know my life is happier now..... realizing I can go on after he turned his back on me. That surprisingly, I was not as hurt and bitter as before.... I feel pain yes but it did not dominantly rule my life now... suddenly other things matter the most.... I am happy with the development in my job, I'm happy with my friends and relatives, and I now remember laughing hard again coz I can't remember the last great laugh that I had.....but sometimes in my happiness, there's this one corner that pinched my fancy, enough for me to remember him, how I used to consider him first above all things.... I always ask myself if I will be happier if we're still together, or will I still ache to his overwhelming rollercoaster affection....then I will miss him....when I miss him recollection follows, how we were before, how his love brought clouds all around me. But to stop the missing him symdrome, I honestly tell myself that we no longer feel the same anymore.... that I'm the only one missing him, and it's next to impossible for him to miss me....that he never really loved me, that he is just good in pretending. Those things help me not to indulge in loneliness of not having someone. Maybe when a relationship is meant to end, even in the presence of love in your heart, you will let go, no pulling of sleeve, no need to ask why, no need to talk about it.... I never really believe in formal break up.... but I know it's over...no matter how fool you were just to please him, if it's over it's over. It's becoming my habit to block anything that will lead me to miss him.... it's about time to protect myself from pain... I know I have suffered a lot, now I deserve to be happy. I don't really wish for another hero to uplift my once breaking ego.... I don't believe I will need one in order to forget one.... I know I will be happier, even without men in my life.... and that independence will be my asset to attract the right person, if God permits.

Changing the Meaning of Christmas

2005-12-12T21:44:00.000-08:00

Now I understand, with the present economic situation in the Philippines, some part of our lives will experience some great effects, including the way we see Christmas... I don't intend to take some things seriously, but this is just a comment, my own opinion base on what I observed since childhood days, and my own interpretation of the judgements of others, just like looking at things in a different light... Christmas is always the happiest times of the year, and the Christmas decorations add glitters to the festive moods... here in the Philippines, the Parol or Lantern is the main decorations followed by Christmas lights..... this parol is normally hang on the window, outside the house, some to the highest part of the house etc... actually not only the "parol", all christmas decors are normally place on obvious locations, even christmas socks for santa, the christmas lights on the wall, the misletoe, and everything....the star which is the normal shape of a parol, does not only mean a "star", it is a symbol....on the day of Jesus' Birth, the three kings were guided by a Star... that is why the, the Parol is hang or place in the highest part of the house, coz it's a symbol of guidance, a symbol of Christmas.....I have never seen a parol placed on the floor, if that guiding star was on the floor on that first christmas eve, can it guide the Three kings to the Manger? so why am I writing this, my reason can be superficial, but this is just my opinion, and I'm free not to agree on judgement coz by initial excitement....Yes it is exciting enough to see a human parol, they're unique and creative but if they are on the floor, they are less impressive.. How can they symbolized christmas if they are on the floor, A parol is meant to be seen, coz of its obvious locations. So how can a christmas decor win when no one can't seem to see it, unless curiouse people will go to them intendedly.... unless originality is the key to the contest plus the effort of the participant to lie on the floor, maybe they really deserve to win... but if I will base it on reality, I guess they forgot to consider the real purpose of the parol, and how they are being displayed traditionally, I don't think they are really above others. Unless I'll base it to our economy which is always down, maybe that's the way the christmas decors will be in the future.... on the floor where nobody can see, only those who can afford christmas can see it....

So in case we use mistletoe here in the Philippines, this is what we're going to say "hey you're above the mistletoe, you must kiss" or tell our children, "Santa will give your gifts bring out your socks and put it on the floor", and lastly "hey, nice lantern, it fits your floor, where did you buy it?"

Again, opinion lang po, walang personalan

The Dead End

2005-12-01T19:52:00.000-08:00

Being in love can never indicate one's happiness... there's this one corner of my life that brings out various pains in me but I don't seem to realize it. Now the tyranny of that corner is beginning to fill the air again, and I'm having a hard time to breath... it's so heavy.....it's sad really....that after devoting years of loving a person, after neglecting my values, I will only realize that the one I love can't even love me back...of course I don't really ask for 100% return,what I only wanted is a simple affection that I used to feel.... I know deep inside I am not happy anymore...but it does not mean I have run out of love....and that's the saddest part, no longer happy in relationship but still so much in love with the person...so I can't let go... and though right now I admit I am just waiting for him to damp me, I'm beginning to prepare myself for it.... I can only move on when he tells me in my face that "it's the end", I can only move on when he tells me....It can never start from me.....coz I'm not so sure if I can stand firm for it.... but then maybe we don't really need to talk about it.... It's obvious... I can feel it... only the one who never loves can hurt somebody consciously.. He knows I will get hurt but he never ceased to do things that can hurt me... and it's becoming so unfair coz I am not allowed to talk it over to him...he'll simply damp me.... now I decided, I will just try to stay away from him..if he didn't call I won't ask anymore....I will never get in touch...I'll bear the longing as I bear all the pain he gave me...I will just disappear in his life...instantly...no more talks....no more notes...it's simply the dead end....a lesson learned, "I will appreciate all people who express their care and love for me, that I will always tell them and remind them that they are very dear and important to me no matter how seldom we get in touch"... coz now I know how it felt to care for someone, and that someone simply doesn't care if you care...does not care how you feel...does not care what you did for him....I know friends will ask me why it took me so much time to realize all these...my reason is simple, when a person made you fell in love, you'll never realized his bad side, but when the time comes you discovered it, you already learned to reserve allowances, like he's not perfect and everybody has its own imperfection...but then love is a two way traffic...love is give and take......love is making you feel love, love is accepting everything about you, including your pets...love is trying to reach your place no matter how the neighbors look at you...love is thinking not only of yourself but also of others...love is waiting and believing....love is trying to make your love ones happy, love is not having tantrums when you don't get want you want....love is not for sale, you don't spend just to have it, the same way that you give it and not sell it.....all of these I don't see or feel anymore.......if you don't know me enough....you might think that I am probably in love with the best person in the world, coz it looks like I have exchanged everything for him..... the truth is, it's the other way around....I may not be the best woman in the world but I know he was the one luckier when I chose him above others...I guess my love for him made him think he's worthy of everything..... I know soon he'll regret this.....but dead end?

Latest about My Peso

2005-11-09T20:15:00.000-08:00

Peso never fails to make me laugh and surprises me by his witty gestures. Just last night he imitated me. I was rushing to watch my favorite "Engkantadia", and to make myself more comfortable, I went to my bedroom to get a pillow, Peso followed me, as if he is rushing too... so I went out of my bedroom bringing my pillow, and when I looked at Peso he was walking right behind me bringing his favorite stuff toy, ratty. For those who do not know, Ratty is Peso's favorite toy...It was mommy's gift to him 2 christmases ago. Peso also assumed that my bedroom is also his bedroom, so Ratty is always in my bed because Peso never sleeps without Ratty by his side. So finally Peso is in his playful mood again....he was restless for the past two weeks amd I'm glad it's over...

Red ink pen

2005-10-10T19:10:00.000-07:00

RED INK PEN, normally used for the purpose of correcting one's mistake,for checking one's advantage...It is Red because, it can stand out, and the one involves can easily realized his mistakes and how he did it...It's a good thing that I have a blog that can absorb all my complains no matter how irrational it can be....if I told the person directly everything that I said in my MAZE Episode, we are probably not in speaking terms these days....Not all that my mind told me is true, it was my heart dictating my brain..you know when the heart thought it's in its way of getting broken, it pours out unreasonable thoughts...foolishly hurting itself by thinking how the others neglect them just like that...but it was proven untrue...and I ended up laughing at myself...so this blog is a Red Ink Pen, Intendedly written to correct some words that I've written in "MAZE"....Life is not really that bad.....that I am not as neglected as I thought I was..that I was missed and eventually important, on what level I really don't need to know....but the point is, some thing must be corrected so hope this one serves...

MAZE

2005-10-05T12:01:00.000-07:00

job, call of duty, what a good excuse to leave me slowly.....and do you think I have rest while you're gone? some have a notion that you volunteered to be assigned there coz it;s more practical....you spend less fare, free lunch, merienda and dinner....and I was told even pressure is lesser there....plenty of things to do but with much less pressure....all those conveniences in exchange of my presence in your life... and you can't even call me....a friend told me how uncomfortable it is to use two telephones for personal reasons, and besides it's too crowded there, and so many bosses too....so at least you have another reasons not to get in touch.... what a good excuse to avoid me....of course you can text me in your own free will.... but you never text me....life is hard, 1 peso is too expensive to inform someone of your present activities, is it really too expensive you can't even tell me that you miss me too...or at least give me a hint that you are also in the dilemma of not having me around??or just plain tell me the truth? or really those conveniences are everything for you.... again you are making me feel like the least important person in your life.... what is this? is this another hint of letting go?what are we afraid of? why am I so afraid of not having you around when most of the time I doubt your love for me.... will I again convince myself of this foolishness that "at least I love you, you don't have much time so I will always make time for you." (sigh) Funny you don't seem to realize things that I do for you.... so what am I doing here loving you.....damn it.. you don't even need my love... why do you always return to me after a break up...why can't you decide with all your strength? again I am thinking of forgetting you... to be away from you permanently... why am I loving you when you don;t love me enough.... why can't you get in touch when you know you have me....don't you want me anymore? or you want to get the best of both worlds, pleasing the other, while still having me and yet making me wait until the situation gets cold...so while you're there happy and comfortable, I am here sad and alone with no idea of your intentions....and you are there in full confidence that I will always accept you, no matter how often you hurt me....you did it before....why not now....again, where am I? MAZE? with directions from left to right to front to back where am I going? It's fun inside this Maze, but the fascination in it is superficial,it gives you a sudden high, but will pull you down in a wink of an eye, it wears off easily, just like anything that melts under the sun... Have I lost my sanity that I can't find my way out....or is it me really, putting myself into this trap?

adjusting.....

2005-10-04T15:20:00.000-07:00

Just learned a lesson.... well I knew this but I didn't apply it to my life....anyway, I have learned the importance of flexibility in this ever changing life....that comfort zone should not be treated seriously.....coz once you became so attached to it, your initial reaction to change is another form of exaggerations...and you can never believe how unreasonable you are....I am so unreasonable coz I can't stop my annoyance to changes that just affected my life.....I cannot believe it....Gosh for three months....or more.....with limited communications....Ok Ok there's nothing I can do about it..it's the job that matters here.... now I'm beginning to teach myself how to live alone again....I mean it's just a temporary thing in our lives, but I guess practice is necessary. I really feel so uncomfortable with the situation that if I don't control myself, I will make another drastic move that can mean a disaster to me... there are so many things that I should do.....i'll bear the pain....the void.....I will be used to it I know.... but for the mean time....I wish I can express what I feel.....(sigh).....wish I can communicate through my productive mind......and may the one whom I wish to communicate with me feels the same intensity......time to apply the lesson...I have never learned......refuse to learn? whatever...."Miss you Peso peso wish you're here beside Ate..."

Slow dance

2005-10-03T14:04:00.000-07:00

A day before my birthday, I was given a hint that I can never expect a happier birthday... Sad as usual. I really feel so sad...hopeless....making me feel like my life is a slow dance....dancing to the tune of equally slow and eerie music, no one knows when will it stop....I can feel life as a long dark tunnel of sadness...and I am so alone in the dark....love ones left....some dreams gone...there's this one who provided light when everything seems so dull and dark...time has changed, situations followed, I just woke up the following day realizing that the only one whom I thought provided me light,can't even flicker for me....he is there and I am left with mixed emotions...in total darkness.... it pains me...slowly....like a slow dance...I'm not even sure what can calm me down....it hurts missing everybody when there's nothing you can do but to just think of them....and memories prolong pain, agony...life is really a slow dance for me...too slow it bores me....poor Peso, poor Pissy....they didn't know what Ate's pain, coz' when she's with them all she does is shower them with love and care...what will happen to them if Ate will give in to this slow dance....I don;t want them to feel what I'm feeling...don't want them to join me in my slowdance....

My Peso Story

2005-09-29T17:28:00.000-07:00

My Adorable Dog

I called him Peso....the love of my life...he's a God's gift to me...a stuff toy brought to life.....my guardian angel in disguise....a younger brother that I never had... I'm proud to tell the world, I have a dog like him... when he sleeps he is like a baby.....he loves to lie down on a soft cushioned bed, couch and plenty of pillows...he preferred the electric fan on....

I always love to spoil him....

and when he eats...he knows his place in the dining table...and you will know if he likes what you're cooking...even if you don't call him, you'll see him on the dining table sitting on his favorite chair...waiting to be served....well years of talking to him made me believe he understands everything that I told him...2 christmases ago, mommy gave him a gift, a small ratty stuff toy...so I named it ratty..

Ratty is his favorite toy....he normally brings it out from our bedroom when he likes my visitors....sometimes..he just love showing it to children of our guests, but never let them touch it..... but before ratty came to his life...Peso loves to play ball.... I even call him my MVP... his ninang betchay gave him a ball on his first christmas....Peso used to love balls that he thought all the balls that landed in our garden is his...he even went to one basketball court in our subdivision...thinking that the group of young men were playing with his ball....I believe as a basketball player....Peso is a good defensive player..

he really knows how to protect his ball....

When not playing...peso takes care of ate's other dog... Pissy...Peso-peso is really a very good dog who hates to take a bath....but still ate loves him very much

well...that's my peso.. (My better version of this is more colorful; supported by pictures that help narrates the story)

I was Born in the year of the Rooster

2005-09-13T03:04:00.000-07:00

Yes I was born in the year of the rooster...this is supposed to be my year....12 years ago, 1993 It was the happiest year of my life...until now I can't remember a year that surpassed it's happiness. This year 2005, is my year.....it is also the worst year so far....twelve years ago I look forward to this year, thinking that something good will happen again...but I was wrong......this is the worst year of my life, and I hope nothing worst will happen to me in the coming years....aside from my financial problems, I lost my mother....and until now I really don't know how to cure myself. I still cry when I remember her....then I decided to lost something, maybe it's bad but it was my choice....one of my support system ended, again it's another blow to my ever dying financial stand....so i was forced to apply for a GSIS salary loan. It was more than a disaster... it was a huge loan and yet I got less than what I've expected....too many deductions some were caused by their (inefficient records ..now tell me who's to be blamed)imagine charging emergency loan balance which I have paid in full last year...they deducted some of my loans with over over interest...and yet they are too slow in refunding what they charged me...what a nice Bday gift....then the promotion..of course I did not make it.. what's new......then there's this problem with sweetheart...though were ok now... well I don't know what's next.....3 months to go to end my year of the rooster...funny....hope I'll have a better year next year.... better year, meaning I'll be leaving PMS, I'll be having higher income and most of all i'll be having a baby??I hope I can afford it all next year...

CALM DOWN

2005-09-06T10:48:00.000-07:00

Now I know what I should do, whenever I feel I can kill somebody because of too much hatred, grudge,,fury...I'll just look at my two loveable doggies, and let me remind myself that I am more of a loving person, that just like my dogs "I don't bite unless I am threatened". I hate my neighborhood...I hate most of the tricycle drivers there...I guess because of hardship in life they became mean to some whom they think is a big threat to their source of living....OK I should understand them...you know, hard life, lack of education, no enough values acquired....but then I don't believe hardship or lack of education can be an excuse for being impolite to others...in fact even those with complete college education sometimes acts as if they've never been to school eversince..I'm one those... and I recognized that mistake in my part...why should I stoop down to their level? OK they are so proud... you're at their mercy....there's no other way to reach the subdivision but just the "tricycle"...I am not rich enough to take a cab everyday. Boy they just ruin my day.... how can they be so proud...is that a kind of depense mechanism....? I hate them all, some of them I have cursed before...so at the height of fury, it's then I realized the need for prayers...Forgive me Lord for the kind of hatred I have for those people...give me strenth....help me calm down....don't allow blood to flow in my hands...please guide those people...please enlighten them....hope one day they'll wake up knowing the importance of respect for fellowmen...."" I really love my dogs....They're the positive aura in my life..

I envy Peso when I watch him asleep

2005-08-31T16:15:00.000-07:00

(This is just a revival..I published this December of last year...Just saw the picture and realized that it fits one of my blogs...honestly that's not where peso really sleeps. it was just one of his afternoon naps. Things have changed...mom died last may...so some of the things here were not updated anymore,I changed one word in the title)

It's a routinary scene everynight...when I prepared my bedroom for I sleep. I sprayed insect killer and Air freshener, turned off the light to open the lampshade, then turn on the electric fan...But I'm not going to sleep yet...it's peso who's ready to fall asleep, and he knows exactly when it's time to enter the bedroom. He knows his place in the bed and he assumed that the extra pillow is his....he has several positions when he is in deep sleep, the cutest are when he is lying flatly on the bed and when he leaned his head on the pillow, I enjoyed watching him not only because of his adorable cuteness, but also because of the peace that I see in him. I guess he never really had the so called troubled sleep... a kind of sleep common to emotionally disturb people. He is a picture of confidence to a brighter tomorrow, that I will always be around to feed him, bath him(no matter how he hates it), to take care of him and to love him as if he is my baby..... I can't remember the last time I slept that way....I guess it was more than a decade ago. When my father was still alive and my mother was still as dependable as ever...I guess when you accept your responsibilities and roles in life, you'll have fewer sleep. When i worry with my mom's health, I have little sleep...When I remember my other debts, I can't really sleep...But at least I'm thankful I still have my mom around, I'm thankful of my two loveable doggies, and most of all I'm thankful I was able to finish one episode of my life when I thought loneliness could kill me....at least my sleepless nights are not all worthless....coz I dedicated it to those who deserve my unconditional love...

I hate......I hate ...I hate...!!!!!

2005-08-29T22:05:00.000-07:00

Peso is not happy there..he is mad and annoyed....what I'm feeling now is similar to that.. or even worse....yesterday was a holiday and I was not happy for that....holidays are for the rich...not for me...I'm expecting my salary on monday and the Government declared the holiday late....my situation then was close to pathetic and I hate the world for it....I have no more budget for monday....I almost beg coz I need to feed my dogs and myself as well....I have so much hatred deep within me...I hate the tricycle drivers at our neighborhood, I hate one neighbor, I hate those who never understood what it felt like to have nothing to spend for simple basic needs....I hate those who don't consider my comments...I hate to celebrate somebody else's departure... I hate to join them in party.. I hate people who excanged their principles for money.!!I hate being told that I should befriend May Manauis coz someday I'm going to need her...damn you all!!!!

"why dog's picture in my blog post?"

2005-08-23T12:01:00.000-07:00

He is no ordinary dog...he's the dog of my life....my adorable dog...a younger brother that I never had, my guardian angel in disguise..... I called him "PESO"....a name no one can forget...

From now on Peso will be a part of my blog, as he portrays a big role in my life....so why him?he is the positive aspect of my life. He represents the loving part of me....He is like a friendly soul sent to me by God, so that I can always stand up after all the sorrows I've encountered in my life...Peso made me recover faster when mommy died....he sees me when I cried, he's the very first man ever to see me naked(hahaha), he always follow me wherever I go....and he never sleeps without me....so we are really inseparable unless I'm in the office.... Now that I'm all alone, I depend a lot to Peso....Passing all the responsibilities to him when I'm not home....I guess of all the dogs I had, PESO will be one to stay with me even after this lifetime...

Why I blog.....

2005-08-23T10:00:00.000-07:00

I blog for one and only reason...And that is to "write"...blogging allowed me to express my writing itches....my sentiments....my unexposed world....my guardian angels that bark...my inspirations...my love....blogging enhances the creativity hidden at the depth of my innermost persona. Now is the proper time...let's one prolific mind be cultivated....

Wait a minute....

2005-08-23T01:32:00.000-07:00

< Well I'm not done with my dogs episode yet...I mean..Peso is not my only dog....I have a 1 year old girl and I called her "Pissy", short for Piseta, which means another Philippine Currency or Peso counterpart...She is not as smart as Peso but she has her own talent....well she can stand up and balance for a longer seconds or minutes...she does not understand everything that I told her but her playful attitude and sweetness made me very very fond of her..just take a look...she looks wild but she's really sweet and polite..

Relationship in a higher level

2005-08-15T12:07:00.000-07:00

I've been in a relationship for years now...and it's only just now that I realized how deeply I got involved in it....I am in a way happy..but I have fears....now that I completely committed myself to it, now I realized all the possibilities....now I am beginning to feel so depensive of my being...that my parents' raised me well, that whatever choices I made in my life it's my own personal decision and I'm the only one to be blamed...That I am once a good girl and this choice that I made is the only blemish in my being....now I'm one of those that I used to observe...now I'm one of those who decided to live with a wrong decision in exchange of pleasures that only heart can recognize....but i don't regret what I did...I am just beginning to accept the new me.....the me that my love ones never knew exists....I guess it's really saying goodbye to the old me..including my values.....but I swear not to be that different to my old me....I will always try to maintain and set my limitations....and try to be extra careful....I mean I pray for God's guidance... I know how I disappointed him...I know he did so many things so that I can always maintain the old me...it was me really....

Yearly sentiments

2005-07-22T09:46:00.000-07:00

Now I realized,,Spiderman is right... no matter what you do for them, at the end of everything, it's all your mistakes that they remember....I guess I'm a victim of that fate...and I guess I am left for no other choice but to temporarily stay to where I am, no matter how bad they made me feel, and how they bring out the worst in me....I believe I can always do better, but I don't think I can survive in a surrounding that nobody trusts me....nobody trusts me that I can do it, or they just can't accept the fact maybe that an admin assistant has a potential to be like them, or shall I say....I am maybe in a very wrong world, and it's only me insisting that things will soon work out fine, that maybe I never made the worst decisions of my life....Sometimes even I don't know what I can do to PMS anymore,that I've no choice but to search for the root of everything..where shall I start? did I make the first wrong decision after highschool? choosing the wrong course, It should have been journalism not broadcasting?fine arts? is it my backing out from a computer science course at St. Paul's Manila? or it's not the course..it's the kind of job that I chose to start, where eventually i did not survive....it's the wrong notion maybe, that everything has it simple beginning, that it's a natural thing that I started as clerk or as a secretary. I should insist on my potentials....or maybe it's not the job...maybe it's the culture that I have seen from the start...that the technical staff is always above superior than an admins staff....technical staff has more potentials, it's what they will always feel that comes first...never mind about what an admin staff feels...ok....maybe I'll just accept I have an attitude....I'm so outspoken and I say what I want no matter who you are.....but I'm just defending myself coz no once gonna do it but me....but helllo am I the worst person in PMS? am I the most inefficient?(though I don't accept that I am).

missing mommy

2005-07-21T14:16:00.000-07:00

I was riding a tricycle from our subdivision to FX station when I suddenly remember mommy, and I can't help but cry...I miss mommy so much, especially at this time when my finances is in danger again. at least before even if mommy is sicked, still I am not alone...I really feel so alone.....I often dream of mommy..I know last night I dreamed of her.....but i can't remember what it's all about....

Again?

2005-07-08T18:12:00.000-07:00

Four years ago of January, Erap was faced with various cases which led to his exile....now its GMA's turn to taste the bitter part of being a President. When some of her trusted cabinet secretaries turned their backs on her, requesting her to resign...again we are waiting.....again we will welcome a change in government..maybe again we will welcome another PMS Head.....ay naku puro simula....

Not yet adjusted

2005-07-07T21:44:00.000-07:00

I'm still in the office right now...overtime....it's SONA month for those not too familiar, it is "state of the nation address" of the president..yes we're working to death inspite of all the controversies.. trabaho lang....well me i'm still not adjusted to my new situation now coz I still go home early even if it's only peso and pissy waiting for me...I still don't go out on a gimmick. I know I should now make a move to point myself to a new direction...I should strive for improvement..or shall I say higher income. Well I know I can't do it right away...I still have so many things to fix....gosh my leave credit is pathetic.....almost nothing left to my salary...the good thing is, I don't worry much now if I have only a hundred in my pocket...the advantage of missing mommy, I don't worry anymore for her medicines, and more delicious food. I can survive with anything with my dogs...hehehe, but you know I believe that God provides.....i can feel it everyday....hehe

Recovering

2005-06-21T13:00:00.000-07:00

I'm beginning to live a normal life without mommy, doing the same things that I did before mommy died....the difference now is I take care only of 2 dogs...and I'm the only human being in my home...deep inside me, I'm still very sad, and I feel it still so unfair not to have my parents,when I still don't have my own family,..yeah I do have a relationship and a someone but, it can't cover up for the loss...I mean....I'm thinking on putting an end to it coz' aside from the fact that it does not have a future, it just don't make me feel for the joy that I used to feel... Maybe I should really start a new life alone....and focus on thing that I really need (money) and those that I really love (my dogs)which stays with me in my home and waits for me when I'm out for work... I know my relatives and friends care for me but they are not with me when I'm home....my dogs are few of those things that I can call my own....they are my companions, and they are with me when I sleep and they wake me up in the morning...I guess it's a wise decision to go back to my own house...

Tuesday morning irritations

2005-06-13T17:39:00.000-07:00

As I walk my way going to office, all that I have in mind is the annoyance I felt for some people... I was thinking of Marissa, it's almost payday and I don't know how much should I pay her....will I pay her less than what we agreed when mommy was alive? I know it's not fair to pay her the same amount considering her performance..she seldom showed up and she never really stayed long in the house...and considering the amount the I gave her each time she went to my house to feed the dogs,most of my money went to her transportation when it was not my problem before when she went to my house to take care of mommy....I really need to talk to her.....then a few walks away from PMS I saw May Manaius... not a good sight to start a day....I really hate her to the bones....I rather not see her....then I realize I'm also carrying a heavy heart for PMS. Hina ko talaga sa kanila...Imagine some units were not aware that mommy died...buti pa si Sec. Tiglao and Asec. Edna kahit di ako kilala personally, nakaalala...

About mommy pa rin

2005-06-03T18:50:00.000-07:00

Si mommy she's always on my mind, every improvement that I experience in my life I attributed to her death. The sad thing is why can't I have these improvements when she is alive..I guess that is one of my unfulfilled dreams. It used to be my obsession, living comfortably with my parents..yung bang life is so comfortable and stable that I really don't need to leave the house for work, but to just stay home and take care of my parents,have good times with them, spoil them... now they're like shattered dreams for both of them have gave in to our Lord's calling... and I'm alone....if luckier,mommy's pension can be transfer to me, coz I'm single and an only child....looks like they're the ones taking good care of me even if they're gone...

Changes after mommy's departure

2005-06-01T22:29:00.000-07:00

I'm in my first week of living my life without a mother. I mean she's completely gone after I sent her to her last home...with my father. Life is conveniently good...I am not rushing to go home....when I reach home which is not my home...(I'm temporarily staying at tita norma's house,,very few memories of mommy, no peso, no pissy but with Internet which I can use comfortably hehe). I don't rush home to cook and I have no one to care about whether she likes to eat or not...at my tita's house somebody cooks for me, do the laundry for me, buy something from the store for me... all I need to do is watch tv and mind myself. all for myself...very very far from what I was many years ago....for the first time money is not an issue in my life....and I guess gone are those days when,when I am always in need of money, taking all the loans I can get to survive my everyday expenses and to survive life...Thank God, my cousins are supportive...some are generous....in other words, I see positive life ahead.... but in exchange of all those things is my mother...at the end of the day, it's my mommy that I miss and everything that I regularly do for her....I never really regret that I have turned down several gimicks for her...she's not really the reason, I really just don't feel like going out...I may find freedom when she died but God knows I never prayed for that kind of freedom. Up to the last moment I was fighting for my mommy's life...no matter how many invisible visitors were there waiting for her...but mom is so tired...she deserves to rest...before I sent her to the hospital I overheard saying "pano si Maricel" it was not clear in fact I just thought she called me. Maybe she was talking to my father...maybe he was trying to convince mommy that it was time to go...maybe it took one week for mommy to decide.. and I guess they believe I'm strong enough to be alone... para talagang pelikula buhay ko...only child na nga ako naulila pa...but still...GOD thy will be done....

Two Weeks Sorrow

2005-05-28T23:54:00.000-07:00

I'm out of the office for two weeks now....and I am still not going to office next week. I brought mami to hospital on the 15th of May 8 pm, stayed there for 1 week, and died on monday of the following week. If somebody would ask what am I feeling these days...it's unexplainable.....the sorrow is so deep that I really cannot cry anymore....I had difficult time on my mommy's final week. the effect is more on the emotional side. pain, fear and guilt combined...pain of seeing mommy suffer,pain on knowing mommy really wants eternal rest, and pain on the reality that I can never have her forever...fear for i believe she's all I have in this world...fear for lifetime solitude, fear of the changes waiting for me ahead. Guilt because I don't think I have served her enough...guilt for not telling her how I value her in my life and guilt for what I told her when I had simply gone mad....

Now I'm about to face the new chapter of my life....the changes are so overwhelming, that I really don't know what to do first. Initial effect is my temporary separation from Peso and Pissy...Most especially peso....God knows how I desperately told him to look after mom and house when I'm out for work, and he had done his job well. He's a younger brother that I never have... and I terribly miss him. I have lost mom...and I'm in the process of knowing how it feels like to be alone...without a mother... I have never imagined life without her...but do I have a choice...she suffered a lot...and I regret for not being completely attentive to her health...never thought of the possible comlications...

On the lighter side, mom's death brought back something that I used to own...it's the love I have for my relatives, something I thought I have lost more than years ago...the beauty of what my fellowmen have, and the patience for everything. Before mommy died I was thinking that If she would leave me at that moment, I will never have a life in a stright direction, hatred all over...etc...maybe the "thoughts" made her stay more eventhough she's in the state of dying... anytime. Now I'll be working on fixing my life... alone without parents... too old to be an "Orphan"... With God's help...with relatives/love ones' help...I know I'll never fail...

To my friends who spent time reading my blogs

2005-05-09T17:40:00.000-07:00

Dear friends, thanks so much for the time....I mean in our very busy world I guess this is the only way for you people to know the latest about me....whatever your reactions maybe, i would like to let you know that the intention of the blog is to entertain you. In case some matters here aroused your curiousity, you're always free to comment or you can talk to me privately...again thank so much for travelling along the wonderful paths of my life...you're a part of me somehow for you are reading my life....and to read my life is to know me, and to know me is to accept me, with all your heart. Again thank you...I am a nobody that you put in a pedestal...that's how I describe my feeling knowing you're providing your precious time on this.

Writing that leaves a mark

2005-05-04T11:30:00.000-07:00

Too much blogging made me neglect my creative inclinations...my word combinations are those I ordinarily have in mind....I would like to believe that blogging regularly will enhance my gift, well in a way it does but, blogging is so cool that I no longer care for the impact of the words that I combined..blogging does not have a focus. To impress the reader is not the outmost concern...it unconsciously becomes an open diary maintaining stories of everyday life. Maybe I should add more intensity to my write ups here in blog....and it's what I always want...a write up with Legacy.....the one with a mark....

Love Life

2005-05-03T12:42:00.000-07:00

what is life without love?...foolish question...but what I'm going to write here has nothing to do with the question..for I never question life when I don't have a lovelife, the important thing is I know how to apply love not just to one person but to those who touch my life.... My relationship with my someone is surprisingly smooth sailing for the past 2 months... we are together for almost five years excluding those times when I believed he was not as committed as he was today...but moving on...inspite of the complications in pursuing this relations, I can say that I am more at ease nowadays... Maybe I have matured, and him too.... I have realized our limitations, and just enjoy life.... I'm happy going home with him after office, I'm happy going to gym with him too. I guess aside from intimacy, a friendship bloomed deeper ....I guess that's what I like in a long term relationship...you're closeness is more meaningful, and you're no longer conscious on your appearance in front of each other.... It was a learning experience falling in love with someone like him...it's a destiny's game when I met him and accept him in my life....there was even a time when I thought, I have ended a chapter of my life on him....but just like harry potter and lord of the rings, it gave birth to its sequel, not knowing where to stop... it may not be as magical as the two popular movies, but the magic that I feel when I'm with him lasts...the kind the give me strength somehow...who would understand me? well so far I will just enjoy the magic...

Good time with my younger friends

2005-04-27T14:20:00.000-07:00

I had a great time last night with Marisse and Mark...yes at last the gimicks that we planned 2 months ago were fulfilled last night and it's worth the wait...well I was always the reason why it didn't push through, I have plenty of reasons...but their eagerness to be with my company overwhlemed me so finally I gave in... So for the first time I go out with people younger than me....younger but more mature than I when it comes to some part of life where maturity is required... Honestly I feel so happy to have friends like them....first time ko to go out with friends na ako ang pinakamatanda and imagine the age difference, parang it's like going out with my younger counsins Ralph and Hiyas....

Paranoia during my one month and a half delayed period

2005-04-25T12:20:00.000-07:00

I know it's impossible, but at those times when my period failed to come on time, I was worried...I'm not ready...I'm not financially stable...I'm thinking, if it's meant to happen it will happen. Some friends encouraged me, they said it was a blessing from the Lord....hidden deep inside me is a feeling of longing to have it too...but I have fear....I was about to accept things as they are, trying to plan the next steps that I should do, just in case..... when it finally arrived, At last.it was extra heavy maybe trying to make up for the lost time....and when the paranoia is over, all I have to say is "sayang"...

Very touching

2005-04-21T09:19:00.000-07:00

everything about my mom really touches me... and when I encountered person whose concern to her is more than I expected, it really melts my heart... Sang called, she said, she would like to have early lunch with us, but need to leave at exactly 1pm for a meeting. She works somewhere in clark and she's in Manila for a meeting, I was sending her to where she can get a cab when she handed me something....and when I looked at it was a 1000 bill, she said "it's for mommy,buy her fruits or anything that she needs." I just can't thank her enough... it's not the money (it's 2000 pala)it's how she remembers my mom. I mean Sang is always like that, I can always say that she's really one of the angels in my life, she always arrived in a perfect timing, at times when I'm in need of a company of a friend. Yesterday I just solved some of my financial problems. I never ask her for it but she's giving it with all her heart. trully I'm bless with real good friends. Friends who remained their feet on the ground inspite of what they achieved in life....
(This was written on April 2005, just last year, it feels like a couple of years ago. I'm reviving this for Sang's Birthday, really don't know if she was able to read this before)

Uncertainties

2005-04-13T11:30:00.000-07:00

My delayed menstruation is taking my sanity.. why? becoz it brings me back to my younger years when it was normal for me not to have my period everymonth..I remember how I got disappointed when I thought it was coming but it did not.... I have a noticeably delayed period starting February of this year, i expected it on the 5th of the month but it arrived Feb 13 or 14, then in March it didn't arrive at all. It's now April 13 and I'm still waiting anxiously for it. I wonder if all the strenous activities that I did and will do can make it flow...a crazy funny thing I entertained in my mind is now frightening me....It's impossible I know...but I can't relax until I have it....

About Pope John Paul II

2005-04-11T11:17:00.000-07:00

Pope's death reminded me of him in my childhood days...I can't remember the exact year, when he first came to Philippines as Pope, but as far as I remember, I was not even in my teenage years then...Then I remember my father who is really a catholic at heart. He was the one who encouraged me to rejoice the Pope's visit, my father made me develop a fondness for Pope and how significant is his role in the catholic religion...then, 1995 the dear Pope visited again, This time with the Theme of "World Youth Day". For reasons that I can't recall, I didn't exert much to see him. I never really had a change of heart, I guess I was just so carefree and so rebellious that in my immature mind I said, "the Pope, he is so Holy and yet only influential and rich people can freely greet him and ask for his blessings"...I mean just like our Lord, Pope has tremendous love for everybody but I was so jealous then of the rich people. See, who was with him at the stage? former Pres. Cory Aquino and other personalities. And then I feel that in his holiness, there's this dying cure for discrimination....but of course It was not the Pope's fault...then I also realized, if everybody can come to pope at that moment, there will be chaos...it is just so hard that in order to practise descipline, it's the common people who got eliminated or controlled....but that never changed my respect for pope... I may not be actively patronizing him but he has a spot in my heart for I remember my father in him...In his death I felt sad for not thinking too much of him when he was alive...but then I am happy for it awakens a feeling in me, and that is to go back to praying...slowly....and ask for guidance and forgiveness...though I am still remote to change.....I tried to witness his burial via television...at least for the last time, I spent time for him, somehting that I should have done before....

while waiting for the time

2005-03-30T19:26:00.000-08:00

I decided to blog while waiting for the time....it's close to 730pm, still in the office waiting.....maybe 10 minutes from now I'll leave, making this blog a history just like the rest....Wish I can be more intimate with blogs, wish someday my blog will be noticed just like the rest that I just browsed...can't they find "Life at a glance" as a striking title..?I hope not coz I want to talk about life in general...and my life too....

Some experiences are not meant to be shared

2005-03-30T12:38:00.000-08:00

Hehehe If a particular experience or event in your life can't be shared, it could only mean one thing....it's a secret....a kind of secret that you wish you can share with your friends....but it requires proper timing...anyways it was'nt a worst secret naman,in fact in a way it provides me happiness in this sometimes mean world...yes I am happy though for some its more of a destruction than happiness...but I don't mind...it's not my problem...I have enough problems to consider and I decided to focus on them...Mommy's health, financial mismanagement, career...My secret is not a problem...just additional knowledge...puzzled?

My Blogday

2005-03-21T11:29:00.000-08:00

2 weeks before the end of march, I realized I didn't blog that much...my blogday friday became inconsistent..I became so busy and I took it seriously....well last night, mom and I just watched TV, at channel 22 Cinemaone. Old films by Vilma Santos and Sharon Cuneta but we enjoyed watching it as much as we watched it before. what I enjoyed most is the bonding among the four of us..including dogs...I really feel at home...I forced myself to sleep at around 2:00am.

Manic Monday

2005-03-07T12:15:00.000-08:00

Unlike the title my Monday's not so manic..I started right...I really feel fulfilled when I left the house with confidence that I was able to feed mommy and the babies right, when I know mom drunk all her medicines and finished her high protein drink...when I reached LRT station he was already there....I am always pleasant to him inspite of all his shortcomings..and I blame myself for being too soft when in comes to him...and my Monday became manic.... and it's all because of the war deep inside of me....but I chose to work seriously...and try to find an answer at the back of my mind....when will I say goodbye....I just feel so sad being with him.....but i can't say goodbye....

So far so good

2005-03-02T16:25:00.000-08:00

Life's ok so far....I guess life's really like that... that I should expect good to worst and worst to good....I've been very busy with my job....oo nga pala..I'm working for the President, I mean we're working for the President, and considering her workloads, how can we complain....the whole nation on her shoulder, well at least we have our shares of whatever moves she made for the good of the country. Do I sound like I'm her loyalist? of course not...I'm still the same person who dislike politics. and hey she's not the first president of my life.. I mean as far as career is concerned, I started working with FVR,then ERAP and now with GMA....quite prolific past in a way...how glamorous....pero I need cash...hehe. joke lang...

For how long?

2005-02-26T17:23:00.000-08:00

I've never known myself as someone with endless patience....until I met this person, but It took me years to realize it. I thought I was just giving him another chance....I thought I just demanded too much....I thought he loves me....I thought he didn't mean to hurt me... yeah I guess I think so much....or expect too much.....not because I've known him long enough, it would not mean he is not capable to do things that really would hurt me so much.... Now I'm hurting because all those years I've spent with him, I realized he only changes for worst.....for how long will I take a person who only listen to things he only wants to hear? For how long will I take him when he never knows what's inside of me?and when I initiate to talk about it he refused.....For how long will I make a fool of myself.? for how long will I resent his unfair treatment to me....? For how long will I hate him but too coward to show him....How come I run out of striking passages to make him realize how unfair he is... and selfish too...I don't want to reach the point of hating him to the point of almost cursing him.....for how long will I take him......I want to forget him.....but one thing is sure..someday you'll cry too because of me....

can't blog tomorrow

2005-02-24T20:50:00.000-08:00

well it's only thursday today, and I'll do my friday blogday in advance because tomorrow is a holiday Feb 25. EDSA Revolution...but obviously i'm overtime, helping mark to fax all those memo to all gov't agencies....yeah i will have a long weekend but I'll work to death on monday....need to follow up those that I faxed, and gee I need to make an attendance, meeting is on wednesday, Mark will be on a meeting on monday,no ones going to assist me.. and my boss, she's expecting me to finish the list of updated contact numbers of all Presidential Action Officers....andami kong backlog.....this is really a prosperous new year ha...I'm not complaining....at least I'm useful....need to fix my things I'm going home na and my shuttle service is waiting..

My busy blogday friday

2005-02-18T19:31:00.000-08:00

can't really blog today such a busy day and it's almost night, i'm preparing to go home

Post Valentine Comment (in fairness)

2005-02-14T23:01:00.000-08:00

well It was not really a sad valentine at all, at the end of the day, I recieved a valentine card from someone. Obviously he is not so comfortable in giving cards and write some mushy thing on it....so opposite of my persona..but in a way it's ok....i guess it's the best valentine ever, no celebration but we were together on our way home....

My Valentine's Day Episode

2005-02-14T09:24:00.000-08:00

Valentines day always come to my life like a wind. it just passed me by...but with or without a special someone, my previous valentines were all memorable and special...My 2005 valentine is equally memorable, but it is sad...I am not sad for the reason that I'm still unattached. I am sad because I know I am not really that unattached. But the person I'm attached with has somehow lost all his remaining romance in the world...can't even write me a note, can't even spend a hundred peso or even less, and it's almost 9:30am, is it asking too much if he would just call and greet me? really am wasting my time....

Pre Valentines' day Blogday Friday special

2005-02-11T18:20:00.000-08:00

Just last Friday I am in a different mood, at least now I'm ok.... Gosh I'm having a hard time losing weight....I'm not so eager to exercise. Am I really getting old? so valentines day is nearing so what's new...unattached as usual....si Peso pa rin ang valentino ko. no regrets, I love him naman eh...

Friday Blogday, My first for the month of Feb

2005-02-04T17:07:00.000-08:00

How about a sad start for the month of February....really hate myself for allowing him to make me feel like this....you'll have your day boy!...someday you're going to pay for this!

Last Friday Blogday of the month

2005-01-28T18:26:00.000-08:00

Hey I almost forgot to blog today...what a busy week...I mean I should expect busier days ahead of me....many beautiful things are happening well financial I mean. I hope it's a wise decision on my part to get my pag-ibig fund 10th year maturity...almost everybody availed for it, so I guess it's ok. but I need to be careful with my money..I might as well save it...coz I paid for it for almost 10 years. I don't think I can just spend it.