Recovering

I'm beginning to live a normal life without mommy, doing the same things that I did before mommy died....the difference now is I take care only of 2 dogs...and I'm the only human being in my home...deep inside me, I'm still very sad, and I feel it still so unfair not to have my parents,when I still don't have my own family,..yeah I do have a relationship and a someone but, it can't cover up for the loss...I mean....I'm thinking on putting an end to it coz' aside from the fact that it does not have a future, it just don't make me feel for the joy that I used to feel... Maybe I should really start a new life alone....and focus on thing that I really need (money) and those that I really love (my dogs)which stays with me in my home and waits for me when I'm out for work... I know my relatives and friends care for me but they are not with me when I'm home....my dogs are few of those things that I can call my own....they are my companions, and they are with me when I sleep and they wake me up in the morning...I guess it's a wise decision to go back to my own house...

Tuesday morning irritations

As I walk my way going to office, all that I have in mind is the annoyance I felt for some people... I was thinking of Marissa, it's almost payday and I don't know how much should I pay her....will I pay her less than what we agreed when mommy was alive? I know it's not fair to pay her the same amount considering her performance..she seldom showed up and she never really stayed long in the house...and considering the amount the I gave her each time she went to my house to feed the dogs,most of my money went to her transportation when it was not my problem before when she went to my house to take care of mommy....I really need to talk to her.....then a few walks away from PMS I saw May Manaius... not a good sight to start a day....I really hate her to the bones....I rather not see her....then I realize I'm also carrying a heavy heart for PMS. Hina ko talaga sa kanila...Imagine some units were not aware that mommy died...buti pa si Sec. Tiglao and Asec. Edna kahit di ako kilala personally, nakaalala...

About mommy pa rin

Si mommy she's always on my mind, every improvement that I experience in my life I attributed to her death. The sad thing is why can't I have these improvements when she is alive..I guess that is one of my unfulfilled dreams. It used to be my obsession, living comfortably with my parents..yung bang life is so comfortable and stable that I really don't need to leave the house for work, but to just stay home and take care of my parents,have good times with them, spoil them... now they're like shattered dreams for both of them have gave in to our Lord's calling... and I'm alone....if luckier,mommy's pension can be transfer to me, coz I'm single and an only child....looks like they're the ones taking good care of me even if they're gone...

Changes after mommy's departure

I'm in my first week of living my life without a mother. I mean she's completely gone after I sent her to her last home...with my father. Life is conveniently good...I am not rushing to go home....when I reach home which is not my home...(I'm temporarily staying at tita norma's house,,very few memories of mommy, no peso, no pissy but with Internet which I can use comfortably hehe). I don't rush home to cook and I have no one to care about whether she likes to eat or not...at my tita's house somebody cooks for me, do the laundry for me, buy something from the store for me... all I need to do is watch tv and mind myself. all for myself...very very far from what I was many years ago....for the first time money is not an issue in my life....and I guess gone are those days when,when I am always in need of money, taking all the loans I can get to survive my everyday expenses and to survive life...Thank God, my cousins are supportive...some are generous....in other words, I see positive life ahead.... but in exchange of all those things is my mother...at the end of the day, it's my mommy that I miss and everything that I regularly do for her....I never really regret that I have turned down several gimicks for her...she's not really the reason, I really just don't feel like going out...I may find freedom when she died but God knows I never prayed for that kind of freedom. Up to the last moment I was fighting for my mommy's life...no matter how many invisible visitors were there waiting for her...but mom is so tired...she deserves to rest...before I sent her to the hospital I overheard saying "pano si Maricel" it was not clear in fact I just thought she called me. Maybe she was talking to my father...maybe he was trying to convince mommy that it was time to go...maybe it took one week for mommy to decide.. and I guess they believe I'm strong enough to be alone... para talagang pelikula buhay ko...only child na nga ako naulila pa...but still...GOD thy will be done....